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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To feel hurt by this

17 replies

Runningaround6 · 26/08/2017 04:27

First post so hi 👋🏻
On holiday with bf, having a really lovely time. Earlier he was texting his friend and I asked how friend was etc. He went all a bit weird when I was asking. Anyway for some reason it played on my mind. So, later, I looked on his phone - I know I shouldn't have done this and now I wish I didn't.

He sent messages to his friend saying how a man could cause some mischief here and a bum emoji, basically saying that the women here were fit. I just feel like he's on holiday with his gf and should he really be looking st other women? Also the feminist in me hates men looking at women as objects and I really didn't think he was like that.

The other thing was that we went for a hike there was waterfall, pools that you could dip in, bridges etc. It was pretty amazing and I was in awe of it all really. Texts to friend with pics of we were up to saying how he'd like to go away with his friend and go more off the beaten track, somewhere other people don't walk, be more adventurous.
I'm upset about that just because we are here now, why's he thinking about what's next? Can't he be happy with what's happening now? To me a holiday is like a takeaway, you should enjoy it and not be doing anything else while you're enjoying it. To add he goes away about 10 times a year a few with me and the rest with friends so I love got no problem with him going away at all it's just I want him to enjoy our holidays away and not be thinking about the next.

I've re-read this and realise I sound like a teenager. Our relationship is so good otherwise. Please feel free to tell me to sort my life out!

OP posts:

smurfit · 26/08/2017 05:02

It could be a number of things. He might just be an arsehole, but is there a chance he is simply there because he knows you'll enjoy it?

The comments on their own wouldn't bother me personally but I've been in bad relationships where things like this were actually a big deal and a symptom of a larger problem (side note: I didn't realise they were bad until I was out of them).

Italiangreyhound · 26/08/2017 05:05

I think it may help to talk about it but that will mean admitting to reading his texts.

He certainly has a lot of holidays, maybe he doesn't value them as much as the average person.

Bum emojis and 'mischief' while on holiday with girl friend don't sound great.

If your relationship is so good why are you looking at his phone, do you suspect something?

No idea what to make, not sure if it is a storm in a tea cup or you sense you and he are not on the same page.

Anyway, all the best.

BeauMirchoff · 26/08/2017 06:07

Mmm... I'd feel hurt. It's like being there with you is not good enough for him. And the comments about other women - not cool at all.

MissBax · 26/08/2017 06:35

How long have you been together?

Gorgosparta · 26/08/2017 07:50

I get what you are saying. I wouldnt feel comfortable with the message about women.

The other one, wouldnt. Since he does go away with friends alot, he is thinking about wether they would all like it.

But it would also make me uncomfortable that my dp felt it was ok to go through my phone as well.

This relationship sounds like it has a lot of issues.

vikingprincess81 · 26/08/2017 08:03

It doesn't sound as if the relationship is as bulletproof as you think OP, and I wouldn't be impressed with the peach emoji either. That said, going through his phone on the basis of 'went a bit weird' that's not great either. I know sometimes your spidey senses are tingling, but I'm not sure about that.
What do you want to do - are you concerned enough about this to admit to going through his phone?
Try not to let it ruin your time away though, he may get 10 holidays a year, but it doesn't sound as if you do - try to get the best out of your time away, and enjoy the scenery, like the waterfall hike.

swingofthings · 26/08/2017 08:32

Men behave differently among themselves like being boyish and all. Doesn't make them bad partners, that's why it's better to leave to it and not be party to it. Don't check his phone in the future.

HiJenny35 · 26/08/2017 08:43

I wouldn't think he's being faithful when away with his mates based on those tx.

TiffanyAtBreakfast · 26/08/2017 09:18

The comments about other women are worrying, he's not a bachelor I'd be very upset by that tbh.

Donttouchthethings · 26/08/2017 09:34

I think men go through a change as they mature, from putting their mates first to their partner. It sounds like he's still in 'mate mode'. That's fine, unless you're ready to settle down, in which case, he might well be too immature for you at the moment.

Jta, I personally don't have a problem with you looking at his phone. If you're in an established relationship, I can't imagine why it would be private and looking at it could save you a lot of time. If you decide to stay together, I would suggest you agree an 'open phone' policy moving forwards.

Manclife · 26/08/2017 09:48

Yes YABU. The message says "a guy" not "I could" and as such sounds like the the kind of thing a someone might send to a mate. Your feminist side may not like it but are you really telling me you've never discussed how other men look with friends? Just take a look at the MN topic on "sexy celebrity pics" it's what people do. The bigger issue is the breach of trust when you went through his phone.

Nocabbageinmyeye · 26/08/2017 09:56

Imagine how hurt and pissed off you feel ........ Now imagine you are the person who has had their private conversations checked and is having them analysed on the internet, imagine how pissed off you'd be then!! You do sound like a teenager, how long are ye together?

FittonTower · 26/08/2017 10:12

None of that sounds too bad. My holidays with my husband are different to my holidays with my friends - I might even message my friends and tell them that it's a shame I'm there with my husband as if I'd gone with them id be in the awesome looking bars or something - that wouldn't mean I wasn't having a lovely time with my husband.
If he looked through my phone then threw a strop because he read messages without history or context I'd be very very pissed off.

Cat2014 · 26/08/2017 10:16

I'd be really upset by the texts about the women. Not so much about the others.
Sadly I don't think there's much you can do, if that's what he's like you either accept it or leave him. Don't try and change him (been there done that)

Donttouchthethings · 26/08/2017 10:25

I think I'd be more upset about him messaging someone else so much when we're away. Maybe I'm old-fashioned but I like people to be with me when they're with me, not on their phone.

Boulshired · 26/08/2017 10:37

The messages sound immature and very peer bragging but the checking of his messages is not a good indication of your relationship. There is certainly no trust.

StillDrivingMeBonkers · 26/08/2017 10:43

Can't he be happy with what's happening now? To me a holiday is like a takeaway, you should enjoy it and not be doing anything else while you're enjoying it

We have friends like this. Its wearing, it really is. You're half way through the starter and they are planning their next adventure, trying to sign you up to another restaurant, a holiday, etc etc it just sucks the life blood out of you. I said once, "you two take no time to actually enjoy anything you do, you're always looking for the next thrill, you just don't appreciate anything around you". Whilst lovely people, and great company, ultimately they are the most utterly selfish, self absorbed people who have the attitude that we are all bit players in their life.

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