AIBU if I tell him, AIBU if I don't? Dad being investigated for cancer.

[Karmapolicearrestthisman]

I'm 27, brother is 25. I work in healthcare. Dad has a lot of flags for mesothelioma and is having a PET-CT next week.

My AIBU is:

• Tell my brother after the result
• Tell him now because he's "out of the loop" and it feels bizarre that the three of us (including mum) know and he doesn't.

The only reason I found out is because I overheard a conversation between mum and dad when I was visiting, and they came clean.

I would want to know, and I'd tell him in a factual non-scary way. But he is my little brother and I don't want him to worry. What would you want?

It's your dad's choice not yours

It's your dad's choice not yours

Dad left it up to me. I asked if he wanted my brother to know and he said "tell him if you want". I asked if he wanted to tell him himself, and he said he didn't know.

You need to tell him. If he doesn't know and so doesn't feel he has time to make extra time to see his Dad when he is potentially saying goodbye (whereas you did) he will be very bitter.

It's horrible being the youngest child who is left out of things and kept in the dark. It feels like a rejection.

Margaret Thanks for that, I had planned to tell him but also don't want to be doing the wrong thing. This is all kind of new territory for me and I am still in shock.

Your dad should do it but it is a scary time and he may struggle. He has ok'd you to do it and so you should with his blessing. Fingers crossed for you all.

It sounds like your father wants you to tell him if he's left it up to you. I think if everyone else knows, he should too.

Clearly your parents had not intended to tell you and your db yet.

But, by the way he responded to you, it could well be a relief to your df that you now know, and it could be a relief to him if you tell your db.

Your df may feel obliged to be strong, and telling his dc that he is potentially weak may be very upsetting for him. Look at it as relieving him of the burden of an unpleasant job.

I think you ought to tell him. I can't really fault your dad for leaving it up to you, he's the one that's worst affected and he didn't really mean to tell you either.

But it is off that your DB doesn't know so a quiet word would be best I think.

and positive thoughts for you and yours, I hope it works out ok.

It's horrible being the youngest child who is left out of things and kept in the dark. It feels like a rejection.

My DH had exactly this happen to him with his grandfather (also mesothelioma, a horrible disease, I'm so sorry OP). By the time he got told his older siblings had already been told and swung into action and the family was rallying round. He was gutted - he's in his thirties and more than capable of helping out but was treated almost as a little boy 'he doesn't like hospitals and he doesn't know how to cope' and it was made all the worse because in such an awful situation when a loved family member is dying you can't make it all about you - so he buried it and didn't really talk about it with anyone but me because he didn't want anyone to be any more upset or hurt or put upon, but it really festered.

for you and your family OP. It's a horrible horrible situation.

I'd tell him afterwards once you know for certain what is or isn't. No point him worrying too as there's nothing he can do. It's only a week. If it was longer then it might be different but I'd spare him a week of worry.