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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not always send my DD on playdates she's asked on?

26 replies

MrsOverTheRoad · 28/08/2017 12:45

DD's 9. She's very friendly and quite popular...I have a much quieter older DD who has always had a small group of best friends...think a core group of 3 girls plus older DD who always played together.

So when DD2 came along and had a very broad group of friendships indeed, including two "best friends" I was quite surprised at how different the girls' social lives were....and I'm quiet and introverted myself so it's all been eye opening.

So to get to the point...DD2 is asked on a LOT of playdates...this in itself isn't an issue, of course it's a very nice thing....but generally there are three or more invitations a week...either by text or face to face in the playground.

But sometimes she gets asked by kids she's not particularly keen on playing with....she doesn't MIND them as such but she's quite clear in that she would be just as happy NOT to go as to go...and sometimes she thinks she'd rather come home when a playdate with one of this group has been arranged.

It's never DD asking if she can have them to play here....wheras she'll ask for other kids...her two best mates for instance.

Then if I say yes...DD CAN go to play with one of the kids she's not that close to...I feel I must reciprocate. And that's hard when I work three days a week.

So what do I do? I got a text today "Can X have DD over to play on Thursday?"

So I asked DD "Do you want to go and play with X on Thursday?" and she's just not bothered....she'd go if I said "You're playing with X on Thursday" but there are so many of these invitations on a weekly basis that it feels a bit like I'm "lending" her out and that we wouldn't see her if I always agreed.

I know I'm rambling....the point is, what do I SAY? Do I say "DD says she's not bothered so no" or make something up? Saying she's not bothered is mean....so what then?

OP posts:
LottieDoubtie · 28/08/2017 12:46

Sorry you have family plans that day.

FluffyPineapple · 28/08/2017 12:49

"Thank you for asking but we have plans for that day"

Aeroflotgirl · 28/08/2017 12:49

No sorry, you are busy, have plans. Its an invitation, you don't have to go, especially if your dd is not that keen on them.

Original poster
MrsOverTheRoad · 28/08/2017 12:57

What about if the asker offers a choice of three days as has happened with this latest invitaion?

OP posts:
Original poster
MrsOverTheRoad · 28/08/2017 13:07

Any advice please? This particular parent has offered up three suitable days this week...eg "Tuesday, Wednesday or Friday would suit us"

I can't very well say "Sorry we're busy on all those days" can I?

OP posts:
Aeroflotgirl · 28/08/2017 13:14

Oh I am not sure, will have to check. Leave it vague. We are busybthat week, and the kids want some time at home.

LadyMonicaBaddingham · 28/08/2017 13:14

"Sorry, we've got a really busy week... Maybe another time?"

LadyMonicaBaddingham · 28/08/2017 13:14

"Sorry, we've got a really busy week... Maybe another time?"

AvoidingCallenetics · 28/08/2017 13:17

You don't have to reciprocate, not with kids your dd isn't too fussed about playing with. That might help solve some of the problem in the long term.
It's hard because they are just trying to make their own child happy and you don't want to offend thrm.
I think I'd say something along the lines of dh being off work this week and so you are keeping the time free to do family stuff.
Or invent visiting relatives.
Lying to spare feelings is your way out of this. If you want to soften it, you could offer to arrange something when they are back at school. Then hope everyone forgets about it.

liminality · 28/08/2017 13:19

'The kids have been a bit frazzled lately, so we're limiting playdates for a while til we get settled in a better routine. Please don't be offended if we don't accept any invitations for a little while.'

AvoidingCallenetics · 28/08/2017 13:22

I like that one liminality

gingerbeerd · 28/08/2017 13:31

As long as you're being polite declining is normal, don't worry too much

Allthebestnamesareused · 28/08/2017 13:37

I don't think you have to reciprocate.

I have 2 much older and one younger so almost raised like an only child.

I would often invite people over as he'd enjoy the company. I certainly didn't expect invites back. Some did and some didn't and I didn't take it as an insult if not invited back.

MrsJayy · 28/08/2017 13:42

I think at 9 your dd has said who she does and doesn't want to play with i think you can say no Dd doesn't want to atm maybe we can organise it another time and just leave it at that

Oblomov17 · 28/08/2017 13:42

I disagree. I think you should reciprocate.
If she's not that bothered, not that into the other child, then just tell the mum that, in a polite and soft way.

Then she won't need to go to A's. And she can have B and C round, which is what she really wants.

Why send your dd to a playdate when she's not that interested in the other girl?

Oblomov17 · 28/08/2017 13:43

I mean I agree with reciprocating generally. If you do send her. Best to reciprocate. But if she's not that fussed about going. Don't go. Problem solved.

MrsJayy · 28/08/2017 13:45

Yes say we have been very busy we can arrange something when school is back. She is 9 so hopefully play dates will be stopping in the next year or so

Bluntness100 · 28/08/2017 13:48

You don't need to reciprocate. That's not how it works. Your daughter is old enough to make a decision. Not bothered isn't an answer. It's yes or no and she tells the kid.

Trb17 · 28/08/2017 13:49

For multiple date offers just say, "sorry this week is mad busy for us, maybe another time" and leave it at that. If they persist with later date say "you'll have to check nearer the time" and then repeat these two on loop as necessary.

Oblomov17 · 28/08/2017 20:47

Ok
There is no easy way round the this.
You grow a pair of bollocks and say :
Dd doesn't want to do this.
End of.

stella23 · 28/08/2017 21:18

Could you say something like dd is a little unsure at the moment, she's a bit a a home bod at the moment thanks for the invite though it was very kind

Original poster
MrsOverTheRoad · 28/08/2017 22:42

Thanks everyone....Stella, DD would never be believably thought of as unsure...or a homebody, even temporarily! Oblamov I do wish I could! The child whose Mum has offered three dates this week is a lovely child but his Mum is a bit pushy. DD does like to play with him at school but she said to me "He;s a friend for at school Mum...I don't like playing at his house"

I didn't press DD as she seems so adept at compartmentalising her mates...some are school friends and some aren't...is that fair though?

OP posts:
missmollyhadadolly · 28/08/2017 23:08

Of course that's fair! Please don't send her on playdates if she's not bothered.

Sadly, I think girls are brought up to be polite and people pleasers, and it doesn't always serve them in good stead in the future.

Nomorechickens · 28/08/2017 23:13

Ask her which friends she would like playdates with and put aside time for those, and time at home too. It sounds as if that will fill all her time. Then you can say 'sorry, she is booked up for the next few weeks' to all other invites.

Handsfull13 · 28/08/2017 23:35

I would simply say you have a few plans this week can we raincheck for another time.
Or 'dd has been out a lot recently and has a few more planned so we are keeping some days free to spend some time together.'

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