I don't think I am, but I'm betting someone will be along shortly to tell me I am!
The players: me and my roommate.
The scene: We're both sitting on the couch, watching GoT, and having a few drinks. We're neither of us drunk, just tipsy. He decides to switch from bourbon and coke to raspberry lemonade.
Him: Here, have some of this.
Me: No, thanks.
Him: Ah, go on. Have some.
Me: Thanks, but seriously, no.
Him: Just have a little bit. A mouthful.
Me: Dude, no!
Him: Just have a taste!
Me: For fuck's sake, I said no! No means no!
At this point I got up and left. He spent the rest of the night pouting, because he thinks this is about a mouthful of raspberry lemonade. I spent the rest of the night fuming, because to me, it's about saying no politely and clearly and having that ignored.
Just so I'm not drip feeding, this isn't the first instance of its sort in our history (we've lived together over ten years). One that stands out in my mind was when we were both joking around in the kitchen, and he blocked me in a corner so I couldn't get out (still joking, still laughing). I panicked, because I have issues around being trapped like that. He couldn't understand why I went from laughing to screaming in the space of thirty seconds, so when I'd calmed down I explained to him that he'd really scared me.
Him: But you know I'd never hurt you!
Me: But you're much bigger and much stronger than me, and the second you decide to hurt/trap me, there is literally less than nothing I can do about it. Can you see how that's so incredibly scary for me?
Him: You know me. You know I'm not like that.
Me: When people panic, it doesn't matter what they know. They're acting on instinct and fear, and you made me frightened!
After that, he kind of "got it" and he's never done it since - I actually see him being really careful not to do it. So I think the issue is not that he's malicious, but rather that he's unaware how he can come across. So my issue this time is that he's not "getting it" that it's not about the stupid raspberry lemonade, it's about me needing to be able to say no and having it respected. He thinks I'm making a fuss over being offered a drink, and the reality is, I'm upset because if this is how hard he pushes a mouthful of bloody raspberry lemonade, how hard will he push something that actually matters? How trivial and ineffectual will my "no" be rendered when the context is higher stakes than raspberry lemonade?
A few notes:
- In the past when something like this has happened, he's listened to my explanation and assimilated the information and modified his behavior accordingly
- I don't make a fuss like this over everything, just the important things - such as my boundaries being disrespected
- I have done my best to explain things calmly, just as in the other situations (just want to make that clear so I don't get a bunch of people telling me to "just sit down and explain it to him" - that will be this thread's "cancel the check"!)
- He is not abusive, he's not cruel, he's not any of those things. I've read The Gift of Fear, and I'm savvy about red flags. There are none here. He's just... thoughtless sometimes.
I can remember a couple of weeks ago there was a thread about a boy who refused a sandwich several times and the old lady wouldn't stop asking, so the young boy lost his temper. He was pasted by a large number of people for being a poorly behaved child. I'm the boy here, and my roommate is the elderly lady. I posted on that thread supporting the boy because I know how he feels (no means no, no matter who is asking, and no matter what they're offering).