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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To not have seen my father this bank hol?

7 replies

moutonfou · 29/08/2017 10:35

My dad is a freelancer and only takes time off very rarely, so bank hols have always been special and even now that I'm long grown up and living in my own home, we've always done something as a family on a bank hol weekend.

My dad has been a heavy drinker for years and it's getting worse. For a long time it was just your typical bottle of wine a night to unwind, still not healthy but low-key enough not to be a 'problem'. Now it's creeping up to 2 bottles, he starts drinking as soon as he gets home, calculates when he needs to stop to still be able to drive the day after and goes to bed rather than face being awake without drink. He's hiding spirits in the cupboards and thinks my mum doesn't know. Starts arguments with my mum and has no memory of it the day after. At parties/occasions gets black-out drunk and has hurt himself falling over a number of times.

He's becoming less coherent, even when he hasn't been drinking. I want to spend time with him and chat but he doesn't make sense anymore.

I feel constantly guilty because I should be spending time with him while I still can, and not abandoning him, but also find myself avoiding seeing him because it's painful. So I didn't make any effort to see him this bank hol. I'm going to tea with just my mum later this week.

AIBU to feel really guilty?

OP posts:
teaandtoast · 29/08/2017 10:40

I don't think you should feel guilty. Relationships take two people to make an effort. Sounds like your mum's got her hands full, though. Sad

I have to say though, I was horrified by the 'typical bottle of wine a night'. That's a serious amount of wine to drink in my world.

moutonfou · 29/08/2017 10:50

In my world too teaandtoast , I can barely drink a glass. But I know a lot of people who can easily have a bottle to themselves and wouldn't consider themselves 'problem drinkers' (albeit their health would probably disagree)

OP posts:
liquidrevolution · 29/08/2017 10:51

Nope. As a daughter of an alcoholic i say definitely YANBU.

onalongsabbatical · 29/08/2017 11:16

You may even do him more good by NOT seeing him - sooner or later, something happens to make an alcoholic reflect on themselves. Why collude?

He pretty much is an alcoholic, by the way, you do know that, right?

moutonfou · 29/08/2017 12:37

He won't use the word alcoholic onalongsabbatical . He's holding down a senior-level job so how could he be an alcoholic?? I know the truth but he won't recognise it.

OP posts:
KimmySchmidt1 · 29/08/2017 12:44

I don't think you should feel guilty but I do think you will if he dies and you have not at least said to him that you are worried about his drinking. It sounds as if your mum isn't really engaging with it either. I know it is hard but I think you both need to sit him down and support him more by talking to him about his alcoholism, and asking him to let your mum help him to get some professional help for it.

stormroof · 29/08/2017 12:45

Holding down a job makes him a functional alcoholic. Time for a massive ultimatum or he will drink himself to death.

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