Not to be disturbed?

[quiettimeneeded]

AIBU?

I have long (pre DC) made it known to friends and family that I don't like anyone turning up at my house unannounced and quite often will not open my door if I'm not expecting anyone. I'm quite introverted and like my own space and time. Happy to be sociable if I know in advance and I can make myself, my house etc presentable.

Was looking forward to quiet day at home with DD (17m) today after a bank holiday full of visiting family. We've lazed about and played mostly. Then I put her down for her long awaited nap and sit down ready to tuck into the nice lunch I've made myself ready for 2 hours quiet time and my bloody mother arrives. I answered the door as I was expecting a parcel and there she was, phone out ready to ring me because she could see I was in and wasn't going to answer (I did take my time getting to the door).

I tried not to be rude but was so frustrated, she could tell and kept saying 'oh shall I go?' Uh, yes please! She keeps doing this. Turned up on Saturday too, just as we were getting ready to go out to the park. OH hadn't seen DD all week as he works such long hours at the moment and I was sat there the whole time she was here thinking 'please just go, we get so little time just the three of us!'

I should add that she sees DD nearly every day as she 'pops in' on the way home from work every day around 4. I also asked her today if she could come at 5 from now on, as 4ish is DDs teatime and if she's distracted by visitors she won't eat recently. I've tried telling my mum to leave her alone while she's eating but she keeps on 'go on, one spoon for grandma'. Just bloody leave her! So because she won't listen to me, I've told her she can't come at teatime. Met with lots of annoyed muttering and 'well if I can't come at 4 then I can't come'. Fine, that's her choice. She could come, she only goes home after seeing us but entirely up to her if she doesn't want to. She comes at 4 because it's more convenient to stop here on the way home from work than come back out again once she's home. We live 3-4 minutes drive away.

She's making out that I'm being completely unreasonable. Am I? I don't think it's too much to ask to not turn up unannounced (emergencies ok, of course) and to not come when it's inconvenient for DD. I've told her I don't like people coming unannounced but she says 'I'm not people'!

YANBU. But did you actually ask her to leave , or just think it inwardly? It sounds like she will only learn by making a pointless trip to you and being told to go away.

You are not unreasonable. Your mother is being completely disrespectful to you and disregards your wishes and boundaries. Your house, your rules. You are totally within your rights to dictate when you have visitors. Tell your mum that just because she's your mother doesn't mean that as her daughter your rights and the respect you deserve don't apply.

Popping in Every day?

Bloody hell I couldn't cope

YANBU. And neither am I.

She has made a few pointless trips before when I've not even looked who it is and ignored the door. I know it's her because I get a voicemail on my phone after saying 'I'm outside, open the door then!' followed by another one 'I don't know why you have a mobile, you never answer it'. My phone is always on silent and I try not to be attached to it whilst DD is awake and interacting with me. I check it every so often.

Well yes I suppose you could take the view that one day in the future she'll be gone and I'll miss her. Of course that's true. Doesn't stop her being bloody annoying in the present. And when she's gone I will still consider her actions annoying - death doesn't make people saints!

She only pops in for half hour or so each day just to say hello to DD. I don't mind that mostly, as I know she's coming. I just don't want her to come at teatime!

Not unreasonable at all. Possibly foolish for setting up a life so close to your mother! But short of moving, just be straight with her. Say you don't want to fall out with her, but it can't all be on her terms, and you need her to respect that looking after a 17 month old is very tiring and you need to be able to keep your routine for the child's sake. You will always put your child's needs ahead of your mother's need to see her every day, and that is how it should be. So can she just come round once a week and give lots of warning. Otherwise you are going to get very upset and angry and it will end up damaging your relationship, which noone wants.

Literally, you just need to talk to your mother about how you feel, being fair and trying not to be emotional about using emotive language.

The fact that she doesn't understand how disruptive it is for her to barge in at tea time is just unbelievable. She had young kids, you would think she would remember how challenging getting kids to eat a proper meal can be. FFS. Your mother is being extremely self-centered.

YANBU to want warning of visitors and to not want your mum interfering in mealtimes if she's going to disrupt things.

However it does sound like 4 pm is convenient for her and also your DD will need to be able to eat when others are around and your mum needs to learn not to interfere in mealtimes. So could you perhaps be a bit clever about it and let her come at 4, put the mealtime back by half an hour, then tell her to go at half past because it's tea time? Then you can let her stay if she doesn't interfere and your DD will be used to her being there so it won't be as disruptive for her either.

Our routine works for us. DD goes to bed around 6/6:15 (not enforced or trained by me, she has a full on meltdown if I keep her up later) so I don't want to start messing with her mealtime. She has tea around 4, a bedtime snack around 5:30 then teeth brushed, pjs on and play until she's getting sleepy then it's into her sleeping bag, stories and bedtime. Luckily she's a fab sleeper at the moment (after being a total non-sleeping pest for her first year!) I put her down awake and she rolls around for five minutes and goes to sleep.

I realise she will need to be able to eat around others but surely it's pretty standard toddler behaviour to be like 'sod eating this boring dinner, there's more fun stuff going on' if others are around? I figured it's just a stage that'll pass like most baby stuff.

If it's too inconvenient for her not to come at 4 because she's passing then so be it. She could choose to come at 5 like I've asked as she's not far away at all, so it's up to her.

Not U at all.

Nobody drops in at our house either. Can't stand it!