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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To expect my family to treat all the children roughly the same?

16 replies

NoBiggy · 02/04/2007 00:49

I have 2 girls my brother has one. As it's the easter holidays my parents are planning a daytrip with niece. My dds aren't invited. My Ps have had dn to stay almost every weekend since she was a few weeks old, while b and sil go out. I feel (probably wrongly) that I'm owed some babysitting from them, but it doesn't seem to be offered so readily. My other brother buys comics for dn, nothing for my girls. My mum holds a bank account for dn and has put a few hundred in it, not for my girls. This is because dp and I have started savings accounts for our girls while b and sil spend all their money. See, there's a reason, and I understand it, and attention is lavished on dn because her own parents are so preoccupied with themselves, but, even so...

It's late, and it's bugging me, because when it was mentioned about this daytrip, when I suggested that they could take dd along too the reaction suggested I was taking some sort of liberty.

OP posts:

chancery · 02/04/2007 01:59

yes you are being unreasonable to expect perfectly reasonable behaviour.

i personally dont know of an adult who doesnt think that their brother or sister was favoured.

My MIL blatently favoures her youngest son and his grandchildren.

i moved 300 miles away. it all seems much better from here

twentypence · 02/04/2007 03:07

You could admire them for trying to make up for your brother being a more crap parent, I suppose...but it's a bit of a stretch.

tigermoth · 02/04/2007 07:31

I don't think you're being unreasonable to feel bugged by this. If, over the years your dd is consistently not favoured, it would be really unreasonable of the grandparents. If however, this feeling is just the result of a few recent incidents, hopefully time will even things out.

To be fair, with the day trip, the grandparents might feel they can only cope with one child at a time, not three, so I don't think they are being unreasonable to say 'no' to you.

And, as far as babysitting at weekends, is this because your brother and SIL live closer? Or do they do any reciprocal favours for your parents? Or could they be having a tougher time than you imagine and your parents are helping them out in a crisis? And of course it's generally easier to babysit one child rather than two - unfair but that's life.

As for the savings account, are you totally sure they haven't some other plan to bequeath money to your daughters? It sounds like they feel more concerned for your niece, hence the savings account, which she could access easily when she is older.

It also sounds like you don't get on that well with your brother and SIL, and that might be why your parents don't feel comfortable if your children mix. And if they have their niece a lot at weekends, this might be why they don't see much of your daughters, as it's too much stress if you and your brother meet at the same time.

I am sorry you are in such an unfair situation. I hope your parents can find other ways to treat your girls - perhaps you can think of ways they could do this and very tactfully suggest this?

ernest · 02/04/2007 07:46

I don't think you're being unreasonable. This would drive me mad.

but then my kids are the only ones in the family on both sides, so no challenges as yet, tho sil is due in summer, so we'll see, esp if it's a girl, grrrr.....

My gpil are obsessive about equality tho, they even give the extra £1.73 in change if dh's present cost a fraction less than sil, so I hope I don't have anything to worry about.

Really sympathise with you, but don't know what to suggest. If it's your parents, then maybe have a quiet word, otherwise emigrate

Original poster

NoBiggy · 02/04/2007 22:40

Tigermoth, I get on fine with my brother, sil I don't really know, but things are perfectly cordial when we meet. The girls all get on fine and are always excited to see each other. I know there is no bank account for my two as my mother has told me. Because she feels my two are provided for. And that's fine.

It's just that while they (and the rest of us to an extent) are busy picking up b and sil's slack, just seems my two (and particularly my 3yo) are being overlooked. And I feel bad for her, even though it hasn't occurred to her to feel bad, you know? Because she loves an outing, and she'd love an outing with dn even more.

OP posts:

cat64 · 02/04/2007 22:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Rachmumoftwo · 02/04/2007 22:51

I know how you feel. My S and M both treat my other S's kids differently to mine. When it is the cousins birthdays they get taken to Toy shop & are allowed to chose anything they like (with a £30 price limit). Mine are lucky to get a card. Same at Xmas.
Similar reasons, my 2 have more stable home lives etc., so I try not to take it personally, but as DD's getting older they are becoming aware of difference in how they are treated, so that is why I get upset!

Troutpout · 02/04/2007 23:01

No not unreasonable...but i think it happens in most families

Original poster

NoBiggy · 02/04/2007 23:10

Rach, I think we're looking at similar scenarios here!

My b and sil have never seen fit to grow up, I'm afraid. They spend their money on themselves, and have blown their holiday budget on going out. So my p's are taking dn on hols. Honestly, I'm all sympathy for dn, she seems to be last in the queue for anything at home. We've taken her out for treats, even before we had kids and it was a bit scary (I admit, I came out in hives first time I had her for a day!)

As she's been farmed out to all the family at various times since almost day one, they all know her better than my 2 (although we do stay in touch, they've none of them had my kids to look after regularly). And that must also be a reason why they think of dn first.

It's just that when they're thinking "dn would like that", I wish they'd consider that maybe dd would too (dd2 is 7 months and not that fussed as yet!)

OP posts:

Rachmumoftwo · 02/04/2007 23:22

NoBiggy, it sometimes feels like my two are penalised for having parents who are a bit more together. This said, my DS has nicer clothes than me, more money to spend on self and free time (I can never get a sitter).
I know my DN deserves and needs her treats, and wouldn't begrudge her them. I just want them to acknowledge my 2 as well!

tigermoth · 03/04/2007 09:16

This is one of those times when I am glad I have no brothers and sisters. At least I never have to get hung up with comparing lifestyles of my nearest and dearest.

It seems to be souring your relationship with your brother and sil, even if you say you get on well with them. Are you sure your brother and sil have not picked up on how you feel?

tigermoth · 03/04/2007 09:25

Also, you say your oldest is 3 years old - and presumably your neice is just a bit older than that.

IME 3 years is still on the young side for your parents to offer to babysit and take her out trips, especially if they are coping with another child who is not that much older.

I do think it's easy for grandparents to fall into the routine of treating the oldest only (I've had this with my inlaws and my two sons - the youngest one missed out on treats while PILS did things with the oldest).

If things don't improve, you might need to wait till your dd starts school - when she will be 'a big girl'. Then ask your parents if they can take her out more as she is getting conscious that her cousin sees more of them than she does.

Original poster

NoBiggy · 03/04/2007 15:03

Actually, my kids see more of them than dn does, particularly now she's at school. Used to be that my p's would have dn weekends and one day a week, now just weekends and some days in school holidays. Difference is, we visit once or twice a week as a social visit, whereas dn is dropped off so b and sil can hit the town.

Interesting development though, maybe mum realised I was a bit put out with her reaction to my suggesting that dd might like to go out with them too, but on the phone last night she said she was buying dn's comic (she buys her one of these fortnightly magazines where you collect the things stuck on the front) and spotted one that dd might like so she's got a comic waiting for her when we go round tomorrow. Perhaps mumsy's got a clue!

OP posts:

HoraceWimp · 03/04/2007 15:04

our children are treated very differently to my sils son, by mil

tbh we have just got used to it. It is their loss afterall, not ours

mishw · 03/04/2007 20:48

No tread all the thread yet but I thought you might like to hear from a child's point of view.

My cousins always had little extra gifts when we were growing up - often these were given in front of me and I received nothing. Looking back now I know it was because they had very little, their parents had split up pretty much after they were borna nd they never saw their dad - basically my GM was trying to make it up to them, but as a child I was incredibly hurt by this and thought that my GM didn;t like me.

Actually it turns out she is just that way - her favourites have changed throught the years, (though I;ve never had my turn!). I now know its not my fault and she's taught me how not to behave with my family.

agnesnitt · 04/04/2007 15:25

My daughter has met her paternal grandmother three times. Long may that continue. Said woman is only interested in the spawn of her youngest daughter because she has much more control over the two of them than she ever will over her other daughter and her son.

It sucks, and I wish there was something you could do that was nice, but maybe you should just let grandma know that the behaviour sucks and that maybe she should realise she has more than just one grandchild. If she's a nice person (which it seems she is) she might actually realise what a twit she's being. If not, cut the loss and go with it

Agnes

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