8 weeks PP - Expectations of DH

[Finla]

So I had a baby 8 weeks ago, I'm only just feeling remotely normal again having had some bad anxiety issues which I suspect was PND but hopefully getting better now.

I suspect I know the answer to this already but I need another perspective on whether my D(or not so)H is being unreasonable or whether it's me?!

So, since DS was born he hasn't done one night feed. Now I am back to relatively normal and can cook/clean like before he doesn't offer any help in the house. All the help he gave me at the end of the pregnancy and immediately pp has ended and he is basically lying around on the sofa whenever there is a spare moment and watching me do the cleaning. In terms of looking after the baby he doesn't do anything unless I specifically ask him to, if I do then he will do it and he is interested, good with him but it frustrates me I have to ask!

On the positive side he does look after the garden and regularly escapes to mow the lawn - I suspect away from me! He also works hard in his job.

I have lost the plot tonight, in a horrible, shouty, sweary way and I feel a mixture of guilt and sadness. I'm tired because of the lack of sleep and still quite anxious so I've completely exploded. He was a bit lazy before we had the baby but we had a good chat about this in advance and I thought we were on the same page. He's just come back in lecturing me about how my behaviour is unacceptable and now we are not speaking at all as he wouldn't let me reply to him and then I ranted again that he was a lazy b**tard.

I'm so fed up, please tell me I'm not BU?

No yanbu, what can I say, it killed our relationship , and in my experience they don't change. Sorry I can't help with ideas nothing worked in my relationship

He sounds a right lazy dick.

Stella - this is what I am worried about. I know it's early days but it feels like the love is just draining away. Doesn't help that I feel horrible about myself, we're sleeping in separate rooms ATM and there is a massive lack of affection

YANBU he sounds like a lazy bastard. As for marching in and announcing that the two of you are no longer talking? Thats just childish bollocks that i cant believe a grown man would actually say. I think you need to sit down when calmer and less tired and explain A) why you are upset B) how he could and should help more and C) that he cant talk to you like you are beneath him.

Lazy pudding of a man. Kick him firmly up the behind.

I have been known to do mine and the kids laundry, cooking etc and just ignore dh when he went through a similar patch (pokemon fudging go!!). He got the message after several days of no dinners, lack of clean clothes and a swift intro to the sofa when he attempted to get cosy.

Try and talk to him when you are calmer (easier said than done I know) and be very clear that it takes 2 to make a baby and (mostly) it takes 2 to parent it.

Sending ((hugs))

Are you bottle or breast feeding? If bottle, I would be telling him he is in charge of a specific feed.

Maybe write down all the things that need doing around the house and with your DS. Show him how much needs doing.

Share this link with him. It's very accurate. www.theguardian.com/world/2017/may/26/gender-wars-household-chores-comic?CMP=Share_iOSApp_Other

I don't know, I mean my DS is nearly 14 months and I breastfeed so I've done every night feed for 14 months.. which is about 7x a night for .... well, Jesus that's amost 3000 feeds.
Because that's kind of "my" job that's just the way it is. He does do a LOT round the house though and I sometimes take a lie in until 8ish on a weekend. I don't know, I've always thought it makes no sense to tally up who does what BUT we both know we pull our respective weight and if you know he isn't, well that's an issue.

Sorry to tell you, my relationship with my DS father imploded when I realised I couldn't rely on him postpartum.

Oh he'd do the laundry, and clean up, but ask him to do ANYTHING with DS was like stage managing a bloody two man production at the Almeida. Literally had to puppeteer everything. And he was so bewildered by my postnatal anxiety it was tragic. He used to drink (two or three glasses of wine) on an evening so I could never leave DS with him, or if I did, had to give him a weeks warning and continued reminders so he didn't stop by the pub on his way home.

He's a good man but a shit partner. We get on better now we're separated to be honest.

Sorry- you guys might work it out, we had a lot of other stuff going on too that contributed to the relationship braking down, but ultimately we didn't make it because he tried his best, but his best just wasn't good enough.

I went through something similar when our DD was about 3 months old.

I got my DH to take the day off work and made him do everything he expected me to do - full care of baby, housework, meals etc.

I went out for a late breakfast and shopping with my sister. My DH called me after a few hours and begged me to come home as he couldnt get anything done and was stressed.

Since then he never questioned how i spent my time, if housework wasnt done etc.

He also started helping out more at night so i could have a bit of peace.

Did he lecture you and do the childish ' not talking to you' thing before you had the baby?

Did he want the baby?

No excuses , just trying to see if there is anything there worth saving.

Hopefully he will realise what an arse he is being.

I'm bottlefeeding now as breastfeeding was going great but I had to stop as the hormones were making me feel completely crazy. I feel lots better now and we do have a good baby who only wakes once in the night but it's still tiring and what annoys me more than anything is just the unspoken expectation that it's all my responsibility. I'm very happy to do the feeds but I just feel that if you can see someone you love is tired and could maybe do with a bit of kip, you'd at least offer!

My husband is lovely, but useless with initiative at times. I also think he was a bit 'lost' after our kids were born. I kind of turned some baby things in his job - bath time is a good one. Doing lunches and hoovering are also his jobs.

We had some belters of arguments a few weeks after babies arrived 😐

Yanbu. Nip it in the bud early. Leave him regularly with dc. Bonding time for them, a break for you and he can experience the realities of being alone with a dc, don't forget the list of chores . If they never do what you do, they will never understand how hard it can be.

I think having a gentle word will not work; short sharp shock bollocking is more the way you'd need to go. Properly pull him up.

Harsh and brutal approach but the scales need to fall from his eyes as to how he views his contribution because right now it's f all and completely useless and selfish.

Good luck, because that kind of thinking is often the 'real' viewpoint of the DH/DP coming out, what they REALLY think. Nothing but the highest level of shock and awe will stand a chance on getting through and even then if you seriously have a go, it may not change then either. How he can sit on his arse whilst you've been up in the night and are still doing the housework - just WHAT?!!!

I does kill the love if it goes on for any length of time.

Try to nip in the bud if you can.

It's just so hard because if I try and explain, he just calls it morning and switches off. He genuinely has no idea and he also genuinely can't be arsed. He doesn't see the mess, doesn't see my tiredness... he's not a bad person, just completely and utterly oblivious

*Moaning not morning!

'I try and explain'

You might as well stand in front of someone like this and go blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah because that's all he's hearing, carry on 'trying to explain' and absolutely NOTHING will change.

Leave a made up bottle, nip out, tell him he's looking after the baby. Then make yourself unavailable (and I mean completely unavailable) during and an hour either side of when the night feed is due. Do it soon, do it this week. Or you're stuffed.

You HAVE to be black and white, brutal almost or I'm telling you, he will NOT get it and you will be writing on here in a few years time how he never helps round the house (still), never takes the kids out to give you a break, never picks a child up from school or takes them/him to after school activities....this will be your future.

He WON'T see your tiredness.

You need to tell him what he's doing, if DS is bottle fed there are no excuses.

DH does the night feeds on a Friday. On a Saturday morning he takes DS out for a walk so I can lie in. I then do the same on a Sunday. This means weekend sleeping is fair.

We take it in turns to bath, bottle & bed. Whoever isn't doing it must sort out downstairs and get tea started.

It took a while before he realised all the little things that needed doing but I just kept repeating them (have you sterilised the bottles, have you wiped the surfaces, is there any washing in the machine that needs hanging out).

If you don't find fairness and balance now, it will fester and breed resentment.

Having a baby (particularly your first) is like taking your life, putting it in a box and throwing in a hand grenade. Everything you have described - every single one of your feelings - is normal. My dh' s life didn't change after I had dd1. I tried to be the perfect mother and wouldn't let him do a thing because a) I didn't want anyone to think I couldn't cope and b) he'd do it wrong and fuck everything up and the baby would cry and I'd want to throw myself out if an upstairs window. The thing Is, you can't do everything yourself without losing the plot. You need to tell him that he needs to step up. Give him set tasks to do every day. He can do dd's bath. Alternate putting ds to bed. Whilst one deals with the baby, the other cooks. On a Friday night, he does all of the get ups and you get the lie in in the morning. Do not intervene if dd1 cries, your dh will do things differently but he will cope and your ds will be fine. With our second baby dh stepped up from the off- get learned his lesson. Do had I, evidenced by me handing her over to him aged 2 days and telling him I was going for a sleep a s to wake me when she needed a feed.

He's pulling the old your nagging me card. Turns to round onto you having the problem and being unreasonable towards him.

I had one like this - he was capable of doing any chore, but only did any thing when asked (and sometimes forgot, even then). If I asked more than once I was nagging, and when I said couldn't he just do some washing, when there was some there, or volunteer to cook tea sometimes, he really seemed to believe it when he said 'how can I know what to do unless you tell me?'. I explained over and over that he was an adult, we both worked, so no reason for house jobs to be mine, to occasionally be issued to him.
He never changed, we split up 10 years ago. He spent more time with the DCs, actually interacting once he only had them one day a fortnight, tbh.

OP, I'd suggest you sit him down and tell him you are really serious about this, remind him he's supposed to be doing a fair share, and keep telling him what to do for the first week. Then tell him he should be able to carry on helping. Then I'd book and overnight stay at a spa with a friend, and clear off, so he can be fully responsible for about 24 hours. I wouldn't normally approve of the idea of training an adult, but if you want to stay with this bloke, I think you need to teach him what you need from him.

Thank you all for the advice. I am going to try and get some sleep tonight and then tackle it again in the morning. Seems like head on is the way to go though!

And stop asking him to help you, it's not helping, it's parenting, dping his share of the chores. It's not your job, you're not solely responsible, he needs to pull his weight and be a partner/father

Perhaps speak about this when neither of you are wound up so no one gets defensive and you can have a proper conversation.

Is he back at work? If he's working presumably he won't do night feeds but can definitely help in the evenings with getting ready/bedtime routine? Maybe put him in charge of say bathtime or storytime and pajamas or something - then he can do that every time without asking?

Do you think maybe he's uncomfortable with the baby/anxious about doing things right and thus just doesn't do things? My OH went through a bit of a phase asking me everytime he so much as touched the baby and got me to check nappies after he did them (as if I knew any better than him!)