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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not to let her in?

52 replies

NormaDesmondsEyebrows · 26/08/2017 11:53

This is probably a bit outing but IDGAF really.

A few weeks ago one of my neighbours came for coffee. We were chatting about upcoming holidays and she asked who was feeding our cat. I said my ILs were and she said, oh don't be silly, I'll do it.

Now, she does have form for being a bit of a flake so in the run up I checked, double checked and triple checked she was still ok to do it. I saw her two days before we went and she said she'd pop round and get the key and I could show her where all the stuff is.

The next day I sent her a text to say we were in if she wanted to pop over. Radio silence. I called, no answer.

So then we had to ask the ILs to step in, which they were fine to do, but it meant another trip out to give them the keys and was all a bit of a faff.

(I'm getting to the point, I promise).

I posted holiday photos on FB while we were away and she 'liked' them.

She has been active on our neighbourhood group chat. Not one word has been said.

Dh wants me to just forget it as he doesn't want neighbour drama. I'd love to give her both barrels.

ANYWAY. It is our annual garden party today (not as wanky as it sounds, just an opportunity to get all our various friends together). She was invited weeks ago.

If she turns up I am so so tempted to tell her to do one. The only issue is that she will have her five kids in tow. I might let them come, the older ones anyway, and tell her she's not welcome.

WIBU? And can you think of a suitably cutting way to say it that gets my point across?

OP posts:
user1493413286 · 26/08/2017 12:56

I would let her in as otherwise you'll look the bad guy (even though she did wrong) but I'd pointedly ask what happened and why she let you down as it's not on for her to make promises and then let you down.

BrainSaysNo · 26/08/2017 12:58

What happens at your annual garden party?
Sounds dead posh, hope the weather is nice for you all.

AnnieAnoniMouse · 26/08/2017 13:01

If she turns up I'd just say 'Oh hello, I didn't expect to see you?, What happened to feeding the cat? Thank god the inlaws could step in or our holiday would have had to be cancelled. . But do come in'. Hmm. See if she says anything innthe .

Then if she ever volunteers to do anything again just say 'No thank you, I need people I can rely on'.

saoirse31 · 26/08/2017 13:01

Oh op, it could have been a 'cat'astrophe... Grin

Really think u are so massively over reacting that I'm assuming you're under a lot of stress otherwise ...

Viviennemary · 26/08/2017 13:02

It's the Queen trying to find an excuse to ban Fergie.

fannydaggerz · 26/08/2017 13:11

I wouldn't say anything, if she mentions it, you could bring it up. If she offers again, say no.

FizzyGreenWater · 26/08/2017 13:20

If she turns up I'd just say 'Oh hello, I didn't expect to see you?, What happened to feeding the cat? Thank god the inlaws could step in or our holiday would have had to be cancelled. . But do come in'. hmm. See if she says anything innthe .

  • that. With a very surprised and slightly frowning face. And REALLY long pauses (pawses)
Original poster
NormaDesmondsEyebrows · 26/08/2017 13:22

Grin @ being The Queen.

It's really not that posh, we have loads of mates that we only see infrequently due to busy lives/distance and we are fairly central location wise for the group (mainly DH's long term friends from school). This is the tenth year we've done it so it has become the 'Annual Garden Party'.

Weather is scorchio. Hurrah!

OP posts:
SapphireStrange · 26/08/2017 13:22

'Oh hello, I didn't expect to see you?, What happened to feeding the cat

I'd say this too.

But I do wonder if she's going to turn up at all.

Original poster
NormaDesmondsEyebrows · 26/08/2017 13:23

And I honestly don't think I'm overreacting. For all she knew we would have been left in the lurch and would have had to cancel the holiday.

OP posts:
LovingLola · 26/08/2017 13:24

Does she still have your key?

Original poster
NormaDesmondsEyebrows · 26/08/2017 13:25

No, she never turned up to get it.

OP posts:
Stinkycleanhouse · 26/08/2017 13:28

She sounds very rude and I wouldn't welcome her in!
I would have to ask her though why she let you down!

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 26/08/2017 13:29

I don't think I'd make a thing of it at your party, just let her in if she shows up.

But I'd certainly resist any future interaction.

littlemisssweetness · 26/08/2017 13:43

@kali110 she's already been invited before the cat incident happened..

I'd probably let her in if the children are there, I wouldn't say only the children can come as that's likely to cause even more issues

MoonfaceAndSilky · 26/08/2017 13:46

What a load of fuss over nothing

Nothing? This woman let op down a day before the holiday, what if ILs weren't able to feed the cat? There's flaky and there's downright rude and she must've remembered she was meant to do it otherwise why ignore op's calls? Can't stand unreliable people.

Enjoy your garden party, op Cake Wine

GuardianLions · 26/08/2017 13:51

People are rarely flakey without a root cause. I'd say either she has a mild learning disability, or she is 'just about' coping with her five kids and forgets things that aren't immediately in her face requiring attention (such as five kids), or she is a bit screwed up from having a chaotic upbringing and wasn't given the childhood foundation to be self-disciplined and reliable, or she's a stoner, or some/all of the above.

I don't think it means she is a horrible person for being unreliable. But if it is really bothering you and would spoil your day to keep quiet. Just be up front and say - "I want to be upfront with you - I felt really disappointed and let down about the cats - it really put me out and I can't let it go without saying something" - and see what she says.

Additionally - don't accept offers of help from her again.

BackforGood · 26/08/2017 13:56

Good grief. No wonder so many poster on MN say they don't have any friends. What a complete over-reaction to cut of the friendship or be rude or embarrass her in front of others.
You now know that whereas her intentions might be good, she's not really reliable enough to organise herself into doing something when needed. Learn from that and don't ask her again. No reason to stop speaking or stop inviting her or stop being friends.

grandOlejukeofYork · 26/08/2017 13:58

It's not really an over reaction. It's not a small thing, saying you will take care of living animals for someone, and then just bailing at the last minute. It could have caused huge issues and/or huge expense for OP, neighbour doesn't know that it didn't.

I think perhaps you are not paying attention to the actual thing she failed to do. It's not like failing to return a book or cancelling a night out. It's a Big Thing.

GuardianLions · 26/08/2017 14:05

Well I'm of the thinking that nobody is perfect. The flakey friend might be the same friend that is amazing to talk to when you have a problem, the highly reliable friend might be tactless and insensitive when you are down, the friend who is the life and soul of the party might go completely offline for months at a time - etc, etc..

MoonfaceAndSilky · 26/08/2017 14:42

Well then that friend shouldn't have offered in the first place!

Ttbb · 26/08/2017 14:58

If you don't let get in it would only reflect badly on you. Let her in but just keep interaction to s minimum through the party and don't talk to her afterwards.

kali110 · 26/08/2017 16:57

Good grief. No wonder so many poster on MN say they don't have any friends. What a complete over-reaction to cut of the friendship or be rude or embarrass her in front of others.
Oh yes, what an overreaction op could have been left without anyone to feed her cats, but oh no what an overreaction Hmm
Nope, i wouldn't let her in, thankgod you had your inlaws!

mummmy2017 · 26/08/2017 17:04

Don't react, don't comment, you have to live nextdoor to her, so your far better off being the bigger woman.
If she does say sorry or she forgot, just say it's ok.
BUT NEXT TIME.
you can say, oh it's so kind of you to offer, but you forgot me last time so I don't want to ruin things by there being any unpleasantness.

AprilLady4 · 26/08/2017 19:49

Wine WineWine