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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To trust my gut instincts

36 replies

JayneAusten · 27/08/2017 00:09

I have an eight year old daughter. I don't like one of her friends' dads. I have absolutely no reason for disliking him except that he gives me the creeps. I don't know why, and there is no specific evidence that I can pinpoint at all in the slightest. My daughter has been in his care once. The mum arranged a playdate and didn't tell me it would be the dad looking after them so I was slightly taken aback and checked in with my daughter that all had been ok with this man (a stranger to her) and I'm confident that all was fine. So I genuinely have no reason but my gut instinct tells me to keep my daughter away from him, to the extent that I am slightly standing in the way of her friendship with his daughter by refusing invites in case the dad is there and not the mum again.

What do you think - trust your gut or tell your gut to stop being stupid, you have no evidence and you can't go around judging people just because something about their manner makes you feel uncomfortable, but you can't pinpoint what?

OP posts:
MissAlabamaWhitman · 27/08/2017 00:14

Not, you trust your gut where your child is concerned.

You don't need evidence, he isn't automatically allowed access to your daughter by virtue of being her friend's Dad.

Stick to your guns.

Graphista · 27/08/2017 00:16

Trust your gut!

I have learnt this the hard way in so many situations.

Also as a survivor of csa it's not worth potential consequences in my opinion.

MrsJamesAspey · 27/08/2017 00:20

Trust your instincts but don't stop the friendship, just don't let your dd go there, always offer to have her friend at yours instead. I've done this with dds friend where I didn't trust the mum not to bugger off to the pub and leave them home alone.

blankface · 27/08/2017 00:26

We have instincts for a reason, trust yours Flowers

BackieJerkhart · 27/08/2017 00:29

Always trust your gut. I had a similar creepy feeling about a neighbour years ago and just couldn't pinpoint what it was. Well a few years later and I was most definitely right not to allow him near my child.

Nettynet12 · 27/08/2017 00:29

Trust your gut. Even if it's wrong it will play on you mind anyway so just do what makes you comfortable.

MoonfaceAndSilky · 27/08/2017 00:30

Yep, always trust your instincts, 100%

Timefortea99 · 27/08/2017 00:41

Yes, trust your gut. Even if you are wrong you are trying to do right by your child.

user1500161471 · 27/08/2017 00:57

Trust your gut. I would much rather be wrong than be right in this situation but why let yourself find out

Original poster
JayneAusten · 29/08/2017 19:15

Thank you - I thought you were all going to say I was being unreasonable and should stop feeling like I was psychic or something. I really don't. I just.... don't like this guy.

I'll do what you suggest and have his daughter round to ours instead. It's just a little awkward to refuse return invitations. Also, a few times now when I've seen him out in town with his daughter he's sprung invitations on me, like, 'Does your DD want to come back to ours now for a play?' then both girls are excited and then I have to make an excuse and feel like an obvious liar and like I'm disappointing them for maybe no good reason. I now actively try to avoid him for this reason. I think maybe he's just socially inept or struggles to entertain his child without having a friend round but I just. don't. like. him.

OP posts:
MrsMotherHen · 29/08/2017 19:18

yep another one here who agrees always trust your gut feeling.

Questioningeverything · 29/08/2017 19:18

Trust your gut!

I didn't trust that my sister was safe with our dad (divorced parents) when she went to live with him. I kept questioning it, something didn't feel right.

He's now been convicted of child sex crimes.

Chocolatecoveredpeanuts · 29/08/2017 19:19

I'm not saying this bloke is the same, but echoing what others have said- instinct is there for a reason

Pengggwn · 29/08/2017 19:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TheRealBiscuitAddict · 29/08/2017 19:23

Can't believe the responses on this thread. Trust your gut - over what exactly? What has this man done to make you not like him/. And questioning your child when she came back and not wanting her to be in his care?

For every person who says "I trusted my instincts and I was right," there will be a thousand who followed an instinct and nothing happened. How happy would you be to know that you gave another mum the creeps to the extent she stood in the way of friendships between your children for no other reason that she had an "instinct"?

TheRealBiscuitAddict · 29/08/2017 19:25

I have a gut feeling I'm going to win the lottery tonight. So I've re-mortgaged the house to spend the money on tickets so I can have the £15m jackpot. We should always trust our gut after all.

SheGotOffThePlane · 29/08/2017 19:28

I would stick to your guns op. It might turn out to be nothing, but I wouldn't want to take that chance.
I met a couple when we had a dc within days of each other. The husband in particular was always talking about having my dc over to stay, even when he was a little tot. It just seemed really strange to ask every single time we met (which was something like once a week or fortnight, we weren't close friends)

Now I still know him now, a few years on and he seems fine and friendly still, but I never let my DC sleep over there. Maybe I was overreacting, but you never know.

Graphista · 29/08/2017 19:43

I think most reasonable people understand that 'trusting your Gut' refers to that inner voice that has interpreted body language, subtle linguistic cues, even subtle changes in a persons scent. There's been a number of studies on this. In addition those that train the police, military, bodyguards etc have taken those studies into account as part of their research and advise people working in these areas to trust their instincts they are usually right.

Dr Paul Ekman (the inspiration for 'lie to me') subscribes to this view, that young children in particular who haven't yet learned diplomacy and tact as social responses, if they don't like someone they're responding to what their brain has interpreted of a persons facial expressions, body language, scent, mannerisms, linguistic choices etc

It's also partly why those working in child protection strongly encourage the advice of not making children be physically affectionate or being left alone with people they don't like.

As I say as a csa survivor I think this is important knowledge. When I first disclosed my experiences to professionals I was shocked (not having the knowledge then) to learn that many victims feel that instinct that someone isn't behaving correctly but are socially conditioned to 'not be rude' 'not be ridiculous they'd never hurt you, their your dad/grandad/uncle they love you'. This is almost exactly what happened with me.

SweetLuck · 29/08/2017 19:50

So long as you're not the type to see a peado round every corner, I think it's fine to trust your gut. Of course it isn't actually your gut speaking, don't be so literal TheRealBiscut. The feeling that we experience in our gut is fear, and it comes from interpreting all sorts of subtle clues and body language that our conscious brains can't articulate.

Trb17 · 29/08/2017 19:56

Always trust your instincts when it comes to your child.

There's no reason to ignore your instincts as your child has no obligation to spend any time with this man. It's not as if he's family where you might feel more awkward. He's a stranger and you certainly don't owe him anything.

For whatever reason, your brain/instincts are telling you to be wary. If you're wrong, so what?... nothing happens if you're wrong. But if you're right and you ignore it...

Pengggwn · 29/08/2017 19:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Aquamarine1029 · 29/08/2017 19:59

Always trust your instincts. Your intuition is trying to tell you something, so listen. Ignore anyone who says you're being silly and unreasonable.

DrizzleHair · 29/08/2017 23:21

Fully agree to trust your gut for the reasons Graphista outlined so clearly

thickgit · 30/08/2017 02:38

Yep, most definitely follow your instinct. You don't have to justify it to anybody. I have exactly the same, although with a little more reason, with somebody I know. My children will never be alone with him.

Pallisers · 30/08/2017 02:46

It isn't remotely like mortgaging your house to play the lottery.

What's the worst that can happen - your dd misses going to a house because your gut was wrong - how bad?

I wouldn't let my 8 year old go anywhere I wasn't 100 per cent happy for her to be. the kids can play in the park or at the OP's house. So what if the OP is incorrect in her gut. It is phenomenal how woman are cultured to ignore their feelings for fear they will offend someone.