is 2 hours a week (most of the time) enough?

[DarkLightMamma]

So my daughter's dad works self employed and therefore says he can only see his daughter for 2 hours a week. We had a big argument when she was about a month old because I didn't hear from him at all until he was outside my front door. He is obsessed with saving money and therefore buys cheap unreliable cars that constantly break down and instead of arranging another day to see DD he tells me he can't come over because his car is broken and that's it until the following week when he sends a message an hour before he's leaving telling me he's on his way. DD is 10 months old next month so I know she won't remember it now, and I have worked my butt off to make sure he has all the opportunities to be involved, but right now I'm imagining when she's older and if this sort of thing happens again she won't hear from her dad until he turns up for his 2 hours a week. AIBU to think this isn't being a proper dad?? Any advice would be great!

If it was two hours a week contact but he was working his arse off to provide for her and calling/skyping her regularly (when she's older), would move heaven and earth to make the contact, and during their two hours he was a devoted father... maybe that's enough. Maybe. Maybe not.

Two hours because he's a lazy arse and doesn't prioritise seeing his child... will never ever be enough.

I have no advice sorry, except that you can only be the best parent that you can be. So she grows up knowing that at least one parent is reliable and will always be there for her.

I wouldn't say it's going to create the best bond although it is better than nothing .

If he continues she will regularly be heartbroken until she decides that he doesn't love her enough and stops loving him. Maybe just don't tell her when he is due to see her so that she doesn't have the chance to get upset?

How far away does he live?

I'm struggling imagine any circumstances where 2 hours a week would be considered "adequate" to be honest... When I had contact with my kids and couldn't have them stay overnight I saw them a minimum of 3.5 hours after school in the week and then at least 6 hours one day on the weekend too... And that was nowhere near enough either to be honest.

It seems like a half arsed effort. Saying that, there are so many dads who make absolutely no effort.

If he wants to be involved let him but stress the importance of keeping to set times dates etc
My youngests dad hardly sees him yet promises every week. He was 4 when he realised he couldn't rely on his dad. He hasn't even met his dad's new baby (who is almost 3!!!)
What I'm saying is keep communication going from your side that way if he does decide that he cba to be a dad your dd can make her own mind up.
Good luck it is heart breaking xxx

I think that's pretty crap tbh. Two hours a week and he can't stick to it or rearrange. All you can do is what you're doing. Keep providing opportunities and be there to pick up the pieces if he lets her down. Your daughter will grow up knowing that no matter what the situation was you had her back and fought her corner. The older she gets the more she'll see and understand and if the gaps between seeing her get longer either apply for another court order or accept that her life may be better without him.

YANBU, why only 2 hours? Is he really working every other hour? It might be different if he is but he sounds a bit feckless.

I do agree that 2 hours is a shitty effort, it's almost as though he wants to keep up the appearance of make an effort whilst actually not really bothering.

What I would stress is that routine is key with babies, and older children alike. When DS was born, DP and I were not together for a couple of years (we are now happily) and I put my foot down from the start, he either turned up on our agreed days, at our agreed times or he didn't come in to see DS or take him out. I strongly believed then as I still do now that routine was incredibly important. Thankfully he only let DS down once and I stuck to my word, he turned up 2 hours late and I kept him away and told him to come back 3 days later when our next agreed day was. I think it shocked him so much that I'd actually stuck to what I'd said that he didn't dare do it again.

My DP would never had suggested 2 hours.. I had to fight him down to 4 times a week as it was! He came Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday every night after working for 12 hours, then he also took whichever day he got off at the weekend and had DS from 10am until 8pm.. He worked 6 days a week and worked 12 hour days and he still managed to see DS all that time and put him to bed 3 nights a week usually after a couple of hours visiting time when he was a baby.
Working a lot is not an excuse to any man who is invested in a relationship with his child.

wendz I disagree. I think unreliable contact and last minute cancellations can be detrimental to a child's feeling of safety. No contact can sometimes be better.

Because of the time he leaves (rush hour) it takes about an hour to get to mine, actually outside of rush hour it takes 35 mins. I know I need to keep the lines of communication open, I just want to shield her from that pain. She's such a beautiful and clever little girl and I don't want her to think she's not worthy of his love. I'm getting so close to stopping contact as two weeks ago he left his phone and arranged to pick it up from mine at 1pm, I took it out to him expecting him to be in a rush but he took it then spent 10 minutes outside rolling cigs, didn't even ask about DD. Though when I raised it when she was a month his reply was that he knew she was fine because I'd have told him if she wasn't. Because he's self employed, he put a small earnings in and so the CSA recommendation is about £20/week, which he does pay, so I can't fault him that. I just worry about DD in the long run. His excuse is that he's a man and he won't change. I gave him two weeks notice for registering her birth and he didn't show up, so I'm her only registered parent.

darklight im so sorry you are going thorough this, it sounds really difficult. I'm so angry on your behalf! Clearly he isn't trying hard enough. I'd be very tempted to cut contact but of course you are thinking about the long term relationship between him and your DD.

I haven't gone through this myself but my very good friend has and it was a very tough time for her. She eventually made the decision to leave all contact arrangements up to him. So if he wants to see his DS he needs to do so via a contact centre and he had to be the one arranging it.

She did this after trying for a few years to get him to commit regularly. He used to come one week, then kot come the next, sometimes announced sometimes unannounced. It was OK when their little DS was small, but when he was about 2 he really started noticing when his daddy would and wouldn't turn up.

Things have been much calmer for her and DS since the father is effectively out of their lives. She isn't preventing him from seeing his son. She just said that he needs to show that he is willing to make the effort to see him. For the past six months he has chosen not to.

Good luck. I hope you find an arrangement that works for you.

Your DD im sure will be absolutely fine, you sound like a caring and loving mum and she will always have you!

Thank you LittleBirdBlues, I keep thinking shall I go through contact centre, problem is I mentioned that before and he chewed me out. Thing is, when he comes over and has given her dinner he then asks what he's supposed to do with her. I tell him to play with her and he is so awkward. I mean I get it doesn't come natural to men, but it didn't come naturally to me either, I had to learn. What gets me is since she was born he has probably only seen her about a grand total of 60 or so hours. How can either of them bond with that? I might call the contact centre anyway and discuss it with them, as I saw they do a supported contact which might help him bond with her. When I'm around she keeps trying to come over to me because we have that bond, which I think affects theirs. So in a neutral environment without me there they might get on better. Either way, we can't go on for 2 hours a week and no contact around the visit. In my eyes that is not a family relationship, that's a visitor.

That sounds like a well thought through idea. Letting him have some alone time with your DD might help, and perhaps he will become more proactive in arranging and sticking to his visiting times once he feels that they have a connection that is independent of you.

It does seem very little, two hours, but if it is a beginning and something to build a future relationship on, it is worth holding on for that.

If he keeps being flaky and not showing enough of a backbone to organise the meetings himself, you can reconsider. Being a parent, even a two-hour-a-week one, requires some determination and patience. If he doesn't have that, it's his loss, and you can't make him try harder. If he chooses to be angry about it and blame the world for his incapacity to see his child, then he won't be able to be any kind of father.

Good luck, I really hope he realises what he's missing and chooses to spend more time with his DD.