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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to feel smothered by my sister

14 replies

Namechangingshapeshifter · 30/08/2017 11:15

in a nut shell she has spent the whole summer working leaving all her childcare to my mum.....5 days a week.
She has the week off as my mum has (run) gone away.

Every single day she wants to do stuff with us. If I say no she tries to manipulate the situation or rearrange my plans. She does this all the time with my mum too if she says no to anything.....becomes abusive until my mum backs down.
I quite enjoy just pottering around the house with the kids just getting on with their own activities.....the kids are happy like this too.
She rings off the hook.....if you don't answer she will ring again and then send messages. I get accused of making no effort with her but actually I just can't cope with her most of the time. I have an illness which is triggered by stress and she quite often ends up making me feel really ill.
Her behaviour has always been like this so it's normal for her but I don't think its normal in the grand scheme of things.
I try to stand up for myself and say no but sometimes she makes it completely impossible. Ironically wjen we are together she's not that bad to be around but the moment you give in the nagging and bullying behaviour to get you to do what she wants becomes more frequent. She can be really nasty to me at times using really personal things against me or stuff I e casually mentioned in other conversations in an attempt to upset me. I don't deny I'm pretty defensive around her but I feel that is only as a result of her nasty behaviour and the tone of voice that she feels is perfectly acceptable to talk to me in.
I can't cut her out and dont want to because it would create a huge fracture in my family and it would end up ruining my relationship with my mum.

I have 4 days left before I return to work and have stuff I need to get done and I'd quite like to chill out too.

OP posts:
Namechangingshapeshifter · 30/08/2017 23:30

anyone?

OP posts:
Chocolatecoveredpeanuts · 30/08/2017 23:34

Stop answering her! She's becoming abusive if you say how you feel or what you want, so quit replying

Heebejeebees · 30/08/2017 23:34

You have to get strong and be bluntly honest. Do a shit sandwich... Hopefully she'll take the good bit and absorb the shit Bits but change her behaviour X

Aquamarine1029 · 30/08/2017 23:38

It's not "impossible" to tell her to knock it off, you're just not doing it. In plain English tell her you have your own plans and you do not want to be disturbed by her. If she keeps calling, tell her you are blocking her number until you're ready. If she shows up, don't answer the door. The only one who can stand up for your boundaries is you.

Pallisers · 30/08/2017 23:38

people like that get away with it because people like you (and most of us) aren't prepared to deal with the shit that happens if you don't play her game.

You will have to pull yourself together. Text her and say, next four days am busy getting ready for school. See you after that. And then just block her. Don't respond. If she gets offended so be it. It is either she is offended or you are stressed and ill dancing to her tune. Just stop.

oh and don't tell her anything personal that she can use against you anymore. I had to do this with my own sister. A pity but it was her choice to throw things back at me when she got the strop. So my choice to no longer confide in her to any extent.

Handsfull13 · 30/08/2017 23:39

I'm sorry your going through this.
Unfortunately your going to have to put up with the nagging and abuse if you plan to stand up to her and not give in.
When she asks to do something just tel her you are busy getting things done before going back to work. If she kicks up a fuss calmly tell her again you are busy. If she keeps on and on tell her you can make a plan for a future but it's too late minute to change your plans.

I've found throwing questions back at people helps. When she tries to change your plans ask her why she won't except your answer and why she feels she trumps your decisions.

You might want to discuss this with your mum so you can show a united front in standing up to her.

Whereismumhiding2 · 30/08/2017 23:40

Are you asking how to phrase it to stop your sister coming round with her DC all day for your last 4 days off work?
Why not just say that? "No, we only have 4 days left before I go back to work and have too many things to do. I'll see you on ...(Sat / Sun /...) (1/2/3...) weeks time".
If she badgers, then say, "Please don't badger me, I've already said No and why I can't. It's not up for debate. I will see you on.. x date"

Namechangingshapeshifter · 30/08/2017 23:45

The problem is that no one else in my family stands up to her and then she tries to drive a wedge between me and the other members of my family.....saying I've said things about them or taking comments I've made to her in the past completely out of context.
They all go on holiday together....I can literally think of nothing worse.....then spend the holiday arguing and come back and vow never to do it again......until next time.
I suffer with really bad anxiety so arguments and confrontation really get to me. I have tried my best to stand up and refuse to do things and today I told her I was busy running errands......which I was. I just get sick of justifying everything to her. The other day she got angry because I was on the loo and didn't answer my phone!

OP posts:
Namechangingshapeshifter · 30/08/2017 23:46

I'm not sure what I was asking really. I just needed to moan about it really..I find it exhausting.

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LexieLulu · 30/08/2017 23:47

"Break" your phone. Become uncontactable for a week.

If she calls your house phone, you were out.

White lies are your friend

Namechangingshapeshifter · 30/08/2017 23:50

My phone is completely broken and runs out of battery by lunch most days.. ...it's become a godsend.
We are so very different. I really like my own company and could quite happily up sticks and live on the moon. She's the complete opposite.

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Whereismumhiding2 · 31/08/2017 00:06

OP, you don't need to justify or explain yourself to your DSis.

I took a leaf out of my then 4 year old DD's book years ago - "No thanks, I don't want to...(which I follow with)... I have other things I /we want to do on my own that week" and I repeat the first bit.

It's hard for people to argue with "I don't want to", far more so than it is if you give a list of excuses they can unpick or compromises they can stretch.

And it's honest too!!! You actually don't want to! You're allowed to enjoy your own company, to enjoy a peaceful week with your DC, to be different /a happy introvert compared to your extrovert DSis. Why not own it & just say it? You might find it'll save a lot of angst and be surprisingly easy & liberating.

redexpat · 31/08/2017 00:09

Pull the housephone out of the plug, block her on your mobile. You can unblock her whenyou go backto work.

Namechangingshapeshifter · 31/08/2017 00:45

I will try that next time. Even the kids get a bit fed up. They like staying home.

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