To be angry with my SIL?

[Sah2241]

My brother has been with my SIL for around 6 years, married for 2 with 3 young kids. Their relationship has been one long drama from the outset - one week they are madly in love and full of inappropriate PDAs, the next he has been kicked out of the house for some unforgivable reason. I have always found her quite manipulative and selfish (based on previous experiences where after they argued she has threatened to stop his contact with the kids, falsely accused him of domestic violence, threatened to get him sacked from his job, etc to get her way), but have given her a lot of leeway as she was very young and immature when they got together, and 3 kids is a lot to deal with.

However about 4 months ago my brother had caught her texting another man, and although she claimed they were just friends, the tone of the message was suspicious and he also discovered that they had been out for dinner a few times when he thought she was with a female friend. SIL then told my brother that she had no feelings for him, that the marriage was over and asked him to move out right away. They kept in contact to arrange access to the kids, and she started texting him asking him to come round to cut the grass, change a lightbulb, give her a lift somewhere, etc. He also continued to pay the rent and bills on her house as she doesnt work. After a couple of months, he decided enough was enough and told her she would have to fend for herself (bar any child maintenances he needs to pay). A couple of weeks later, she started to text him to say she missed him, then became mysteriously ill for 3 weeks so my brother had to move back into the house to look after her, and now they are back together and full of the joys of spring. FYI I'm pretty sure this was a fictional illness as she didn't see a doctor or take any medication during that time, and recovered as soon as he agreed to get back together with her.

Now she is coming to a family event next weekend where I will have to see her. I don't want to make a fuss or make things awkward but honestly I am just so fed up with her childish behaviour I'm not sure that I can be bothered to be pleasant to her anymore. AIBU?

Oh and I should add that during the time they were split up, she claimed to my brother, her family, anyone else who would listen that my mum, my sister and I were not being supportive of her when she was going through such a hard time. She removed us from all social media, and my brother has now asked if we can apologise to her before the event so she doesn't feel victimised....

Just keep at arms length and fake smile

Personally, I would ghost the hell out of her. I would not have a single word to say to this woman. Honestly, at this point, who gives a rat's ass what she thinks of you.

Thanks for the replies. I couldn't care less what she thinks of me, the only thing stopping me from just cutting her out completely is the fact that she would probably stop me from seeing my nieces and nephew. They are very close to my kids and it would be really sad for everyone if that were to happen. But being nice to her for that reason makes me even more angry! I think it is probably a good job that I'm pregnant and won't be drinking at the weekend lol!

I have a difficult SIL (although in a different way). I´m not prepared to fall out with her because I don´t want to lose touch with my brother. So as tempting as it is to tell her what I think of her sometimes, I swallow it, am pleasant when the situation requires, and try to keep contact little and infrequent. I think in your situation, I would refuse to apologize as there is nothing to apologize for, and when you see her at the party, be pleasant and friendly in tone, even if it is only skin-deep.

Apologise for what? For her having an EA with another man? For her being a massive drama queen and behaving like an idiot towards your brother? She removed you from social media, not the other way round. She's the one who should be apologising. No way should you do so. I'd be coldly polite, nothing more.

Support your brother, support his choice. You don't need to be her best friend, or even spend any time with her. Just avoid her when you can, be civil when you can't avoid her and be there for your brother when she kicks him out again. Anything else will cause unnecessary drama and be really hard for your brother. With all he is going through, having his sister fall out with his wife is the last thing he needs. If you give her shit, she will give him shit and he doesn't need that.

No apologies but do just "smile and wave". They may make a go of things and she will be some form of permanent fixture anyway by virtue of the fact she is the mother to your nephews and nieces.

Try not to criticise when things are going wrong between them and just let your brother get on with it. I have found that any criticism (even if just agreeing with the "injured" sibling or friend comes back to bite you on the bum so now its sympathy but never agreeing or slating.

If I was giving anyone advice, I would also go with the smile and nod approach - and it is good advice. What I'm finding so difficult is that we've been doing that for 6 years now, making excuses for her and letting her get away with things just so we don't create an awkward situation for my brother. Now I think we are just enabling her to carry on behaving in this ridiculous way as she never has to face any consequences. My mum would literally do anything for her as she is so afraid of offending her. I've just reached the stage where I feel someone needs to tell her that she cannot continue to treat my family this way, or use her children as a pawn to get her own way. I know it won't help my brother much, but he's annoying me too as he admits that her behaviour stinks when they're not together, then goes straight back to appeasing her when they're together.

Yeah, this is none of your actual business. You know (or assume) too much about their relationship. Your best course of action here is to understand that this is nothing to do with you and you shouldn't be inserting yourself into it by fussing about how you will react. I suggest you react as you would if you weren't obsessing about the details of other adults' lives.

@mrsdustybusty she is making it into my business by telling lies about me and my family to just to get at my brother, and threatening to cut off contact with my nieces and nephews every time we do or say something that she perceives to be an insult (an example - last year my mum gave her a £100 voucher for a posh shop for her birthday and was taking her and my brother out for a meal - SIL was so upset that mum had got her "something so impersonal" that she refused to go out for dinner and didn't speak to her for a week). If it was just about their relationship I'd be leaving them to it, but I'm just fed up being dragged into their problems.

Well the simple solution to that is to not get involved. The only reason you're being dragged in is because you're allowing it. If there's a problem with your mother, let her sort it out. If she's lying about you, shrug. These won't be problems if you don't let them be.

You will never change her. Just be civil and go as low contact as possible.

Your brother clearly loves her but one day he will wake up to her games.

Try not to get too involved.

the alternative is not to apologise and then wait for the fall out!