SIL/IN LAWS - Entitlement

[user1499333856]

More of a WWYD really.

My DD's first day at a new school today. I took the obligatory picture of her ready to go and shared it with my MIL and SIL. Over here children wear their own clothes to school and it was early and quite nippy.

SIL messaged me back saying awwww, nice. My DH just came home and told me his sister messaged him to complain how my DD was dressed.

I am upset. Angry. Tired of their continual involvement. Another nice day tinged with hassle.

So, if you were in my position, what would you do?

I don't get it. Someone in a different country thinks that you dressed your daughter too warmly this morning. Why do you care? Is she just fussing around children as some family members do or is there more to it. People can have all sorts of opinions, they don't have to have any impact on you unless you let them.
I don't see how this was hassle, she had an opinion based on nothing, don't jet the nonsense spoil your day.

May have been reasonable complaint -if it were her child- which it is not so why would she dare?

Your dh needs to jeep this crap to himself. He felt with it. Why did he need to tell u. But also don't let yourself be wound up. So what she thought she was dressed too warm, her opinion doesn't matter and hardly ruined the day

Pengg has it - send the text suggested in that post.

I would be terribly tempted to raid the dressing up box, get dd to model 4 more outfits of ever increasing bonkersness & send SIL one a day (ballgown, batman suit, Christmas pyjamas, bikini with mask snorkel & flippers).

However that would be quite childish & it's probably better just to ignore.

So your dh just repeated "don't you worry" and that's it? Wtf? Is he ok? Seems you might have to deal with it yourself if that's all he is capable of, or maybe that's why she text him and not you because she knew he would come back with a reply like that

Too warmly?
Well send a photo tomorrow of your DD in her swimming costume, sunglasses and school bag.

Why do people interfere with stuff like this?

Why does this even matter? She didn't have a go at you, she texted her big mouth brother. So bloody what if your sister in law was worried your kid was too warm?

It sounds like you like being at loggerheads.

That's really bizarre. As you can tell from all the people confused earlier, it just is weird behaviour. I would openly mock such weirdness with "well that's a really bizarre text, you been on the gin this morning!?". Treat her comments with the hilarity and contempt they deserve.

So I'm assuming you live somewhere warm and your SIL considered your DD too warmly dressed?

She might have a point but it wasn't her business to express it long distance. The school would no doubt have commented if she was too hot.

Don't send her any more pictures. Get your DH to be more forthright in his responses.
Let go of your anger - this is her problem not yours, particularly if she doesn't live near to you.

I think he was politely telling her to fuck off but I think I'd have preferred the direction version.

To clarify, we are all in the same country but not U.K. Relevant info for how school children dress.

We are not connected on social media, I'm going to disengage. It hasn't ruined the day. As a side note, the ILS are against the school (it is fee paying but I work and have had help from family). Lessons are taught in English rather than the local language which they don't like. They cause issues at several events with their over involvement. Spoilt DD 2nd and 4th birthday with scenes when DH told MIL to mind her own business, same with SIL. They are sweet as pie if it goes their way.

I don't want to message SIL. Perhaps I don't want the hassle, I now can say to DH I don't want to know. But he doesn't like that. Causes more issues.

Your dh sounds a bit weak. What did the text actually say, and why does he need to tell you about it?

We live in the Netherlands and it was 16 degrees at 7am when I dressed her.

I give up with these people.

Are people on here thinking that DH shouldn't tell me? I mean, what if I later found out?

I think what she did behind my back is quite cunty tbh. I'm better for knowing what these people will do. I think he was being loyal. Telling her to do one would be loyal too though!

Your SIL realises you can take tights off if you get too hot right?

Anyway, ignoring the fact it's a stupid complaint for a second, texting DH about a picture you sent rather than texting you stinks of telling tales and shit stirring and would piss me off more than her actual comments, so whatever you decide to do make sure DH knows about it first. DH's response is oddly worded (unless the conversation wasn't in English and its just not translated well?) and I'm not sure she'll have got that its none of her business what DD wears. I think I would just text "Hey SIL, what was that about? DD was fine so no need for your concern anyway but why go through DH not just say in your reply?"

I'd message her and say thanks for the concern, but to save her any future worry you will no longer be sending her photos. Then leave it up to DH to communicate with his family if he so chooses.

Are people on here thinking that DH shouldn't tell me?
I'd be really pissed off if i found out my DH wasn't telling me stuff like this.

Is it really such a big deal? She probably said something like "isn't she going to be warm?" Simple answer: "She's fine", end of story. She's hardly reported you to SS for neglect, has she? Complete non-issue.

Have they got nothing better to do?

Agree no more photos, and next time they stick their noses in just tell them to Fuck Off, then leave DH to deal with the fallout.

Hahaha I also have a Dutch family and this is typical behaviour for them!

Firstly your husband's response is a very Dutch response. They are extremely direct and your SIL repeating twice is because she is annoyed he's fobbed her off. My MIL has done this several times to my DH, and he just ignores or says thank you (and ignores) or takes the advice. The women are the worst with v strong opinions (in my opinion) and I've seen that with how events are organised as well (my MIL is actually an exception to that rule and v accommodating, will suggest things instead of telling, but I have seen it done!)

Please don't take it personally.

@SparklyLeprechaun - you've hit the nail on the head. Culturally that's what the Dutch do and when you say "no it's fine", they back off. It's very different from here where there's so much personal offence taken when a slight comment is made about another person/child. We get offended when something even remotely negative is said but the Dutch don't, so I hope the OP understands that.

I would write and say, 'I thought you thought the outfit was sweet? DH said you were concerned.'

Ah, they're direct. They're over involved. But taking the photo I sent and saying one thing to me but something else to my husband is an arsehole move.

And it is an issue because I don't trust what she says about me, if she supports me as the mother around my kids when I'm not there. And it's not out of character, it happens over and over again in different forms.

I'm glad I've posted this and thanks for the replies. I feel better for the vent and the perspective.

@user1499333856 - fair enough, I wouldn't send or involve her anymore. I still think it's a v Dutch thing to do, to send to your brother, but it's also very bitchy.

In your last post, you've said: "And it is an issue because I don't trust what she says about me, if she supports me as the mother around my kids when I'm not there."

I think you need to stop caring what she thinks. I had to go through this with my Dutch MIL and SIL, and it's worked wonders. They did it more when they thought I cared. Now DH won't communicate if anything critical is said. MIL would never say it to me but all sorts of comments were made when my DD was young. Really undermining and unhelpful because I couldn't trust if it was my DH's input I was discussing about something baby-related or if it was MIL through my DH (it was that bad). I stood my ground and didn't speak to them for 6 months and they apologised.

My SIL actually organised a photoshoot for DH, his DB and both of their children (so DB's DC and our DD). It was meant to be a sons and grandchildrens photoshoot for FIL and PIL's wall but my SIL got dressed up and tried to do it with her and DB, my DH and the grandchildren - excluding me because I was in the UK, oblivious. They had photos printed excluding me and gave them to ILs, and everything! My in laws declined the gift because of that, my DH had a go at her and it was all very messy, but I didn't get involved.

SIL/MIL also don't like it when we don't bring gifts for DNs but when we did last time about 2 months after sending birthday gifts (we received no thanks) we bought two small puzzles and SIL said "great, more gifts".

When DD was born, DH sent over newborn pictures and they spammed the What'sApp group with pictures of DNs doing bedtime stories.

It wasn't nice at the time but in hindsight is very funny and I don't take them seriously anymore. Please for your sanity, ignore them. Don't let them get to you. Lesson I had to learn.