How can you tell if it's you, if it's him, or if it's just the huge change of having a baby?

[StrugglingFirstTimeMum]

I am so tired. I argue with my husband constantly. He thinks I'm grumpy all the time, and maybe I do come across that way. We have a gorgeous energetic 8 month old who takes all my energy and I don't have anything left to deal with arguing all the time as well.

I am on maternity leave still. I do all the housework, cook all the dinners. All the childcare, with the exception of an hour or two at the weekend, possibly, and husband does bath and story. The baby sleeps through now, so I thought things would improve but we are still jumping down each other's throats for the smallest things.

How can I tell if it's me? i.e. possibly PND (I heard this can come out as anger. I do feel angry a lot, but not with the baby).

Or maybe it's him? I don't feel he pulls his weight at weekends, and he has a lot of time for his hobbies. I don't. Worryingly I feel that he sometimes is telling me how to feel (i.e. I'm never allowed to be annoyed about anything, he will turn it around to me being "grumpy", which he says is unreasonable, so my feelings don't feel valid. Though he probably just thinks I'm always angry for no reason).

Or perhaps it's just the difficult first year after having a first baby. But how on earth do you tell?

I'm so tired.

YANBU. Your husband needs to pull his weight. You need some downtime too.

My DH and I were like this. It only improved (and my PND) when I saw a therapist and went back to work when baby was 10
months old. It's easy to feel and to be taken advantage of on mat leave.

It's common for couples to fight after a new baby comes along. It's such a change but this is taking the piss.

It's him. Since having a baby your life has got more difficult while his has got easier.

Time to introduce the concept of Daddy baby time where for the good for their relationship they spend half a day together without you and yes her has to plan what to do, pack the bag and take appropriate food. You also need to discuss the division of labour.

I think you need to sit down and have a talk with him.

DH's and my relationship has never been the same since our DCs. We're permanently exhausted, frequently at loggerheads about who does the most/least at home, always in a state of competitive illness/exhaustion. Prior to the DCs, we'd never had a single argument in 9 years together. Post-DCs, we've had some hum-dingers. When we actually sit down and have a civilised conversation, we realise we're both just knackered and have no one to take it out on but each other since we have to put 'masks' on for the DCs, family and work colleagues.

Now that our DCs are 5yo and 3yo, I think things are getting better between us as the physical hard work of two small children is starting to lessen and we're developing coping strategies.

But you really need to talk to him. He may be doing/experiencing a whole lot of stuff that you haven't even registered, or have some unjustified gripes against you that need airing and rectifying.

YANBU at all but honestly having a baby is like a bomb going off in your marriage and everyone needs to recalibrate - and that includes your husband big time.

I suggest that you try to sit down together when you aren't stressed or fighting and have a frank conversation. He has to look at your schedule and realise that you need as much downtime as he does. You also need time together with the baby where you do something as a family and you both take responsibility. At the weekends and after work he needs to be pulling his weight - doing the bath isn't enough.

And dismissing your feelings isn't on. You feel what you feel. Seems a reasonable response to being sole caretaker of a baby with 2 hours off at the weekend - I'd be a lot "grumpier" if this was me. Tell him if he pulls his weight (and specify what that means), and realises that he is as much responsible for this baby as you are, then you promise to be kinder. But you'll never be less angry as long as he is taking the piss like this. Life should change for both of you - not just you.

Honestly, if you are going to be happy together he needs to step up and then you both need to resolve to be as kind as possible to each other - but that only works if one person isn't massively imposing on the other. You can't be kind in those circumstances.

I live in a country where maternity leave was 3-4 months tops. It was hard but I sometimes wonder was it better because we never got into the routine of the one on maternity leave doing everything for a year - it was all hands on deck fairly fast.

Thank you for your responses. I agree we need to talk when we're calm but honestly I'm feeling the weight of the responsibility of being the one to bring it up, and dealing with it if it turns into an argument. Probably a bit too tired to think about it now, feels like too much of a challenge. Common theme of avoiding the issue when we do have chance to chat as I'd rather try and relax...

I'm scared that it might be me in that I don't really recognise myself and my current short temper. And scared it might be him as that just worries me about the state of our relationship.

If you are struggling to discuss it and you have access to a baby sitter perhaps you could discuss it in a neutral public venue so you both have to be nice to each other or even have a couple of sessions with a relationship counsellor. Having a baby is a major challenge for a relationship.

Great post pallisers x

Your husband needs to pull his own weight.

Me and DH do alternate nights. We get one full day to ourselves every other weekend to do as we please and the other day we spend as a family.

When DD was small she was fed just before DH came home from work. He would do her bath and story and then I'd feed her to sleep. He would be cooking dinner as I did. The next night I would do it while DH chilled after work.

Easier now DD is older- DH will come home from work and do bath/bed then make tea. Next night I'll do the same.

Yeah, I'm with you. No advice but I've thought several times, very seriously about leaving him. He works (how very important), and the baby "is your job"

He'll do an occasional bath time, have a play, but thats it. Won't dress him, in case he hurts him. Won't be with him when he's eating, in case he chokes. Has never done a night waking. Not once. If he's tired, he'll have a lie in. He doesn't get that even if ds was up for three hours in the middle of the night, but then still gets up at 7, I don't get the option of just not getting up because im tired.

I wouldn't be able to actually leave the baby with him because he's an actual liability, he really isn't safe. I don't know if I never realised how stupid/careless about things he is until DS came along.

He works hard, usually five days and four nights, but he doesn't have to. And on two of the three nights off, he goes to the gym straight from work and doesn't get in till after 9pm. I'm fortunate that ds is a relatively easy going baby. I've told dh like fuck am I going back to work. Why would I just insert more stuff into my day and still have to do all child rearing?

My ex and I were exactly the same, he left us on Monday and moved his stuff out today! He has told me it is over and there is no reasoning with him at all! He's not interested in trying! I'm heartbroken, you need to try and save your relationship now so you don't end up like me! Make time for each other, explain how you feel and ask him to tell you how you feel! I wish I had now

It's him. You can tell this because of the division of labour.

When it's just the stress of a baby, you're both exhausted because you're both trying to do all of it and perhaps you have a particularly tough baby. So you snap at each other and get competitively tired etc but have no energy to talk it out.

If you had PND with no other issues then again he'd be doing more and he'd probably be stressed and worried about you.

It's utterly unfair of him to act as though his life has not and does not need to change while you are run ragged.