AIBU to struggling with ageing badly....

[LittleRedRidingHood99]

This is reallly something that I am struggling with, we all age and it's prt of life but I am really finding it hard to find anything positive about myself right now and I am wondering if anyone feels the same and can give some advice.

I am 42, I am overweight (I am a binge eater) size 16 and I am big all over - as in I don't have a slim part of my body. It's everywhere!

I gave up smoking 6 months ago and now vape, slightly better after 24 years.

So here's the thing, I have a group of friends who are very sporty (I have osteoarthritis) have had Botox and lip fillers (I think they look a little plastic but they do look good) they have more money than I do and have amazing haircuts, treatments, makeup.

And when I look at myself compared to them I feel mumsy. They wear Zara and Dolce and gabbana and I wear Dorothy Perkins.

i look in the mirror and I see bad lines around my eyes, I have eye bags and I am so upset my teeth have all of a sudden started to look stained. I have at the minute a clump of spots and boils on my chin, I feel I am a frump and I am always making jokes about being the fat and funny one.

I am not asking you to recommend dieting, I am trying - I want advice on how to accept myself as I am, learn to love myself and have an appreciation for me.

My husband loves me and doesn't want me to have any work done, he says he wants us to grow old together, easy for him he is 5 years younger and is getting more attractive (damn you men)

So give me your best advice on embracing age, and trying to feel like I am as good enough as my stunning, slim friends x

get over yourself. your life sounds wonderful. no-one anywhere you go has the time or energy to be scrutinizing you looking for flaws so just enjoy your life and hold your head up high.

You know you are so right, some of them are very insecure and I am the one after 25 years who still has a marriage and is happy. I feel like if I could like myself I would have a very happy existence, I want to change the mindset and say f*k it as Gloria Gaynor said...I am what I am!

I think it's hard feeling like you are the poor relation, that you are always the one who worries before going out because I am the dumpy and unattractive one of the group

So
You have a group of friends
You have a husband who loves you for yourself
You've kicked the cigarettes
You sound good humoured, good company and a good friend!

if they are slim and stylish and insecure and you are not and insecure, it does seem like saying fuck it and counting your blessings is the most sensible option. I know that's easier said than done though x

Don't look too closely in the mirror. Can you get cheap regular haircuts eg from a training college? That can make a big difference. Focus on feeling good rather than your appearance eg go to bed early, drink.lots of water, do little bits of exercise you enjoy, meditate or practice mindfulness. These will all help you to feel better in body and mind. These women probably feel.similarly when they look on the mirror but hide it. Constant new treatments clothes etc can be a sign of insecurity, in fact whole industries thrive on making women feel crap about their appearance by comparing us to air brushed unobtainable ideals. I'm starting to notice I'm ageing but have decided that tbh the only person whose opinion matters is my dh, and he lives me just as I am so no need to compare myself to others.sounds like your dh is similar. This is actually a very lucky position to be in so I'd concentrate on that if you can. Easier said than done I know.

I try to remember that "ugly" doesnt exist. Everyone is different and no 2 people like exactly the same thing. For every person who likes slim, theres one who likes athletic, one who likes curvy, and every other body shape. For every blonde lover theres a brunette, a red head, a raven lover, same for eye colour. Same for height. For every person who thinks cosmetically enhanced is beautiful, theres another who prefers natural, wrinkles, fine lines, softer features. EVERYONE is beautiful to somebody, so ugly cant exist.

You say youre the only one happily married, theyre probably super envious and wish they had what you have!

Same age here, feeling similar. Used to be lovely, not that long ago... But I'm going downhill fast.
My face is nice, but that youthful bloom is gone (of course!). My body is the real problem. Fat & frumpy, I can't fit into any of my clothes...
Also starting to feel seriously unfit. I've let myself go in the last six months, really starting to suffer now.
I think all you can do is call it, sort yourself out, but also accept that your heyday is ling gone (sob...).

Also agree that cosmetic work is not for everyone. I'd never consider it, but each to their own. Plus, even though I no longer turn heads, I'm happily married too. You win some, you lose some!

Quit making the jokes about being the fat and frumpy one, as this will just reinforce how you feel. You've just given up smoking which is an amazing achievement and you should recognise this. Nothing to stop you getting a haircut or a teeth scale and polish - both of which stopped me feeling like crap after I gave up - but please try to stop being so hard on yourself. You have people who obviously appreciate and love you as you are. As you should do too.

First of all well done you for giving up the ciggies!

I'm hitting to the big 5-0 at the end of this year. I look in the mirror and see wrinkles and more grey hair. But.....,

My wrinkles are because I laugh and smile too much. My grey hair is me growing old and shows I have the experience of life under my belt! I do still get spots (2 got squeezed this morning ).

From what you have said, I would prefer you as a friend over your 'plastic pals' any day. I bet they spend hours tarting themselves up before they dare walk out the front door! You sound like a lovely, genuine, normal and friendly person - and your husband loves you!

Enough said

What amazing ladies you are, I feel such a boost reading your replies!

Lancelottie tou made me smile :) people do say I am lovely and pretty, and I can take a nice photo with a filter.....

I know my friends look at me and think my husband is lovely (how the hell I bagged a man like that, he is absolutely wonderful)

I do have my hair done, and I have purchased some nice makeup, I also wear nice clothes I think (dress for my shape).

It's funny how a group of strangers can actually make you look at things another way. I want to start thinking of the positives....like I have a great job, amazing man, 2 lovely kids, an okish house (we like holidays) I just want to keep that mindset all the time and not wake up tomorrow and think god I am a hag :( haha

Revenant I am trying to make a concious effort to not always get in first with jokes about me age and weight, it's hard after a lifetime of doing so!

Juicy cake I think it seems like such a project but maybe if a put into manageable chunks....I am actually a project manager you would think I would know how to do this!!!!

Thanks ladies :)

Sending you a hug smigbot :) what a lovely post!

I was thinking of doing something to make me feel better, like perhaps experimenting with fashion - I always had a dream of being more funky and interesting rather than cardigan girl, but I'm too afraid when really I have lots of clothes and accessories and I could look rather interesting, my insecurities stop me from really going for it!!!

I am the same - I tend to stick to the same stuff and...dare I say it....clothes shopping bores me to tears! I often say that I need a visit from Gok to sort me out. I wear jeans and t shirts that are getting on for 20 years old. I still wear a pair of trainers I bought when my eldest was in reception. She starts secondary school in a couple of weeks . My husband and three children have more clothes than me!

But I still don't care! It's me and if no one likes it then tough!

I'm no fashion expert (obviously) but you could always pop into a clothes shop you feel comfortable with and find an assistant who looks approachable and ask them if they have any suggestions for you to try out. You could always try a quiet time of day - maybe when they first open on a weekday if it is possible for you.

Remember. Love you for who you are, not what you think you should be. You are worth a million of them ten times over!

What a lovely supporting thread :). I'm trying to lose weight after putting on nearly two stone with Citalapram-. Agree with everyone who replied. Love yourself for who you are. Sweet dreams

If you want a look that's more funky and interesting, have a look at the clothes on the gudrunsjoden.com site. They're pricey, but worth the cost. I love the way they layer the clothes.

A little tip I discovered that helped me feel better about myself, is a very simple one, but really does make a difference. If anybody gives you a compliment, don't give the usual British self-deprecating answer, putting yourself down. Accept the compliment and say thank you. Try it, it works!

Don't forget to look after yourself. Spend some quiet time alone, doing what you like, reading, sitting in the garden, go for a walk, have a nice soak in a scented bath.

Dye your hair a funky colour!

And remember, your friends with botox obviously don't like their natural look!

Well I have a entirely shallow contribution to make to this topic. I was a plain overweight teenager. I looked a little better during university and my early twenties but was always used to not being pretty, perhaps cute now and then (with a lot of effort and preparation). Out of nowhere, in my early thirties I suddenly started looking really good. I have no explanation for that except to say that I took up a sport quite seriously that changed my body shape for the better and my chubby cheeked face slimmed down a little with age but also the remaining chubbiness made me look younger. It also helped that I lived in a part of the world where it's comparatively cheap to have hair/beauty treatments. So I basically had a nice decade of life in my thirties of actually being rather attractive. Lovely, right? Well no actually. Now in my forties and ageing I am having a harder time losing my (only recently) acquired good looks and I'm ashamed to admit how shallow and vain I have become about it. I suppose what I'm trying to say is that if you let yourself become too defined by how you look it is harder to deal with the inevitable decline of your looks through ageing. I think your friends who are throwing money on botox etc... are probably having a harder time feeling good about themselves than you are perhaps. I hope I expressed this properly!

With the osteoarthritis, could you do yoga or Pilates? Or walk outside (fresh air is a real mood lifter); as doing something physical for me always makes me feel I look better if that makes sense.

You need new friends 😉. I understand were your coming from op. Try to put away a bit of money each month for you. To help pay for hair,, clothes and nice things that you love! You must love them or at least they make you feel batter.

First on the list would be hair. You wear it everyday. Maybe it's time for a change be it colour or cut or both.

Have you thought of a personal shopper experience? Christmas is coming it would be such a great present for you. If anything it would be fun and what a great way to try on new styles. You might be reassured that actually what you wear is lovely already 😁.

Teeth, you can get them brightened for not alot but consider if you really need to.

And lastly but most importantly start liking yourself again. This is so hard but each day look at you in the mirror and tell yourself you are a lovely person, you are worth it and you love yourself. Do it every day and it will get easier and you will begin to really care and look after you!

I am currently wearing something that cost a couple of quid at a car boot sale a few years ago. It is my favourite colour and it's bright and cheerful. I have worn this on my travels round the world and locally. I don't wear designer clothes, I wear what I like. I do the things that I enjoy, so suggest that you find things that you enjoy too. I don't see old, I see smiles...

@smigbot definitely I would love a Gok visit I used to love his programme always gave a good confidence boost!!!

Thank you for all the amazing replies and recommendations which I am working through.

@saturday - I love that you see smiles :)

So today I got up, put on my makeup and did my hair, then tried some holiday clothes on (going in a few weeks) tried on new swimming costume (dress style) not the best photos, clearly some double chin and my arms are my worst feature, but I keep going back to the photo and trying to see myself in another light, when I tried it on my husband said oh I love that you look gorgeous. Oh for a day to see myself through his eyes.

Interesting comments about my friends, they are very insecure one said I don't care if your fat, thin, tall or short we just want to spend time with you because your so much fun. (I do decline many invites)

I've been trying to be thin for 20 years....and although I do get slimmer I've only once been a size 12 (vcld) I almost want to say I am sick of bloody dieting and I just want to be able to accept myself and embrace it!

I do walk with the dog and that's my excersize and actually I am going on holiday 3 stone less than I last went, so I am trying to remember and focus on the good and save those in my pocket.

Thanks again, you really have done wonders for me with your lovely posts :)

Another point, I think if I can accept myself I will then start to take better care of myself if that makes sense? Lose some weight, excersize a little more and do it for me and health not because I need to be like everyone else.

'you don't like getting older' it's all about perspective, I wish some of my friends and family were still here with me to enjoy getting older together. I try to enjoy the simple things in life, but I also make short a new long term goals. I don't think age really stops anyone from doing anything if you put your mind to it. In the last couple of years I have tried some new things. You only have one life so make the most of it. Have a look at random acts of kindness or do some charity fundraising that may kick start you into other things that you would not have thought about. If you want to loose weight make some plans to do so.
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You have done the best thing possible for your health & looks which is to give up smoking.

You should feel proud of yourself for that as it's not at all easy.

Growing older is difficult & accepting ageing is difficult- I'm 41 and fighting it all the way so I do understand how you feel.

Yes I've lost friends who died young so I know I should be grateful for even getting to my 40s cos they didn't so I keep reminding myself of them when I feel down.

Some amazing advice here. I'd only add that facial exercises, if you do them consistently, give much longer lasting, more natural results than botox and lip fillers, etc. And they're free. Look up facerobics on youtube - she's brilliant.

Comparisons are odious. While some people go down the filler and botox route they are only delaying the inevitable. There is a lot to be said for getting older with dignity, and accepting that you change. Enjoy it. I am 20 years older than you - when I look in the mirror I see my (dear departed) mother! Be proud of what you have achieved in life, and most importantly, be happy. I now do things like regular hairdresser visits to keep the barnet looking good. I have also got a wardrobe that covers all the wobbly bits, and I don't often look in the mirror with my glasses on! As you get older you care less and less what other people think of you anyway - one definite advantage. Enjoy your family, enjoy your friends and live for the moment. Life is great, and a lot better than the alternative.