To ban my little brother from talking to our mum and call the police?

[Millerr]

Basically, my brothers and I have a very strained relationship with our parents. I don't really want to get into it but neither of them were good parents and there was abuse and neglect when we were kids. None of us really have a strong relationship with them and my mum has a habit of only getting in touch when she wants something.

My youngest brother (now 15) has been living with us (me and my other brothers) for a few years. Prior to this he was living with my mum and step dad but there was a serious incident and he was removed from their care. His relationship with my mum is complicated as he does love her and she uses this against him big time. They are supposed to have limited contact, via telephone, but this is was stopped for a few months last year because she was laying it only thick to him 'I love you, but obviously you don't love me, you hurt me' etc. It started again earlier this year and seemed to be going okay. My eldest brother initially listened into the phone calls and monitored text messages constantly but recently has only been monitoring it sporadically.

Anyway, for the last couple of weeks money has been going missing from inside the house. At first we were all thinking maybe it's been misplaced but around £300 has gone missing in about 3 weeks. Anyway, this morning £20 that was left on the side yesterday for my 19yo brother to take to football was missing. To cut a long story short my youngest brother (the 15yo) had taken it. Initially he said that he took it because he wanted money, then admitted it was because mum asked him for money.

Anyway, he has messages on his phone from her and there are tonnes of them. They are really awful. She is basically asking him to steal from us and when he is reluctant saying well obviously you don't care about me, I am going to get into trouble, you're a crap son. Then it looks like he has arranged to meet her (which he shouldn't do) and she then said if you don't bring at least x amount I am not coming.

Anyway, my eldest brother has hit the roof and basically taken everything with an internet connection away from my little brother and told him that he can't speak to her. He's now really upset, saying that mum is going to hate him for telling etc and he wants to speak to her and we are being awful.

I want to ring the police because is absolutely vile and I think she has basically used a vulnerable young person to her advantage.

So basically aibu for saying he can't talk to her and to call the police?

And I'm so sorry this is so long!

I don't think you can ban him from seeing his mother. It sounds like he is in a very hard place and is doing some terrible things as a result. I would actually speak to your mother and give her a warning. I think you can speak to the police about her encouraging him to steal from you. Maybe confiscate his phone for a little while to give him some space from her to realise that he is being manipulated? It's so hard and I'm sure someone else will be along to give you some better advice. Good luck though as it sounds horrible for you and your brothers.

I think either he, or a court, needs to decide if he can have contact or not, but absolutely he has NO excuse from stealing from you.

Yes, she's manipulating him, but hes the one who has been stealing, so calling the police could get him in to trouble. Especially if he doesn't have any mental health issues that limit his ability to know right from wrong etc.

Presumably as he was removed from their care he has a SW involved so I think I would speak to them and take the lead from that , I don't think an outright ban is the way to go as when he's 16 he can do as he pleases and the rest of you will just alienate him . SS should have an emergency number for weekends / oncall.

Does he have a support worker? They would be my first port of call. He also needs to grasp not only that a loving mother wouldn't ever ask him to do these things, if he continues he'll be in genuine trouble. I'd make it clear that stealing from you is stealing from the whole family, and it will not be tolerated, anymore and you will have to speak to the police.

I don't know how you can absolutely stop him talking to your mother, is there any way of putting a restraining order on her? It must be do emotionally confusing for the poor lad, but he has to realise how poisonous their relationship is. Is there any counselling services available to him?

Please do inform the police and Social a services if they are involved. This is an unusual and serious situation. Your little brother is very vulnerable-protecting him is the priority.

He needs help to deal with this woman who is obviously a manipulator and piling guilt on the poor lad left right and centre. I know it's his mum but that's not what a decent mother does and he obviously is trying to please her and she's playing him like a puppet. I would phone the police and see if you can get therapy for him so that when he's a bit older and can contact her when he wants to, he is at least more able to deal with the emotional blackmail.

I think he sounds too immature (I don't mean this in a malicious way) to be making decisions about contact for himself. Teens being teens he'd probably find a (potentially more dangerous) way to stay in contact if you ban it outright. He needs to know that you have his back & that it's not ok for anyone to be treating him that way, much less his mother. Social Services probably do need to get involved, but I think you should talk it through with him before you do anything so has some form of warning, support, & an input when it comes to the next steps to take.

I think harshly punishing your youngest brother is probably going a bit too far. He is 15 and was being emotionally manipulated. He is probably craving to be loved by his mother and wanting to please her. Yes it's wrong to steal - but the majority of the blame lies with your mother.

Who has responsibility for your younger brother? Is it you? Or one of your other brothers?

If face to contact is not allowed by social services then I am guessing they are still involved with the case? Does your brother still have contact with social services? A dedicated social worker? If so I would be contacting the oncall duty social worker for advice and getting a review of recent events early next week.

SS are presumably still involved? You need to talk to them, or a duty SW rather than the police but no, yanbu to not want him having any contact with her, you need to do it properly though as in his care order there will almost certainly be something about contact and you can't just decide to stop it because she has rights as his mother (even though it doesn't sound like she deserves any rights)

Poor kid, it's so easy for a teenager to minimise what they have been through and if he loves your mum and she's been playing on that he's probably really confused right now.

I'm guessing there is a social worker involved? Definitely inform them. Does she still have parental responsibility? Take advice from them, but the police may need to be involved. He is clearly vulnerable and being manipulated. Please reassure him. It must be really difficult for a young person who is being told by a parent to steal. You may need to have this on the official record for the future.