Heartbroken my sister's relationship is over

[socubatevira]

Hi,
That's it. My sister has told her DH that their relationship of 20years is over. She hasn't been happy for a long time. We've all known this, she's known this and if he's really honest her DH know this too and perhaps also hasn't been happy himself.

They are both beautiful people and he is like family to us. The kindest, most generous person you could meet. He does have faults, he's not perfect. None of us are. For my sister, the 'love-love' has gone for want of a better way to describe it. They have no children. They are more like friends or siblings even as she doesn't necessarily enjoy spending time with him either. I know she loves and cares about what happens to him, but she has made herself ill trying to stay and make something work that she knows in her heart will never be. I have seen her struggle and I told her I agree and support her decision, because it really is the only right thing to do for both of them. I said to her it is cruel to keep someone in a relationship in false hope for a future that she doesn't see/want.

The thing is, my DH and I are absolutely bereft, as in my BIL. I'm not taking away from anyone else's feelings or making this about myself - which is why I'm posting here for support instead of saying/showing this to them. This has only happened today and I can't stop crying.

Why does this feel so bad when it isn't my relationship that is ending??
Has anyone else ever experienced this?
How can I help two people I love equally (and I can say that wholeheartedly as he is very much a DB to us all!)

Help.
Thank you.

Aw that's hard!

But there is absolutely no reason why you can't maintain a relationship with him too. Just speak to them both.

I still see my ex MIL and ex SIL......they were in my life from the age of 19!!!

I know it's trite, but the only thing that is going to make you feel better is time. Did you socialise with them as a couple much? Will you continue to see him?

When this happened with my sister and BIL, I really intended to keep in touch with him as much as her (sadly, I don't have a brilliant relationship with my sister) but the bitterness he continues to display towards my sister, and the effect that must be having on their children, means it hasn't been possible.

Married friends of mine split up, the DH's sister still stayed very much good friends with her ex-SIL. There's no reason why you can't all be friends after this but just give it time and take it a day at a time. Lean on your DH and let him lean on you when you're both upset, you're probably in some form of shock even though you saw it coming.

Aw, you poor thing.

Please do bear in mind that amicable splits are possible. The road to divorce can be a perilous one - there are ups and downs, and there will be disagreements along the way - but plenty of people emerge from it firm friends. While it's very important that your sister knows you have her back, and that she comes first - there's no reason you have to think of this as losing your BIL from your lives. Nor should you be placed in a position where you have to choose. It will require delicacy, tact and diplomacy to manage the new relationships into existence, but you sound absolutely lovely and I see no reason why you can't achieve this!

I'm friends with my exP (even though he was a bit hopeless, we are still in touch) and I'm also friends with my husband's ex. It can work!

It sounds as though this split is going to be relatively amicable, so you may well be able to maintain a friendship with her XH once the dust has settled.
But do please make sure that you don't give your sister the impression that she needs to 'work on' this dead relationship for the sake of other people. it is horribly unhealthy to stay with a partner who bores you or who is unsatisfactory as a partner just because she is a good person.

What ikeadyounot said. As long as you carry on being kind and tactful, there is no reason why you should need to either let your sister feel unsupported or lose your BIL as a friend. I am still very good friends with my brother's ex though there were some hard feelings at the time of the break-up.

LIKE family to you? He IS family to you, he's been your brother in law for 2 decades!

It is going to be hard for a time but they may even end up as friends! y auntie and uncle are best mates now. My uncle is not good on his own (in fact the poor man now has cancer of the prostate) but he and my aunt often go round to my cousin's pub and help with the children etc. They just could not live together as man and wife! Ironic as my uncle is living at my aunt's now as he cannot manage the stairs in his flat!!!

You can have a relationship with both but you need to stop thinking that you either know what he is thinking or should be thinking.

Of course you're finding it hard, he's family. But the split sounds as amicable as it can be which hopefully means less hurt feelings. This will make maintaining a relationship with him much easier.

When my DF broke up with his partner of 14 years I was devastated. Neither of us knew if we would be able to maintain a relationship after. We see each other most weeks noe and have a great time. The adjustment process is the hardest, try to be confident contacting him and arranging to meet up. He'll be feeling very worried about where he fits in now, so you'll need to make the first moves.

He isn't like family to you, he is part of your family and there is no reason why you shouldn't maintain that relationship with him.

As much as I sympathise, I think you should focus on your sister and her feelings. She's family, she's the one you'll have to see time and time again, and whose feelings you have to consider - how would she feel if you kept in touch with BIL? How would she feel knowing you socialise with BIL and any potential new partner?

Not saying you can't be friends but your number one priority must be your sister, not your bil, and not yout feelings of loss.

My friend is still friends with her exes sister. She was part of that family for 10 years.

I definitely think that you can maintain a friendship. I know it's completely different but many of the friends of my ex have adopted me into their lives because they like me... No reason not to.

You will probably have to let go of the relationship with your BIL, apart from cordial rare events.

It's a shame though, that your sister feels she has to leave if he's such a lovely man. I do think we choose to love or not, and talk of 'they are fabulous it's just the... spark... the love... it's gone... ' makes me sad and cross as it just comes across as throwing away something quite precious. If someone can't specifically name something. So I probably would feel quite sorry for the BIL tbh!

If they stay friends then you can too. It's a bit more awkward if she wants nothing more to do with him.

It is sad. You are suffering an ending too.

You can stay in touch though. My DH is still close to his ex GF's parents 10 yrs after they split. Her mum did a reading at our wedding and I consider them my friends now too. They weren't together that long either.

My husband's db split up with his wife after being married for 25 years. At the time we lived very close to them and saw them regularly. Bil moved to the USA so it was easier to keep a relationship with his ex as we felt she needed our support. Life has moved on now and we moved 150 miles away but we are still in touch with each other.

Thank you all so much for your responses and advice. It's very much appreciated and was some comfort hearing the bonds can still be there regardless of what happens. It's still a massive shock to everyone and will take time to adjust. As a pp said, I could never guilt my sister into staying for the sake of everyone else. Obviously she is my sister and I will be there for her undoubtedly, but after two decades it's difficult to separate the two of them like that. That is why, @grandOlejukeofYork and @IfYouHappenToSee I said he's "very much a DB to all of us". He's not "like one", he IS one! He is also uncle to my DC, a very loved one at that!
He is a great guy and she's a great girl, but it doesn't always mean they're right for each other. I wouldn't say it's 'amicable' as it's not what he wants. He's still invested, she isn't. He's gutted and hurting and we'll be there for him as much as he allows. He is proud and I would hate to make him feel pitied, he doesn't deserve that.
Thank you all.