To leave kids in care of DH and auntie while I go abroad?

[TheVanguardSix]

My brother is in the States, West Coast. He is married, 3 young kids and has been diagnosed with an aggressive cancer (he was diagnosed in April and has been on chemo since June to shrink the tumour prior to op in late October/early November).

His op is a Whipples procedure- recovery is grim and will take about 6 months, so between now and next June will not be a great time to see him, I reckon.

Here's my dilemma. I'd like to fly over and see him at the beginning of October for a charity golf tournament he is hosting to raise awareness of pancreatic cancer and to donate funds towards research. I'd love to be there to support him and his cause and to see him most of all! I would go for about 9 days, squeezing in a quick trip to Vancouver to say goodbye as well to my unwell, elderly aunt (dad's sister).

I will be going to the States on my own, leaving DH and his lovely sister in charge of our 3 kids and dog. My eldest is 15 and helpful. My youngest is 3 and incredibly attached to me. My youngest will be starting nursery on the 25th of September and I would be leaving that very week to the States. I can't change my little one's start date.

I am terribly worried about leaving my clingy, unpredictable youngest child for 9 days, especially as he is staring nursery.

Should I just hold out for another time- maybe a month later and skip the charity tournament but go out right before my brother's surgery? Or should I just go when he's having his surgery in late October/early November to hold his hand (and his wife's) for a few days? Should I not go at all and wait until Spring when my youngest is a bit older and more confident and also when my brother is nearly at the other side of his recovery from the Whipples surgery?

Thank you for any advice, especially if you've had experience with such a dilemma.

Go as soon as you can, but prepare by setting up time away from your youngest now. Have your DH and SIL in charge of your little one for an hour or so, here and there, and build it up so it becomes a new normal for your youngest.
Then starting nursery will be a little bit easier, but the looking after by DH and SIL will be second nature.

I don't understand what the dilemma is. Your brother is very seriously ill. Your child has a parent and an aunt to take care of him. It seems like a total no brained to me

I'd try not to wait. Surgery in Cancer Patients and their recovery is unpredictable. Sorry to say but he may not be here if you delay.

I've worked in Health Care and had numerous friends/ relatives with Cancer.

Can you start your DH doing bedtimes etc?

No brainer

Go and see your brother

In ten years, your child will not remember starting nursery but you would still remember not seeing your brother, especially if the surgery is more complicated than expected.

The child will be unharmed in the long run. He may not be any more confident or less clingy in a few months anyway.

I also don't understand. Just go. Everyone will be fine. The kids have people to look after them. You have two very ill family members. It's NINE days. NINE. GO!

Go and see your brother. Your DH will sort the kids and it may help the little one not to be clingy.

It's a hard one but if it was me I would be going. You can spend between now and the trip working on the clingyness and I am sure your dh will pull it out of the bag and cope amazingly well

Please go asap your little boy will be okay.

Thanks all. It is a no brainer, I know. But I've been eaten alive by anxiety the past few months since the diagnosis and being so far away feeds that beast. So my thought processes are all skewed. You know how it is, when you're anxious, you're not always rational with your thoughts. My worry for my brother has manifested itself in all sorts of ways. I dream that I lose the kids in shops, in the corridors of my old primary school, etc. We were driving back from France the other day and the panic I felt on the motorway was ridiculous. I was so scared we'd get in an accident.

I am terrified of everything.

I'll book that flight. Thanks again so, so much for being my voices of reason!!

Go. You haven't got time to delay. Pancreatic cancer is very aggressive and ruthless. Your kids will be fine.

Go. Worry about your brother, your kids will be fine.

Build the memories with your db. Im sorry your family are going through this. What a lovely family you have though, its so nice to hear that your SIL is being so caring.

I'd go now, your 3 year old will be fine and it might do him some good to see his dad can look after him.

RusholmeRuffian my brother is a huge Smiths fan.

One last question for you kind MNers: Do you think squeezing in the trip to Vancouver (a short West Coast flight) for a day or two with my elderly auntie is sending a negative message to my brother? It's just that I won't get out to Vancouver for sure and this is a good opportunity to say goodbye to her.

Thanks again!

AJPTaylor thank you for your kind words. I am indebted to my sister in law. She is an incredibly beautiful person. I honestly haven't met such a giving soul as her. She lives in Australia and would just drop everything in a heartbeat to come to London to help. I haven't the words to describe my gratitude.

Go.

I think going to vancouver will be fine. Your db will be grateful for your support alone, sure he won't begrudge you seeing another very ill relative wholst you are there.
P.s DS starting nursery may be easier without you there if he is clingy to you, someone else taking him may allow him to settle easier x

Your brother needs you more now than your clingy child does. Go.

Is your SIL coming over from Australia to the UK just to help your DH with the kids while you're away for nine days? I hope I've misunderstood that.

((((HUG)))

Glad to see you're booking the flights.

No, seeing your Auntie as well does not send any kind of message to your brother, other than you're seeing your Auntie x

Go now, go again later, go as many times as you can afford to.

Your DH really shouldn't need 'help' unless there's a very good reason for it.

Your 3 year old will be fine, they have Daddy. Even if they are upset or it makes settling in at nursery harder, then so be it tbh. They're 3, it'll soon be forgotten. You can't not go to see your brother in case it upsets your 3yo.

You are obviously very stressed & upset. Go & see your auntie & brother & look after yourself x. I'd go and see your GP & see if they can give you something to help with your anxiety, even if it's only for the flights.

Very sorry to hear about your brother's health, OP. You sound like a very close-knit, supportive family. Our children, of course, are closest to us of all and I'm not surprised that you're a bit concerned about your clingy three-year-old missing you and starting nursery without you. This is obviously not how you would have planned it but, in these extreme circumstances, you are right to put seeing your DB first and going out to visit him as soon as you can. You have done everything possible to reduce the effect of your absence by ensuring that your DH and very kind Auntie will be available to support him. Please try to relax as you can do no more! Your anxiety is a measure of how concerned you are about everyone else's wellbeing but I think, once you have made a firm decision about your plans and accepted it, you will not feel quite so upset.

Your SIL sounds fab.

Agree with everything Chipping has said.

You're doing so well and dealing with so much at the moment. It's natural when we feel stressed and anxious for it to feed into other areas of life. Try to remember to look after yourself too - it may sound daft but simple things like making sure your breathing isn't going out of kilter (as that can magnify fearful/anxious feelings). Strong in breath with a slightly longer out breath repeated a few times can help. You are a great mum and sister. Go and spend time with your brother and yes to going to see your Aunt, too. Wishing you and your family well

I would go sooner, but not for 9 days.