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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To wonder what's going on in H head?

16 replies

IlovePeppa · 27/08/2017 16:30

I posted back in March that H had a ONS. Since then I've tried to make a go of it for the sake of our 2DS.

We have been in seperate rooms since March and he has made hardly any effort to put things right. Said he was sorry at the time and made the right noises and I got a bunch of flowers (sigh) but that's about it.

Now, 5 months on, we are just like mates at best. Absolutely nothing there anymore. But he seems happy with this.

I have decided to ask for a divorce once the summer hols are over. But he's just mentioned about as all going on holiday in October!!

I just don't understand how he thinks this is acceptable as a marriage living like mates?!

OP posts:

FallingOrbit · 27/08/2017 16:35

Sounds like a tough one. Which one of you do you feel can't get over it? You or him? Maybe he feels utterly shit and unworthy etc.

It doesn't sound like you've tried talking about it to get to the bottom of it, maybe give that a shot?

silverbell64 · 27/08/2017 16:37

Sorry to hear this OP.

What he is doing is unacceptable in my world but everyone's different I suppose. Seems like you haven't quite made your mind up regarding a divorce as suggesting a holiday in October wouldn't really matter much if you had.

FallingOrbit · 27/08/2017 16:38

Actually, having just noticed the significance of the subject line...

Don't wonder - ask him.

Original poster

IlovePeppa · 27/08/2017 16:38

*Falling, we have talked lots, told me he was drunk and that was the reason. But he wasn't too drunk to perform.

OP posts:

silverbell64 · 27/08/2017 16:43

It's never a good idea to "make a go of it" for the kids sake. In order to really make a go of things you'd have to forgive him and it sounds like you haven't.

ShitOrBust · 27/08/2017 16:43

Don't ASK for a divorce - TELL him he's being divorced. He's not even sorry about the ONS - you're right to bail.

FallingOrbit · 27/08/2017 16:44

OP, there are a few things you need to establish.

Do you still want to be with him?

Does he still want to be with you?

Are you satisfied that he's sorry and do you think it'll happen again?

If you want to be together (as in a relationship not just buddies in the same house) then there's a reasonable chance that you could sort it out and make it work.

For me, it's right up there smack at the top of my don't do list. Any infidelity and you're out, no turning back. But that's just me. I understand people make mistakes, but that's the only one I won't forgive. Well, I might forgive, but they're still out. And I'm a bloke btw.

Original poster

IlovePeppa · 27/08/2017 16:52

I don't know if I trust him anymore and tbh not sure if he would do it again. He works away a lot which is when it happened. He said he would never do it again but I never thought he would do it in the first place.

I have lost all respect for him and not sure if I do love him anymore. But our DS's adore him which is what is still keeping me in this marriage.

I'm not even sure if he loves me anymore as he hasn't told me in a couple of months.

OP posts:

FallingOrbit · 27/08/2017 16:55

Then I would say it's done. And I agree with silverbell regarding making a go of it for kids sake.

If you can't bring your self to forgive him (this is down to whether or not you can genuinely do it, like I said I wouldn't) and you've (understandably) lost respect for him - it's done. If you don't think he loves you any more - it's done. If you're feeling shitty about something that isn't even your fault - it's done.

silverbell64 · 27/08/2017 17:02

How awfully painful for you Peppa. Im not here to judge by the way, I know of many marriages that have weathered one night stands/affairs. It's early days for you. Could you get a bit of space for a while? I'd tell him to move out for a while so you can gain a bit of perspective.

Original poster

IlovePeppa · 27/08/2017 17:14

Silver, I was hoping we could get through this too that's why I didn't end it back in March. But 5 months on and there has been very little effort from him to make things right.

I don't expect forgiveness and apologies all the time, but I expect him to make me feel special and loved, like I'm the centre of his universe but I get bugger all.

Which I why I'm going to ask for a divorce but he just seems perfectly happy living like this.

OP posts:

ferriswheel · 27/08/2017 17:16

I did everything I could do fix my marriage too. I'm sorry I agree, it sounds like its very over.

silverbell64 · 27/08/2017 17:17

Well Peppa, I'm glad you seem to have made that decision now. Next step is not to "ask' but tell him you require a divorce.

Aquamarine1029 · 27/08/2017 17:17

Have you tried couples therapy?

pigsDOfly · 27/08/2017 17:28

He might be happy living like you are OP but you're clearly not and he's making no effort to improve your life together.

Sounds like a very sad sort of life, no affection, no sex, no anything.

Forget about what he's thinking regarding a holiday in October, or 'making a go of it' for the children. It's your life and you're entitled to live it well. Do you really want to live your life like this for the foreseeable future? If not, go ahead with your plans and tell him it's over.

FizzyGreenWater · 27/08/2017 17:35

You don't know if you trust him?!

I'd say it was s pretty sensible approach not to trust him as far as he could be thrown.

My interpretation of the behaviour- he doesn't give a shiny shit about you or the marriage. He got caught. Yeah whatever. Bunch of flowers for 'er indoors. How you feel? Rebuilding trust? Not even on the fucking register. Yes right now he'd clearly rather not jump ship but it sounds as if he's happy to be there for convenience as you're letting him but he'd have not really cared less if it had gone the other way.

So- his actual care and attention is elsewhere. Maybe on him, as he's a selfish fucker and cared as little about the woman he had a quickie with as he does you (btw I doubt he was that drunk). Or maybe his head is elsewhere as he's still cheating, is covering his tracks better and is planning to bail soon anyway- so who fucking cares how you feel.

Either is bad. You need to dump him- plan things first, especially financially, but start thinking divorce. He is not a husband nor does he seem to want to be.

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