Teen Sister dating an older guy.

[IllegitimisNilCarborandum]

Hi all,

I have been a long time lurker on here but this is my first time posting. My sister is 15 years old, (turned 15 in Jan.) She lives with her mother, (my ex step mother) who has always had problems with stepping up as a parent, wanting to be Dsis friend rather than parent. I never got along with exsm but that is another story.

I recently found out that Dsis has been going out with a 19 year old for a couple of months and that her mother has been allowing him to live with them. I am in now doubt he and dsis have a sexual relationship. For me this is just completely wrong, he is too old for her and she is just a child.

I have also heard rumours that he sells drugs and that exsm does these with him on a regular basis( hoping dsis does not!) I have spoken to Dsis about all this but I think she views it as me nagging her. Obviously I was concerned, my df contacted social services but they have said as my sister is nearly 16 there is not much they can do other than send a letter to exsm saying concern was expressed. They then sent this letter but sent it to df who she doesn't live with. Utter incompetence on their part IMO.

AIBU in thinking that it IS a big deal? Dsis is still a child and her mother should not be allowing this to continue, drug issues aside? Or am I getting worked up over nothing? Perspective would be appreciated.

Yanbu at all. If you suspect he's selling drugs you could always phone the police?
I'd try social services again and maybe even her school for support.

I'd really keep your nose out of this one. SS wont give two hoots about this, neither will the police. Out of curiosity when is your half sister 16?

Your father has already raised the issue - exactly why do you think you will get a different response? No one knows if they are having a sexual relationship or not. You are making wild assumption (which are probably correct, but assumptions nonetheless).

The sex and drugs are two different issues.

The drug thing is all hearsay which is why I am reluctant to raise it. My main concern is really that I just don't feel she should be having a relationship with a 19 year old man or that her mother should be encouraging it. Thanks for the advice, I will try her school when they go back next week I think. I was just shocked social services sort of shook it off with df. I understand they probably have far worse things to deal with but I would have thought it still counted as a non consensual sexual relationship as she is below the age of consent IYSWIM. She does look about 19 but i just find it pretty grim that a 19 year olds would want to be with a 15 year old I spose.

Still - she's 16 in January. I understand what you are saying. Maybe I should just leave it. Just feel I need to step in because I spose I feel it's the kind of thing her mother should have been protecting her from rather than encouraging.

It is a big deal. Call 101.

It's a damned if you do, damned if you don't kind of scenario - if your Dsis mother discouraged the relationship then she'd most likely push them further together anyway?

When is your Dsis 16?

Raise your concerns with your sister, see what she has to say I agree it's a worry but how "old" is your sister is she and old nearly 16. Ask to meet the boyfriend, express your concerns

Under the Childrens Act, young people have the right to a sex private life and she will be deemed competent to make her own decisions.

Whether you agree with it or not, many other countries use 'Romeo and Juliet' laws which basically, provided the age gap is no more than 5 years, the age of consent is lowered to 12 - so 12 and 17, 13 and 18, etc etc.

IMHO you are unnecessarily involved in this. She has parents, and her father has already intervened. I don't know what your motive is but leave it to her guardians to deal with.

No action will be taken.

I would not really say I am unnecessarily involved - I'm not a stranger or a friend, she is my sister? Nor have I gone out of my way to intervene or insert myself in the situation, I've merely raised my concerns with her to which I didn't get much of a response (but she is a teen so would expect that.)

Thanks for the insight. I can't really say I agree at all with the Romeo and Juliet thing, IMO your mindsets are very different year on year as a teenager.

It's not that I specifically want action to be taken - I guess I just wanted to know if I was being unreasonable to worry about her wellbeing here.

Thanks to other PPs for their advice too

Even if you do nothing else, report your drug suspicions to 101 or crime stoppers.

You are being unreasonable about the age difference but not about the drugs.

I have older boyfriends and then went to Oxbridge and had a successful career and life, so I do get a bit annoyed with people being too obsessed with age. The better question is, is she a fool who will let a man derail her life?

The drugs is obviously very naff and illegal, and is a legitimate worry. You dad needs to step up a be a parent about that.

Its all kinds of wrong

The fact that her mother is ok with it, suggests she isnt looking out for her daughter.

Agree with Kimmy - I don't think the age gap is a big issue at all (and I too dated older guys as a teen, and it was never anything less than a great experience unlike the guys my own age I dated at that time). But the drugs are a legitimate worry; that's where to put your concern and where your DF should be talking to her.

On the age gap am afraid you are being interfering, it is nothing whatsoever to do with you.

The drugs is a different issue but as you say you have no proof I would stay out of it. Your interference will not be welcomed

The drugs do concern me however I have no proof so I wouldn't know what to with it. Df is less concerned about this As he and ex step mum were regular drug users throughout our childhood and says it did us no harm - I beg to differ but there you go.

General consensus says I am being unreasonable and it's none of my business so I spose I shall have to leave it be and try not to worry about her so much!

When I was that age (only 10 years ago) I would have clung onto someone that someone in my life didn't approve of (infact I did once for 7 months and really wish I hadn't) whereas people that my parents/brother did approve of I wasn't interested in. The more you push this the more you are going to push her away from you and into his arms. If he is a bad sort she will see it on her own, but if you push it, it will make her blind and also leave her feeling like she will get a 'told you so' reaction if it goes wrong.

I am only 24 myself, so i do remember being 15 and that I did like to do things to rebel! Understand I will probably push her into his arms by saying anything.

think maybe part of t is that 19 year old already has 2 children under 3 with 2 different girls - one of whom is the year above dsis at school. He doesn't have anything to do with them, just says to me that he is not a great guy if he doesn't support his children - but spose she will have to figure these things out for herself.

You should take her to get reliable semi-permanent contraception. She will most likely break up with him eventually. The first thing you can do for her is make sure that she doesn't end up stuck with him (I.e. Pregnant) and that she has a reason to leave him (e.g. By making sure she gets into uni forexanole).