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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think my dh is selfish

48 replies

ElephantsYeah · 26/08/2017 10:46

For never doing anything with or for our ds unless it's been negotiated. For example I asked him to take ds to the shop this morning so I could have a shower in peace and he said "ok, but you have do his nappy and dress him". It's actually easier just to do everything myself but I don't think that's a good message for my ds. I don't know what to do because if I mention anything about this he makes me feel unreasonable.

OP posts:

Original poster

ElephantsYeah · 26/08/2017 13:00

Well he's taken ds out. I had to pack the nappy bag, and snack box though or he'd have left without them. I honestly don't know what to do about it. I feel as though he's just a passenger in this partnership. I want an equal not an appointment extra child.

OP posts:

Original poster

ElephantsYeah · 26/08/2017 13:01

Don't know where that appointment got in. Pesky kindle and its over enthusiastic autocorrect.

OP posts:

House2home · 26/08/2017 13:04

If I could give you one piece of advice op it would be to stop asking and start doing.
I always used to ask dh if he would mind doing xyz with the kids, basically giving him the option to say no. We got in a vicious circle and it nearly ended us.

Gradually I've learnt to say "I'm popping out now, see you later!" And he just has to deal with it, as I do when he goes out. Make it equal.

House2home · 26/08/2017 13:05

Let him go out without the nappy bag! He's a parent, he needs to learn how to be one c

Elledouble · 26/08/2017 13:06

Elephants I get it. My other half is a lot better than he was but I still find myself getting home, doing the washing, cooking the tea, washing up while he sits and watches telly with our son. And then if my son starts screaming for me while my partner is getting him ready for bed (which he does a lot, he's going through a clingy stage and my partner can't cope) then I have to go and do all of that too. I'm so tired.

user1497435493 · 26/08/2017 13:17

Sounds like someone said earlier, that he may think this is co-parenting. Not all men know how to parent, and they won't if the wife doesn't say anything. Try talking to him OP.

This is very 'typical man' though, and as I said if men aren't shown or encouraged how to behave differently, they will always behave like this.

The 'I've done the washing up for you!' Or 'I have saved you a job; I've taken the bins out!' is classic man stuff!

Another thing that reeeealy pissed me off (and DH used to do this...)

I would spend every night doing dinner, and he would pop in half way to get the drinks and knives and forks, and saw this as 'helping me with dinner!'

I thought 'if you want to HELP, then spend one and a half hours every night cooking dinner and washing up the pots and pans after!' Because popping in to get the knives and forks and drinks is not 'helping me.' All it did was hinder me because he got underfoot, as he stayed to 'chat!'

Many men leave the 'child rearing' to the woman, and think they are doing her a bloody favour if they have the kids for the night. Also, many things are left to the woman; clothes shopping with the kids, going to concerts or shows with them, taking them to their hobby groups (and generally running them around,) doing activities with them in the house, going to sort school stuff out, using holiday leave from work to be with them if they are ill or off school for something else...etc etc... Then the men wonder why the kids are much closer to mum when they grow up.

FizzyGreenWater · 26/08/2017 13:18

Pick your moment and say cheerfully to no-one in particular, when he is there:

'Do you know, if there's one advantage to being the person who does all the shitwork, it's that when you're used to running everything yourself you know for a fact that if you decide to go it alone, you'll be fine! I mean, I quite like you and all, but it feels great to know that I get so little from you in practical terms that you really are an optional extra. I don't need you in our lives one bit. Sucks for you though I guess, knowing that you're just not part of the team and the second I can't be arsed any more, we'll be off and we'll do fine. Whereas I gues you would be one one BITCH of a learning curve! Still, your choice to be a passenger, I suppose.'

AmyGardner · 26/08/2017 13:19

Urgh my best friends husband is like this. Like everything he does is such a big fucking favour from the goodness of his heart.

Tell him to fuck off with his attitude and just parent.

Original poster

ElephantsYeah · 26/08/2017 14:05

I've said that fuzzy. Many many times. I'm just so tired of it all.

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MachineBee · 26/08/2017 14:24

Right then. Stop doing stuff for him. Leave him to work it out for himself. Forgetting to check the changing bag is full with necessary will leave HIM with a problem while HE's out.

Then stop moaning at him. If you've been saying things many, many times he'll have learned how to zone it out.

You given him the advice. He chose to ignore it. Leave to work it out for himself.

If you became ill he'd have to work it out wouldn't he?

Mittens1969 · 26/08/2017 14:28

That does sound frustrating, OP. What my DH used to do was forever ask what he should do re getting them dressed. Now I've given up where that's concerned and just get clothes out for him if I need to do some shopping.

With meals he used to ask what he should do? I used to say, look in the fridge and freezer and decide yourself! I used to think I may as well do it myself! He is getting better thankfully.

He does better when I'm not there sometimes, your DH would too, I suspect.

DamnDeDoubtanceIsSpartacus · 26/08/2017 16:27

Things will only change if you change them, he obviously has no interest in parenting equally. Talk, tell him that he needs to change or it will become an issue in the marriage, let him know how serious this is.

Does he pull his weight around the house?

Ttbb · 26/08/2017 16:30

It almost s end as of te doesn't realise that he is also responsible for your child.

SometimesMaybe · 26/08/2017 16:35

Well you need to let him take DC out without the bag and then deal with the crap that is a toddler without their "stuff".

When the DC were small we used to have a "day" each in charge at the weekend. So on his "day" DH was in charge of the bag, lunch snacks, making sure we were going on time etc etc (the other person would still change a nappy, make a
Drink etc) but it meant that I felt like I had a day when I wasn't "in charge" and could properly relax. DH only forgot the sun hat/bottles a few times before he got it!

user1497435493 · 26/08/2017 18:05

@FizzyGreenWater

Do you know, if there's one advantage to being the person who does all the shitwork, it's that when you're used to running everything yourself you know for a fact that if you decide to go it alone, you'll be fine! I mean, I quite like you and all, but it feels great to know that I get so little from you in practical terms that you really are an optional extra. I don't need you in our lives one bit. Sucks for you though I guess, knowing that you're just not part of the team and the second I can't be arsed any more, we'll be off and we'll do fine. Whereas I guess you would be one one BITCH of a learning curve! Still, your choice to be a passenger, I suppose.

That's brilliant! But I would save this for a bit later on when she has pulled him up on his behaviour several times, and his bad habits haven't changed.

Original poster

ElephantsYeah · 26/08/2017 18:26

I like that idea, SometimesMaybe. I think I'll suggest that and see how it goes. Thank you all for commenting and taking me seriously. Sometimes I feel very alone in this parenting thing.

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blackteasplease · 26/08/2017 18:29

Exh was like this, especially when they were v small. He couldn't look after them or take them somewhere so I had a lie in. It was always "I'll take them out for the day once you've got up and got everything ready". No. I'd like you to get everyone ready so I can have a lie in and then enjoy the day with the kids

He seems to manage fine now we aren't together!

StrugglingFirstTimeMum · 26/08/2017 18:36

This all sounds depressingly familiar. And I'm tired too. My husband will do a job but can't seem to complete it without asking for some kind of help. It means that I NEVER get a compete rest unless I'm out of the house. But like you, it's such small requests that I end up seeming unreasonable if I don't respond. It's been going on since the baby was born. When I was breastfeeding constantly and exhausted and stuck in one place for all the day I'd hand the baby over for 20 minutes break and my husband would then ask me to bring him a glass of water. He never could see why I got annoyed.

Original poster

ElephantsYeah · 26/08/2017 20:17

Well we've had a chat. I suggested your idea, SometimesMaybe. He thinks it's a great idea. I explained that I need a "day off" from the responsibility. Let's hope he can stick to it! Thank you again, it's much appreciated.

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DamnDeDoubtanceIsSpartacus · 26/08/2017 21:12

You may both benefit from reading Wifework

That is great that you have raised the issue and that he's listened.

GabsAlot · 27/08/2017 00:10

saying your in charg but still being there wont work it will all still fall back to you to do it all

how is bing in charge of a bag doing much?

MachineBee · 27/08/2017 10:35

It's about the principle and it is wearing feeling like your on duty all the time. I wish I'd done this when mine were little. My ExH was a olive officer on shifts so our routine was non existent and he always insisted on playing golf on the first of his 2 days after 7 days at work. This meant he got up early and I had to deal with DCs. I then said he'd share the lie ins for the next day meaning I had 2 a month! Even then by about 9am he'd be bringing the kids in to me saying mummy's had her lie in, let's wake her up. He would get really mad if I disturbed him before 11. One of the many reasons why he's an ExH

Original poster

ElephantsYeah · 27/08/2017 19:49

It's not just being in charge of the change bag though: it's being responsible for our ds on "his" days so that I can have a break from the responsibility, which is what has been draining me.

I've got to try something or our marriage will go wrong, and I really don't want that! We've known each other since we were teenagers (got together in our late twenties) and he's one of my best friends as well as my husband. I really don't want our marriage to end. I love him.

He isn't a pig. His dad is a bit useless (actually a lot useless - so much so that our ds has met him maybe 6 times in his life) so I kind of get where it all comes from. He doesn't want to have the same relationship with our ds as he has/had with his own dad. I think he really wants to turn this around. I want to give him the chance to do that. Obviously if he doesn't change then I will have to look at more drastic options but I don't think we're there at the moment and I have to give him to opportunity to change.

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