AIBU to think when you look like you've given up there's no way back?

[Dumbo412]

Just that really. I'm still fairly young, mid 20s, but being bigger means I dress a bit more conservatively. I've been aware that I look like I've given up, but I've seriously realised how bad it is recently.
I haven't had my brows done since June 2015! I tend to colour my hair every six months, I get a cut at around the same time, my legs get shaved if I'm wearing a dress and I don't know the last time I had a pedicure, and I shove whatever food/drink I want in my body so I've managed to put on shed loads of weight too.

I got into a conversation about similar with women yesterday... one of which just didn't understand how my husband is still around!

To be fair I did look in the mirror yesterday and realised I legitimately have no idea what my clothes look like on me- not when I buy them, not when I put them on, not when I leave the house.

Does anyone ever get out of this rut? I used to be pretty: I used to care about what I looked like, I feel like I may just be doomed to keep going back to the unkempt person I've become.

Has anyone made it out of this kind of situation?

Me. I'm the fattest iv ever been but decided I'm going to be a groomed fatty. I went and got my eyebrows done, haircut and most importantly got some.new clothes.

I love scarlet and jo dresses. Intend to wear dresses as they make me feel less fat and I feel pretty.

I'm sorry but that woman was a fucking bitch to say such a thing.

Having eyebrows ripped out, dying hair and having pedicures are all things women think they ought to have done but they don't really. Don't worry about those.

Weight gain is a different issue entirely. Are you a healthy weight or obese?

I agree that woman was an absolute cow. I hope she's not someone you consider a friend as she doesn't act like one.

Stuff like dying your hair and getting your eyebrows done only matter if it matters to you. It is absolutely fine if it does or it doesn't. What I've found is that it does matter to me and when I don't do it I am neglecting my own choices of self care. Lots of others who genuinely don't care are not neglecting anything, just living life. So if you care then yes you'll feel better if you take some steps to take care of yourself in the ways that work for you.

I've been in a horrible MH slump and am climbing out of it and some of that is getting my eyebrows and nails done, caring more about my clothes (still all cheap but chosen with thought) etc. It helps.

Whoever said that to you though is categorically not a friend.

You can always bounce back from a situation if you put your mind to it. People show amazing resilience and good on them!

However, I wouldn't give a shit about the opinion of the woman who so kindly (not) offered it.

I am groomed fatty too.

I realised that being overweight was no excuse for having inch long roots, legs that would shame King Kong and never wearing make up because "whats the point?"

Losing weight is a long term goal but I can look in the mirror and feel better immediately by taking care of myself.

It was so easy to slip into the "I am fat so why bother trying" attitude, I do get it and my heart goes out to you. I have stood where you are standing. I started with small things, like making sure I put on mascara every day, its make such a difference to how you look. Then adding some lip stain. Now I wear a quick foundation (from No 7 in a compact, cant remember what its called but its really quick to apply with the sponge and is good coverage) mascara and No 7 stay and perfect (I think its called) lip stuff....colour at one end, gloss at the other. The colour stays put all day so you dont have to worry about it.

I have long hair so now I sleep with it put up in the hair band method of curling as it gives it real lift and makes me feel great. Very little effort but makes such a difference.

xx

Having eyebrows ripped out, dying hair and having pedicures are all things women think they ought to have done but they don't really

They do to me! I dont like my natural hair colour as it is mousey brown, non descript and doesnt suit me. My chosen red suits me and me complexion much more and I much prefer seeing that in the mirror. Same with my Dennis Healeys. If I dont keep my eyebrows neat then they have a tendency to take over. But for a while I gave up so when I looked in the mirrorI didnt just see a body that needed work but face and hair that looked like shit too.

When I am groomed I feel far more positive about dealing with my excess weight (I am 5' 6" and a size 18 btw, so you judge about how healthy I am!).

Hi OP. First of all I would keep away from the woman who said that about your husband. She doesn't want the best for you. Is she meant to be a friend?

If keeping your eyebrow, nail and hair appointments makes you feel better then do that. It's about want rather than need with makeup and enhancements. I don't think there's much point in you ending up down a rabbit hole on your own thread defending your choices.

I look a million times better with my brows done. It knocks about 5 years off and has a bizarre lifting effect. On the most awful of days that can give me a boost.

Do you have any insight into why you might have gained more weight? As in do you choose particular foods and amounts of food when you're feeling a particular way? Happy, sad, worried etc. There might be a pattern.

I know what you mean OP.

I used to be pretty too. And slim and stylish. I used to fucking care.

Now I look in the mirror and I don't recognise the person I see. It makes me cry.

But I'm going on a mission to change all that. Lose weight, smarten up, look after no 1.

This time next year I'm going to be the best I've ever been. Inside and out.

Do you want to look groomed?

What that woman thinks is not relevant. She is a bitch.

If you want ro smchange how you look start with small things. Something like making sure you get your eyebrows dont once a month.

Or decide how often you would need to get your hair done to feel groomed and book in the next few appointments.

If you want to lose weight. Make a small change, each week.

There is a way back. But only do it because you want to do it.

This stuff is really important to me. But right now, I have a toddler and a newborn who is like velcro and doesn't nap in the day. DH works full time and the house is on its arse. We are both so tired we can barely speak to each other.

I am so stretched for time that I bath with my two year old to get my hair washed each day (it's good fun but I can't shave my legs etc). I look awful and it's really getting me down.

It's easy to let things slide once you're not happy about something - that ah, what does the rest of it matter, it's like caring for flowerbeds around a nuclear reactor...
But you don't sound too happy with it? If your weight is at unhealthy levels, maybe try to lose a bit and see if it changes how you feel about yourself?

Roz I bathe with my 2 year old too! DP chucks me the 9 week old too for a quick dip them me and toddler finish up while he dresses the baby. Glamorous huh.

I was wearing leggings and a long top pretty much everyday after my baby was born and I felt like I looked fine. I knew I wasn't making an effort and I'm overweight also but thought it was fine. Then the other day I got dressed and suddenly felt like I was wearing pyjamas. I felt really embarrassed like I had actually been going round in pyjamas. So I went out yesterday got some lovely soft high waist jeans (less muffin top!) from New Look (£25 I think, normal ones go to a size 18 but the curves range has the exact same jeans - Yazmin skinny - to higher sizes) which has opened up my wardrobe. I also have started getting my eyebrows waxed. Takes 10 mins and costs £8 and totally changes my face. Worth it.

I've realised I won't ever feel like I'm worth putting the effort in to lose weight if I don't take pride in my appearance. I've been waiting to lose weight to make an effort because 'what's the point' when in fact it needs to be the other way round, I need to feel better about myself first.

Don't do anything you don't want to. For me so far just having better clothes, washed neat hair and nice eyebrows does the trick for now.

Also eat low carb high fat. Life changing.

I've never had pedicures or had my eyebrows done. There's a whole industry of such things to make women feel like they've given up if they're not constantly paying to change their appearance. As PP says, do it if it makes you happy but don't feel like a failure if you don't. It's the most basic thing in the world that your DH loves you for who you really are inside, and probably doesn't give a stuff about pedicures and the like.

I'd separate the healthy and 'beauty' sides though. Stuffing yourself the way you describe has an undertow of unhappiness, dissatisfaction and is going to make you feel worse longer term. If you want to make a change, that's area to work on. Maybe with some exercise or cooking yourself some better meals. Be nice to yourself rather than the extremes of denial or over-indulging. You're still very young and there's never any definitive 'giving up' anyway. We develop all the time with all of life's ups and downs.

Do men have to have their eyebrows done, colour their hair regularly and have pedicures in order not to deserve to be dumped by their partner? Well neither do you. I've never had a pedicure, don't colour my hair and don't have my eyebrows done and oddly enough I look perfectly acceptable as a normal, non-unkempt human female. As long as you are clean, and dressed in clean, appropriate clothes, you are not 'shabby'.

Obviously it's fine to spend time, effort and money on personal grooming if you enjoy it, but it's ridiculous that women in this day and age still accept the huuuuge difference in what's expected of men and women in this area.

Do men have to have their eyebrows done, colour their hair regularly and have pedicures in order not to deserve to be dumped by their partner?

No, they sit and fart on the sofa and expect us to lap it up.

'Stuff like dying your hair and getting your eyebrows done only matter if it matters to you. It is absolutely fine if it does or it doesn't. What I've found is that it does matter to me and when I don't do it I am neglecting my own choices of self care. Lots of others who genuinely don't care are not neglecting anything, just living life. So if you care then yes you'll feel better if you take some steps to take care of yourself in the ways that work for you.'

Completely agree with this.

Are you unhappy? Do you feel sad that you no longer put the effort into beautifying yourself or are you comfortable in your own skin and just CBA with conforming? Because, if it is the latter you need not change a thing. If it's the former, book yourself into the hairdressers. Join an exercise class or, like me, weight watchers online and start celebrating you.

Before people turn up to lecture you, let me start by saying I don't think there's anything wrong with caring about your appearance. But I think your friend - if we have to call her that - is confusing 'looking good' and 'looking groomed'.

That's not to say 'groomed' cannot look good (although personally I think it's often overdone) but it's just a look: a very specific, very high maintenance look which seems to have taken hold and which is being enthusiastically pushed by the beauty industry for obvious reasons.

I'm exceedingly vain and I love my clothes and I do get my hair cut regularly but I find most of the other stuff on this so-called essential list tedious as fuck. I've never had my brows done or had a manicure or pedicure or fake tan but I think most people who know me would be highly amused at the idea that I've let myself go.

So to (finally) answer your question, I think if I was in your situation, I would start an exercise and healthy eating regime but also get a couple of quick fixes to give me an instant lift. For me, that would revolve around nice, interesting clothes, maybe a change of style. I would work out what would have the same effect on you and crack on. Good luck.

The best thing I've done for my body in ages was start the C25k running programme & it's good for your mental health too. Is that something that might work for you, OP?