I know I am being unreasonable but I don't know how to stop being

[DontTouchTheMoustache]

Ok it's my friends wedding in a few months time, I will be bridesmaid. My ex will be there as he knows the groom. We dated for 7 years so my most long term and significant relationship really. He tried me quite badly at the end, not abusive but he was addicted to drugs and clearly didn't care very much about me, he wpuld go out and not come home all weekend and not answer his phone. He wpuld leave me sat waiting for dates all dressed up and just not turn up cos he was doing drugs instead. My friends don't know quite how badly it affected me or the counselling I've had because he made me feel so wprthless. I've accepted he will be at the wedding, but I've just found out he has a plus one and so will be bringing his new girlfriend. I told the bride that I'm really going to struggle with this but she said he has already been offered it.
I am just not ready to meet his new gf, especially at a wedding. I'm really not over it all and I have been having nightmares about meeting her. I know I'm being a grade A tosser because it is my issue. I worked a lot on my social anxiety after a bad thing happened to me while I had PND and was having a lot panic attacks but it was all under the period I had depression, hormones and was taking anti depressants so I don't really remember how to cope.
I really want to tell my friend that I can't go to the wedding but I know this is hugely unreasonable and unfair on her and it's probably the initial shock making me feel that way but honestly I feel sick and can't stop crying please please can people offer me some advice on how to deal with this as I really don't feel string enough to

Unfortunately you only have two options. One is to not go to the wedding; the other is to grit your teeth and avoid him as much as possible. Sadly there is no magic third option.

One thing to remember as that, as a bridesmaid, you'll be pretty busy all day, and will presumably be at the top table away from him. Unless it's a very small wedding the chances are it won't be too difficult to avoid him.

I do hope you manage to get through the day. I'm sure it won't be easy, but you have to put your friend first.

How long ago did you you break up? And do you have a plus one?

It sounds like you are much better off without a tosser like that in your life, but I realise you are struggling to feel that way.

I'm not sure I have much advice, but for the love of god don't drink too much! Maybe try to focus on your duties at the wedding, be busy, offer to do things so you aren't standing around feeling awkward.

It's a few months away, so for the moment focus on your counselling.
Remember, just like you put up a front and his the bulk of the bad, they will be doing the same. What they present is not always the truth.
Take time for yourself over the next few months and after. If you are bridesmaid, concentrate on getting through the meal, you can disappear after. Ask if you can take a plus one for support too.

Hid not his!

Poor you
I completely understand how you feel. If I can try and reassure you -weddings are so busy (especially for the main wedding party) that they should be fairly easy to avoid/ignore. Can you ask to be seated away from them during the breakfast? Then spend your time having fun, dancing etc and just pretend they are not there?
I went to a family wedding once and a girl I utterly detest turned up as a plus one. We really do not get on at all-she is a bully and didn't like it that I stood up to her. Anyway, a was absolutely fine, in fact I barely saw her. I spent time with people I liked, had a great laugh and blanked her from my mind. Concentrate on your role as BM and make it about your friend. Have you got good friends going along?

You could potentially contact him directly and ask if he'd consider not bringing her? It sounds like a difficult end to a relationship and you don't mention how long ago it was. You could just explain very light touch that you've had a hard time with the break up and you'd find this very tough. 7 yrs is a long time, he may be sorry enough about the way it ended that he agrees to do you this favour. You don't get if you don't ask. It doesnt seem inreasonable.

He was a crap boyfriend to you and he is probably to her too. Go there with the attitude thatcyour had the lucky escape and you are the fortunate one. Keep you head up and prove to yourself and others that you can have fun with him around.

For all you know you'll look at them and think: how did I ever found him attractive!

I've been offered a plus one so I might take a friend for support, that's a good idea. It was a few years ago we broke up but I spent most of the time after I broke up with him apologising and feeling guilty (gave him my t.v. to try and make him feel better which I know sounds insane now). He continued to treat me like crap and refused to speak to me apart from turning up at nine in the middle of the night off his face.
I don't have any feelings for him not but tbh I think I've only really started to get over it and it only really occurred to me recently that he didn't love me and I think that's why it's hitting me so hard now for some reason. I feel like a total failure as I had a rebound relationship that didn't work out and I'm now a single mum so seeing him with a new partner I will feel humiliated and in my head imagine they are just laughing at me (again I know this is insane and my own anxiety)

Good lord... Do not contact him OP... he will then be alerted to the Issue.. whereas only you know how You feel about all this...

Get your Big Girl Pants on... and smile your way through this day... his Girlfriend will be the underdog in this situation.. you know everyone and your a Bridesmaid lovely.. please do not let this horrid man ruin your and your friends special day...

but please.. do not contact him either... he is your past now .. look forward and see this as a way of closing the door... you will look spectacular too

Why feel humiliated? You're shot of him. It's much more admirable to be a single mother than to be shackled to a drug-addled loser. He's no prize. Feel sorry for his next victim, she won't have it any easier than you as selfish people don't change.
Do NOT contact him under any circumstances.
You have a role to play at the wedding, enjoy the day and just ignore them. You don't owe them any polite small talk after the way he treated you and you don't know her.
I think you're overthinking this. You'll be swept along with the day and they will probably get bladdered and leave early.

That's actually one thing I was going to ask, whether or not i should ask him not to bring her but that is a good point Gemini if I do that I definitely can't brazen it out and pretend I don't care and tbh I doubt he would not bring her he would just have the satisfaction of knowing I was affected.

Beadieeye ... well said

Thank you all for your advice and hand hold. I've calmed down a bit now (and stopped shaking...thats how pathetic I am).
You are absolutely right beadieye that there is nothing wrong with being a single mum. I just know that I made a lot of bad choices because I was not in a good place and he now has his career and his new partner and everything is going great for him whereas I fell apart and I'm barely getting by and it makes me feel very weak and stupid in comparison. I have a lot of regrets over the past few years and I hate how badly it all effected my mental health. I need to learn to cope with it because if I don't go I will probably lose my friendship with the bride which is absolutely not worth it.