Exh guilt tripping me about the dog!

[Rach5l]

I've recently gone back to full time work.
Ddog goes to the dog sitter tues am - thurs evening. Don't ask me why but he charges a flat 24 hr rate so instead of picking him up tues & weds evening he stays there 3 full days. Anyway dog adores him, loves going there, suits me well.

Ex (ever so kindly ) does me a massive favour by having the kids for tea every Wednesday evening & because of this new arrangement doesn't now see ddog for 120 seconds when he comes to collect/drop off.

They did have a strong bond & the dog does go nuts when he sees him but he hasn't walked/fed/cared for him in over 2 years. He was originally mine anyway! He still sees him for 120 seconds eow btw

So now I'm getting guilt tripped about how cruel this is & how I've abandoned him & every fucking week he asks where's ddog so he can start the conversation again. The dog sitter is like a crazy cat lady except for dogs - they love each other! He goes out at 7am every morning on a long forest walk with other crazy dog gentlemen so I'd have to get him there before that time every day.
Shutting him down or saying that doesn't work for me is not working & im now feeling very guilty & ive got a pit in my stomach every time he's due over I love ddog fgs but he makes me feel like I don't want him or am mistreating him. He's so pa it's very difficult to communicate & I thank god I don't have to deal with his ways every day now but still...

Refuse to answer the question or to be engaged in conversation about the dog.

Eg.

Ex: Where's the dog?

You: (blank stare) Anyway...here's DD's coat...lovely to see you, bye now!"

Or similar.

Just ALWAYS change the subject or blatantly ignore.

Just ignore him or change the subject it's got nothing to do with him what you do with dog and you chose to look after your dog.

We have a dog walker like yours and I swear that our dog loves her more than us! She brings her such joy, and the things they do together are lovely. Feel no guilt OP. If your ex wanted to see your dog he could come and walk it at a different time, I'm sure. Maybe point that out, and then refuse to engage in it any further.

I'm just very aware of causing any kind of atmosphere when the children are present, dd is so sensitive (& he knows I will tow the line because of this!)

he provokes me and I can't defy him or not answer him with them around because it makes dd so anxious. Remaining friendly for her sake is a huge effort but very much worth it. Dsons don't appear to bat an eyelid.

I just have to grit my teeth & remind myself how lucky I am not to have this every day but it's fucking difficult I haven't worked full time in 10 years sounds pathetic but it's stressful going back & arranging/changing everything so I can do this without him doing this too.

So aibu/cruel sending ddog for 72hrs straight? I can't think now, it just suits me it didn't cross my mind it might mean I don't love him

Ask yourself what is better for the dog- to see ex for 120 seconds once a week or to spend time being looked after in a caring environment while you work? Then act accordingly by ignoring your ex

Shamoo good one that might work.

A breezy 'come any other time to walk him if you like' how much will that provoke him though?!

"You know where ddog is"

Just repeat it over and over. It is not you causing an atmosphere in front of your child.

Be as PA as him if you need to be "Ha! Are you losing your memory? I told you last week... Here's DD's coat..."

Also, I know you said it makes your DD anxious, but is teaching her that he must be answered/mollified a good thing?

You are not being cruel to your dog. And re your ex - if you have the dog there he'll probably find something else to mither you about.

"You know where my dog is. Why do you keep asking?" Is what I would say. YANBU to send him to a sitter btw, much better to be socialised and walked than cooped up all day

The dog that is, not the ex. Although I'm sure you'd love the ex to be locked away

What Rainbowqueen said Ask yourself what is better for the dog- to see ex for 120 seconds once a week or to spend time being looked after in a caring environment while you work? Then act accordingly by ignoring your ex or just blink at him when he mentions DDog, pat him on the face and say awww bless ...

^You know where the dog is. Maybe you need to see the doctor about your failing memory as you ask me every week.

Repeat.^

'You know where my dog is. Just being a responsible dog owner.
Anyway, sure the traffic's terrible, toodles!' Insert tinkly laugh if you like.
Then shut the door before he can respond. You're not BU, you're making sure your dog is cared for and happy. Don't let him undermine your confidence

He sounds so annoying.

You've nothing to feel guilty about, the dog is happy and cared for.

Time to implement the 'broken record' technique. A cheerful 'where is always is on Wednesdays, of course!' in response to questions about where the dog, word for word, every time.

I also like PPs suggestion of saying ExP can come and walk him on the weekends. He is trying to make you look/feel bad- put it back on him!

YANBU, and your dog is happy and safe, just as he should be. You're putting the pooch first by not having him just locked up or abandoned when you can't be there. Good for you.

I'm sorry about your DD's anxiety. My personal favorite response for these situations is something along the lines of "DDog is at the sitters'." Followed by "It's not up for discussion," when he moans/questions the arrangement. Then I distract by changing the subject. Rinse and repeat as needed. Good luck!

I spoke with him about it because it really is putting me on edge & I don't need it.
All I said was dd was really worried there was an atmosphere between us and it's putting her on edge, please let's try & be friendly in front on the kids.
He said: oh no sorry I didn't realise 🤦‍♀️ !!!!
sorted for now ( I mean I never see him without them so...)

you aren't with him any more so why are you still letting him control you and call the shots?

if he is a pain then suggest he picks the children up on the doorstep or even that you send them out to the car so you have no contact with him at all.

don't give him the opportunity to enter into any sort of conversation or engagement. cant you see he knows what he is doing and loves the fact that you are being controlled by him again?

dogs love dog sitters, honestly don't feel bad. My mum's dog has just spent two weeks on a farm with a dog sitter and a bunch of other dogs - she sleeps at the foot of the owner's bed with their jack russell and has a whale of a time, and knows her mum will come and pick her up soon.

honestly, dont feel guilty, If anything the social contact with other dogs is enriching.

"If you'd like to take the dog as well let me know, otherwise he is at the sitter as I told you before"

ITA with it being more important that you show DD calm assertive behaviour and not teach about keeping the peace at all costs.

(assuming you would be ok with Ex taking dog)