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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

WWYD - uninvited little brother coming over

22 replies

Picklemuncher · 30/08/2017 22:23

AIBU to ignore the fact that when my DS has his friend over that the little brother ALWAYS gets dropped off as well? It has been going on for several years now. The mother of this other boy seems very controlling. She doesn't like have other kids over to their place very much (fine, whatever) and only lets her DC come over once in a blue moon (fine, whatever) despite that fact he's always welcome and our DC have been friends for several years. The thing is, the little brother is always dropped off as well. I usually just go, fine, whatever, let him play, offer snacks...but it's getting to the point where his older brother doesn't want him coming along. So today they were both over. The older boy made plans to come over to see my DS and of course both were dropped off. After a while I found the younger boy pounding on my DS's bedroom door and crying to be let in. The older boys really wanted their own time together. When I asked the older brother why his brother had come along he said he didn't know but he didn't really want him there. As he was a nice boy he acquiesced and let his little brother join them.

Now this has reached the point of ridiculousness as the boys are getting older. The older pair are 15/16 and the younger is 13 I think. I know the other mum is taking the piss but should I just ignore or next time should I make absolutely sure the other kid isn't coming over? I don't think the other mum really cares how it affects the DC, she just wants rid of both at the same time.

Also, all three are ASD, so the other two really aren't being taught social rules by the looks of it either, it's just what is convenient for mum. They don't seem to know how to handle their mum just sort of dropping them.

OP posts:

Mrscropley · 30/08/2017 22:25

Send her a run down of your child care charges. .
Suggest she start paying from now on as she has had several years for free...
Cheeky fucker.

DrHorribletookmycherry · 30/08/2017 22:37

13? Can't he just walk home/ you drop him home? He's old enough to not need childcare.

Original poster

Picklemuncher · 30/08/2017 22:44

I know they are older but they have ASD, although high functioning. The other boys' mum doesn't seem to want to teach them social skills or let them gain independence, like walking themselves over (used to be a 5 minute walk, now they have moved it would be 25 min, although no big roads). I didn't see them getting dropped off at our house as I was in the back yard so couldn't say anything. But what can you say when the 13 year old is ASD and hasn't been taught anything like his brother needs his own time?

OP posts:

deste · 30/08/2017 22:44

Does the 15/16 year old really need a lift. He could just go to door, say, "that's me offnow" and run like mad before she can stop him.

Original poster

Picklemuncher · 30/08/2017 22:49

deste you would think so. But these two have always just done what their mum wants/says and it doesn't seem to occur to them to want their independence. Very strange I know. My DS gets frustrated and basically gave up on having this friend over except today said friend messaged him asking to come over. My DS said okay come over and both got dropped off!

OP posts:

WhatwouldOliviaPopedo · 30/08/2017 22:53

Hang on, it's YOUR house and this has been going on several years? Why on earth haven't you said anything to the boys' mum before now??

Joinourclub · 30/08/2017 22:53

Any chance the mum has asd too?

Ceto · 30/08/2017 22:54

Issue a specific invitation to the older child, spell it out in writing to the mother that the younger one is not included. If she tries to drop him off, refuse.

Pallisers · 30/08/2017 22:55

Next time the older ones are planning to get together at yours, tell them you will pick them up. Pick up the older one. If the younger one comes out the door, say oh no, it is just older bro today. Let her deal with the fall out.

Or call her up and tell her you would prefer if the younger brother didn't come over when the boys are getting together as it doesn't suit anyone.

This is spectacularly unfair to your son and his friend - and you.

stella23 · 30/08/2017 22:56

Clearly she's fairly thicked skinned so you just have to say just ds1 today

perper · 30/08/2017 22:57

I understand your frustration, but my major sympathies lie with the younger brother- it must be awful feeling like a spare unwanted part.

If I were in your position, I'd let the two older ones do their thing- if the younger one is involved that's great, but if they don't want him there then offer him a drink and ask if he'd like to watch TV or something.

I get that it's unfair to see you as childcare though

Original poster

Picklemuncher · 30/08/2017 23:04

They haven't been over too often so it hasn't been a big deal...until today when I saw how upset the younger one was! I don't really care about the 'childcare' so much as I am peed off that this mum is causing upset. I guess the next time I will have to make absolutely sure it's just the one.

I don't know what the other mum 'has'. I think the dad has aspergers. I think she is just a user.

OP posts:

Sequence · 30/08/2017 23:09

Can you say you'll be taking the one friend to a cinema/park/activity and there is only the 1 space in the car?

MrsOverTheRoad · 30/08/2017 23:09

People are weird.

My DD is 13 and she and her friends make all their own plans....meeting up, catching buses to see one another on weekends or going to town and then coming back to one of their houses etc.

One girl however, her parents still regularly ring a particular family and ask if they can "drop X off for the evening as we're going out?" and the Mum ALWAYS says yes as she's kind...but her DD and this poor girl aren't even mates anymore!

The Mum who accepts the task's DD is resentful and the girl is too!

Original poster

Picklemuncher · 30/08/2017 23:14

Well, I have to get something done for tomorrow and it's already really late. If there's any more replies I will read them tomorrow am! I am leaning towards just continuing to ignore/let both come over until they eventually figure it out (the boys that is) as I feel bad for them mostly.

OP posts:

Aeroflotgirl · 30/08/2017 23:18

I would contact the mother, and just tell her that ds friend be dropped off please, as the other boy was very upset last time.

PollyFlint · 30/08/2017 23:29

I agree this is weird.

When I was a teenager I had a friend whose mum would always insist that her two brothers must be allowed to come into her room and join in with whatever we were doing whenever we were at her house because it 'wasn't fair to leave them out.' We were 13-14 year old girls into music, films and gossip and her brothers were 10 and 8 and into playfighting, burping competitions and wiping bogeys on each other. After a while I stopped going round there because at the age of 14 I got absolutely nothing out of an evening spent with two bratty little boys.

However, she did at least stop short of randomly dropping them off at my house when my friend came over to mine.

I think you do need to say something along the lines of 'Now DS is getting older, he'd really just like to spend some time with Friend on his own - you know what they're like at that age, they've got more grown-up stuff to talk about.' Otherwise it will just never stop.

bluekite · 30/08/2017 23:34

Christ these poor kids. The little brother is clearly used to being able to go wherever his big brother goes. As they are both SN it's really different but it's the mum's responsibility to manage their separation anxiety, not yours.

You really need to tell her that you are only accommodating your son's friend, not his brother too. Your son only wants his mate over, he wants some time to hang out, and I'm sure his mate wants some time away from his brother.

It's really up to you to make it clear that the younger son is not invited - it's sad for him, but he's clearly not included, and that is going to distress him as much or more as not being invited in the first place.

bluekite · 30/08/2017 23:38

If that means speaking frankly to the mother, so be it. The poor older boy will have to be able to do things away from his brother sooner or later. Please put your foot down - your son has made a friend, a friend with ASD, and that kind of friendship is vitally important.

I know that the little brother has ASD too, but the brother is not your son's friend, and never will be if he's expected to come along on every visit and every trip. This is going to drive away not only the little brother, but your son's friend too. Why would your son want to hang out with a boy who always has his kid brother tag along?

I feel so sorry for both boys and I'm glad that the older has made a friend like your son.

bluekite · 30/08/2017 23:41

The boys are ASD and clearly controlled by their mother! Sorry but you can't just put up with it and hope they figure it out - it's obviously upsetting the younger boy, and the older boy does not want his brother always there when he's with his mates.

You have to say something. The younger boy does not come when your son asks his friend over. Full stop.

Bluffinwithmymuffin · 30/08/2017 23:59

This is such a sorry situation for all three boys, especially the little brother who must be distressed by the other two naturally trying to exclude him. It could be the case that he has no friends of his own since his mother's been packing him off with his brother for so long- if so, it's really sad.

I'd try and talk to the mum about finding a way forward, even though it's not your responsibility, OP. It would be such a shame if the friendship breaks down. Good luck

MissBabbs · 31/08/2017 00:00

Can you pick up instead and just pick up one giving some reason why it's only the one.

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