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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to not want exP in my house or at the birth of our DC?

46 replies

LydiaBinn · 28/08/2017 23:00

DP and I had been together for seven years and had two DC under 5, when I left him ten weeks ago at 26 weeks pregnant. The reasons were pages long; he literally had nothing to do with the DC (besides in front of others), they didn't listen to a word he said - if he even spoke to them, they hit him, he expected me to do all discipline, bedtimes, night wakings and parenting and to just play with them occasionally. He'd be glued to his phone constantly and was a complete spectator in our lives. The DC would follow me everywhere if he was around and barely acknowledged him besides to moan at him. He couldn't keep them safe and both DC almost had serious accidents as a result of his lack of parenting.

Since the DC and I have moved, DP has rented out his house and moved into a bedsit to save money so he cannot have the DC there - it's part of his tenancy so he knew moving would mean he could never have the DC there and moved anyway on the basis that they wouldn't want to see him alone Every day he sends lots of messages asking what we're doing and when he can come round or out with us. If I don't reply, he sometimes just turns up. The DC don't ask about him and have been much happier since moving. On the occasions he has come round or out with us, he still spectates with regard to parenting and mainly spends his time asking how he can win me back.

He's still undermining my parenting but using the excuse that he doesn't see the DC much now so he only wants them to think nice things of him...! Yesterday the youngest ran into the road because he was refusing to listen to exP to hold hands and he wasn't even reprimanded by him.

I know if I say I don't want him in my house or for us to all go out together then he probably won't see them anymore, or if he does then I absolutely cannot trust him with their safety. As for the birth, I'd been hoping for a home birth but now it's been refused. I want him to have the DC while I go to hospital but he's saying no because they won't accept him and I'd be better off getting my friend (who's never looked after them) to have them while he comes to the birth. But to be honest, I don't want him there and would just be pissed off that he's not helping with the other DC like I've asked.

Do you think it's unreasonable to make my own plans regarding the birth and to ask him not to turn up unannounced at my house? I wanted to move to be separate but I still feel responsible for him and resentful that he still can't/won't parent. I feel ten weeks of trying it his way is long enough but also worry I may be being unreasonable because effectively by removing myself from the equation I could be removing the DCs dad from their lives.

OP posts:

Oswin · 28/08/2017 23:03

Yanbu. Do not be pressured into allowing him at the birth!
Tell him he can take the kids away from now on. If he stops seeing them that is 100 percent on him nor you. You can't be expected to have your ex lurking in your house till the kids are adults.

Original poster

LydiaBinn · 28/08/2017 23:13

He doesn't want them alone, though - he wants me there. I don't want to push him to have them alone because I don't trust him to keep them safe and I think he knows he can't either which is another reason he doesn't want them.

OP posts:

Handsfull13 · 28/08/2017 23:15

You aren't really moving him from them if he was barely there to begin with. If he is only interested in winning you back then tell him the reason you left was his lack of parenting and involvement, so how can you reconsider him if he hasn't made effort to change.
Tell him either he has the children while you give birth or he has nothing to do with anything and will be told after the birth he has another child.
As for the dropping round unexpected tell him it's to stop or he will not be invited in.
You need to draw some lines and make boundaries and if he can't follow them or won't bother helping then you and your DCs aren't really missing out.

Sorry your going through this while pregnant. That's hard enough as it is

GreenTulips · 28/08/2017 23:19

Is there any contact supervised centers about?
What about grandparents who could facilitate a visit?

Could he take one at a time and build a relationship?

To be honest he's making his problems into your problems

What would you like to happen? How do you see his role in the near future if he won't take them and won't let you leave?

LouHotel · 28/08/2017 23:20

I feel for you but the reality is that its a bit null and void telling him he cant see the kids at your house anymore because presumbably his contact rights for the soon to be newborn would likely be a couple of hours a day round your house.

I think absolutely do not let him come to the birth if you dont want him there but logistically after that unless your comfortable with him taking your newborn and older kids out your going to have to let him see them with you.

LouHotel · 28/08/2017 23:20

Or grandparents ect..

Original poster

LydiaBinn · 28/08/2017 23:40

Both DC want him to take the other so they can have 1:1 time with me but equally are worried about their sibling being alone with him, which shows how incapable he is.

His parents are two hours away.

Lou when he's here, he still ignores the DC and follows me around trying to kiss and cuddle me. I don't see why I should have to put up with that indefinitely, or else risk my childrens safety.

OP posts:

Oswin · 28/08/2017 23:45

No you dont have to put up with it. Once the baby is born he can take them out for an hour a day to the park or something.
Once he has no access to you it will probably stop. But that is not your fault. It's his.

Do not let him in your house again. You do not have to put up with being sexually harassed!

Original poster

LydiaBinn · 28/08/2017 23:52

It's so bad that they'd run away from him into the road. The youngest in particular would be absolutely distraught and it would be dangerous. He's playing on that to get me to go along.

OP posts:

Viviennemary · 28/08/2017 23:54

Three children under five is going to be very hard work for most people. I agree with the children going to him one at a time and let him build up his parenting skills. Constantly telling him how useless he is being is a bit pointless if you want him to step up and improve. Don't have him at the birth if you don't want to.

Fruitcorner123 · 29/08/2017 00:16

Can you get a friend or your parent or sibling to come along too when he visits? Otherwise if you could face it maybe you could meet him somewhere like a cafe once a week for an hour?It does sound like this needs a contact centre though as they are not safe in his care and you can;t continue to meet up with him like this.

BackieJerkhart · 29/08/2017 00:27

Is this the asshole that left your toddler In a freezing cold bath for ages and she screams every time he goes near her? If so then just keep him the hell away from them.

ChasedByBees · 29/08/2017 00:32

He sounds useless. Every time he approaches you at your house, just repeat like a broken record, 'you are here to see the children, not me.'

If he touches you, he has to leave immediately.

Definitely don't have him at the birth, you're meant to be calm and thinking of Labour only not what an asshole he is.

ReanimatedSGB · 29/08/2017 00:43

Cut this man out of your lives as much as you possibly can. He is useless and dangerous. Start looking, now, for someone else to care for your other DC while you give birth. If necessary, ask your midwife about what to do - tell her that your XP is abusive and therefore not safe and your parents unavailable. You won't be the first pregnant woman in this position.

Sprinklestar · 29/08/2017 00:50

He sounds like a twat. He's abusive and lazy. He doesn't need time to brush up on his parenting skills! He needs to grow the fuck up and get on with it, like every other parent in the world. Sounds like a millstone around your neck, OP. And is he sexually harassing you? If you've split, why is he trying to kiss you? Uurrgghh!

Pengggwn · 29/08/2017 02:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

quizqueen · 29/08/2017 03:40

Why did you choose to have 3 children by this man, You say he is irresponsible but, I'm in my opinion, so are you for having such poor judgement.

LonginesPrime · 29/08/2017 03:48

Agree with PPs - definitely don't let him into your house any more. It's supposed to be time with his DC, not time to sexually harass you.

I'd also make sure that your birth plan and medical notes make it very clear that he's your Ex-P and that you don't want him involved in the birth - I can't think of anything worse than someone you have that kind of relationship with randomly turning up when you're in labour and have very little control over the situation at best.

Obviously, don't tell him when you're in labour, but I would keep it quiet in your own circle too, as you don't know who might have strong feelings about the dad being there or might want to be the first to tell the news to him, etc (people can be weird like that).

Gran22 · 29/08/2017 03:57

Harsh quizqueen! I admit though I was wondering why, after proving himself to be a non parent with two young children, the OP would have a third with him.

ButchyRestingFace · 29/08/2017 04:04

Both DC want him to take the other so they can have 1:1 time with me but equally are worried about their sibling being alone with him

Each of your toddlers expressed concerns around safe guarding issues with respect to the other being left alone with their father?

What exactly did they say?

Anecdoche · 29/08/2017 04:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Neutrogena · 29/08/2017 06:17

@Gran22

I wondered that...

OP - baby steps initially but then you need to give him the children and bugger off so he has to step up to the plate.

Jellycatspyjamas · 29/08/2017 06:18

How have your pre-school children come to be concerned for the other when they're with their dad? Honestly that isn't typical concern for such small children, I wonder if they're hearing you talk about how bad a father he is and taking it from there? Children that young generally don't recognise abusuve or neglectful care when it's always been part of the relationship with a parent so you may have inadvertently coloured their view. If his care is abusive I'd be invoking social services and letting them assess his parenting capacity.

You do need to look at how you support them having a relationship with their dad - they're too young to decide what contact should look like and are too young to understand the consequences of cutting a parent out of their lives. How can you work with your Ex to come to an arrangement that is safe enough and maintains some kind of relationship. Unless you have honest concerns about their safety in his care, in which case you should be speaking to social services/family contact centre about a supervised contact arrangement.

You don't need to accept him following you around touching you etc, and contact doesn't need to involve you in handover etc.

beekeeper17 · 29/08/2017 07:04

Don't leave them with him if you can't trust him and if your children don't even want to be with him. Yes it makes things harder on you having to do all the parenting but it seems like that's what you were doing anyway before you split so it's not really much different. In fact I'd say it's better now as you don't have him bringing you down and you don't have the stress of what might be happening when he has the children.

Find someone you can trust to have the children when you're giving birth. And definitely don't allow him to be at the birth, that just sounds horrendous to have someone like that with you when you need support. If you have to do it alone it will be fine, the midwives will give you much more support than he would.

Good luck!

Cailleach666 · 29/08/2017 07:08

OP so this man has failed as a father- why did you choose to become pregnant for a third time?

Genuine question.

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