Aibu to feel like a door mat?

[sunshine11]

I seem to bend over backwards to help a friend out with childcare yet when asked to have one of mine it's too much hassle.

I am not a confrontational person but if I do question this I know there will be a reason she believes she's completely justified in her stance.

I feel very sad at the dynamic of our relationship. But I don't feel that pointing this out will make any difference.

Aibu to feel like a doormat?

At what point do you let a friendship go? And do you need to do it formally or just let it slide?

This might not be helpful, but if I were you, I wouldn't worry too much about the friendship (hopefully, you'll have other friends?) but if the kids get on and it's nice for them, then continue to have hers, as long as it's convenient for you.

Hopefully she'll reciprocate at some point?

Good luck

My mum regularly asks me if I have "welcome" stamped on my forehead!! Don't be a doormat. No need to dump friend or have a row... next time she asks you to babysit just be busy. Just don't do a favour for your friend again until you feel the balance is redressed. One babysitting per year that isn't paid back won't make you feel door mattish!

The answer is quite straightforward:

Stop being a doormat.

You don't need to let the friendship go, just stop saying yes, and rebalance the relationship.

Don't make excuses for why you are saying no, don't apologise, just say "I can't help this time".

Aibu to feel like a doormat?

well you clearly are one, so no, yanbu.

Why be one though? Just say no.

You don't have to say yes - the more you say yes the more they just 'assume' your happy to help and have them

She'll move on to another doormat so don't worry about the kids

Keep it friendly - most people don't mind a No

As already said, stop being a doormat. When she next asks for childcare, don't bend over backwards for her, just say you cannot help.

Don't be pushed into a corner making excuses why you cannot, either keep it general (I'm busy, that doesn't work for me) or be blunt - 'because I don't want to'.

It sounds as if you're questioning whether you have a friendship at all, in which case I'd say no, you don't. So I'd let it slide. No need for it to be formal, just let it wither. Don't initiate contact; if she initiates, agree to meet only if it suits you. Don't agree to do childcare for her, it will only make you feel resentful. If she is a user and you stop making yourself useful, she may disappear of her own accord anyway.

Hopefully she'll reciprocate at some point?

That is what the OP is saying - the other woman doesn't reciprocate!

You will have to go against your own nature, OP. You are naturally kind and thoughtful but you are being used here. Now you need to be kind to yourself.

I'd be very tempted to use the same reasons for her that she gives to you.

Thanks! I think I'm just feeling sensitive after a couple of comments from her this week. And i've obviously tried to be vague above so as not to be indentifiable.

I will stop offering now I know it's not appreciated/reciprocated.

Just stop. I used to be really bad about people taking advantage. I was raised to be polite, unselfish, and 'not make a fuss, dear'. Then I wised up and realized that certain people will walk all over you if you don't stand up for yourself. And that those easily taken advantage of are usually easy targets for pisstakers.

If you stop having your friend's DC with no reciprocity and she 'drops' you, then she wasn't a real friend in the first place, was she?

x-post. Good for you!

Good for you Sunshine! Remember it's not "mean", "selfish" or "being a bad friend" to prevent someone taking advantage of you.

If she is unpleasant to you when you say no, that says far more about her than you.

Good plan!