Good friend DH not welcome

[Lavenderfly]

I need some help.

My friend dh is not welcome in my house.

Long before they were married or had D.C. We went on holiday and he absolutely messed it up. He acted like an absolute jerk and caused terrible atmosphere for the short holiday.

Before that he was welcome in my home but since then he hasn't. 4 years later and he has misbehave many times in group functions like wedding etc. he acts up and storms off, starts arguments. He is toxic person.

Anyway he picked my friend up the other day from mine. They are married with D.C. Now. She asked me if he could come in, I said no. Today she turns up to collect and drop things off and he comes with her. She never said he was coming, but he did and they stayed in my flat for a few hours.

How do I tell her he is not welcome without hurting her or creating difficulty. She knows he isn't welcome but she doesn't understand and is trying to get him to attend my parties etc. I just don't want him in the house - he is too unpredictable- what do I do?

I like to avoid confrontation and arguments if possible. Sorry it's very long.

You just have to tell her straight but how will you feel if she doesn't like it and it ruins the friendship?

Honest conversation with your friend as soon as possible- she put you in a difficult situation earlier if she "knows" how you feel, so you need to be crystal clear.

DF, I love you but I don't want to spend time with your H, certainly not at my house. He's unpredictable and it makes me on edge. Please could you respect that?

And go from there.

You also though need to find a way to make sure she doesn't drop contact with you because her H either makes it a case of choosing sides or she is isolated by his behaviour. It sounds as if she needs friends with a H like that.

Maybe he has reformed?

As you've said, she knows he isn't welcome. You may need to decide how much you value her friendship, as she's ignoring what you want on this issue.

I often think maybe I am unreasonable. But I can't relax around him, he puts me on edge. I can tolerate it at other functions because I must. But I don't want him here.

I think I am more furious at her, for turning up with him even though I told her a couple days ago that he wasn't welcome. I think that is most rude.

I wonder if she would put me in a position again even if I told her explicit. Maybe I should not invite to the house anymore, even though her DCs get on well with mine and play nicely in the house.

Thank you for all your replies, very helpful

I'm sorry to hear that, it sounds a very serious situation where you are stuck between a rock and a hard place

I wonder if this is a common issue and if people have various ways of dealing with it. As we can choose our friends but not their SOs it must happen more often than I thought.

You can't expect her to take your side over her husband's. I think this friendship has run its course.

I did have a situation like this - in my case the DH decided to text me his various sexual fantasies. My friend believed him when he told her it was 'just a joke'. The friendship didn't survive - sadly.

Your house your rules.
That said, she may decide not to come back if you don't let him in.
What's more important to you OP? I wouldn't be backing down, and if a friend couldn't understand why my home has to be my sanctuary then I would quietly mourn the friendship, but understand she's made her choice.
Is it really so critical he be in your house for the friendship to survive? I have friends who's dh's haven't been in my house (just circumstance, not because they're banned) and it's totally fine.
It doesn't sound as if she's going to respect the boundary you've set, and her bringing him with her that second time was a blatant fuck you. Did you feel unable to speak up at the time? I get why, just wondered what the circumstances were there?

You told her he's not welcome, she ignored you. That's how she feels about it. She knows you wouldn't want to make a scene.