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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Not missing my husband when his away

49 replies

callmemamma · 25/08/2017 20:15

Husband is away across the ocean.This is not something I am used to,last time he went a year ago for the same reason(work related)The point is I do not really miss him.To be honest I quite enjoy doing things totally my way and not having him around.It was different last year when I have missed him a lot every single day!Not sure what kind of response I expect just wanted to hear from anyone who is or was in similar situation.

OP posts:

gingergenius · 25/08/2017 20:52

I'm a single parent since 2009. My exDH worked long hours/found early parenthood hard so I was isolated during the early years too. I LOVE being on my own. I'm with a DP but we don't live together. I think I'm beyond help lol! I'm very sociable, and an extrovert but once my kids are asleep/in their own rooms and I can switch off for the night I love it!!!! Not sure if I'm normal but tbh I don't care that much. I out so much of me into my life with my kids and my business that I don't have much energy for anyone else!

Mivery · 25/08/2017 20:54

Nothing wrong with enjoying some "you" time. I'd more concerned about the desire for him to not come back. Do you have any idea what the root of these feelings are?

early30smum · 25/08/2017 21:00

I never miss my DH when he's away. I don't think it's a huge problem. I like me time, I like time with the kids without DH.

MadisonAvenue · 25/08/2017 21:06

I am on night one of four nights - FOUR NIGHTS - of having the house to myself. Husband and kids have gone camping. I've been looking forward to my "me" time as much as they've been looking forward to their weekend away.

He worked at a lot when the children were young and it was hard. I used to dread him being away and not having another adult in the house to help with bedtimes, to listen to what I had to say and to unwind with at night. Now they're late teens/early 20s so I relish the time alone.

BabychamSocialist · 25/08/2017 21:06

DP is away half of the year and I don't really miss him that much. Only when a spider needs killing.

Like you, I enjoy the time to do things my own way and being able to read in bed and not have to wear earplugs!

Original poster

callmemamma · 25/08/2017 21:08

Oh,I'm so glad I asked you lovely lot.
You all cheered me up big time 😊
I think we just reached another level in our relationship(been together nearly 13 years)
I hope there isn't anything deeper going on I guess I have to wait and see how I feel when he's back.

OP posts:

tinypop4 · 25/08/2017 21:12

I enjoy it for a couple of days. Then I wish he would be back, as I get tired looking after the small DC by myself and I miss chatting to him in the evenings. He travels a lot and I wish it would be less.

LuluJakey1 · 25/08/2017 21:15

DH has taken DS to see PIL from yesterday until Sunday night. I am at home with 4 month old DD and it is bliss. I love him to bits but I love a few days and nights to myself. DD is fast asleep and I am lying on the sofa in the dark, on mnet and eating an M&S cappucino ice cream lolly.

MrsJayy · 25/08/2017 21:16

I think if it is regular and you have younger kids it is different from occasionally

Original poster

callmemamma · 25/08/2017 21:29

My dh is a bit of a control freak and I have to consult him about everything including what's for dinner and other trivial stuff as I don't like his disapproval.
Also when the house is not up to scratch he gets frustrated and sees it as I sit at home all day doing nothing(I am not SAHM but I only work 2 days a week-leaving home @8 and coming back just before 8pm)
These are the only issues we may have.

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Original poster

callmemamma · 25/08/2017 21:30

That's maybe why I enjoy a bit of "down time" like someone said.

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jmh740 · 25/08/2017 21:39

Forgot to mention the cats are enjoying him being away too. He doesn't like them sleeping on the bed I have been actively encouraging it! I might have even carried one upstairs to bed with me last night☺

MavisFlumpTheFairy · 25/08/2017 21:40

I was chatting about this earlier with a friend, we've both been married for a very long time and completely agree how blissful it is when you have a few days on your own 😊
We reckon that husband-respite should be mandatory!

Catra · 25/08/2017 21:47

I find it bizarre when people say they relish the time when their DH is away because they can eat what they want / watch their own choice of TV programmes / have "me" time, etc.

My DH doesn't work away but both of us still do our own thing while living under the same roof – for example, right now we're sat at the table very much together and talking intermittently but he is playing a computer game with his headphones in and I'm watching a programme he has no interest in with headphones in too, Mumsnetting during the breaks. Quite often at home we eat different things at different times as well – just because we're a couple under the same roof it doesn't mean we necessarily fancy the same thing at the same time.

Neither of us begrudges the other time for hobbies, nights out or some time away with friends, but on the rare occasions where we've spent several nights apart we miss each other so much we can't wait to be with each other again.

Don't get me wrong, I'm absolutely not being critical of anyone's relationship, I simply didn't realise that the dynamic I have with my DH isn't the norm.

Sdot1987 · 25/08/2017 21:47

My partner is at sea and it has been four months without him. We have a 9 month old baby girl and I have to admit I'm jealous of all you ladies that have husbands/boyfriends away for a few days. I love 'me' time (not that I actually get it!) but now I'm just wishing for him to come home.

ethelfleda · 25/08/2017 21:48

God I am a soppy cow... I miss my DH after 8 hours at work

Petalflowers · 25/08/2017 21:49

I think my dh gets upset that we don't have big emotional reunions after he has been away. however, when he's away, we talk on the phone a few times each day, so,it's not like there's no contact.

I also enjoy having the bed to myself and watching what I want on tv.

BabychamSocialist · 25/08/2017 23:08

Catra

We do our own thing mostly, but I still relish my alone time. When I say "eat what I want/watch what I want" I mean I can pig out on pizza and watch EastEnders without having to explain to DP what's going on.

Maybe you want someone on top of you 24/7 but both me and DP like our own space too.

tissuesosoft · 25/08/2017 23:15

Catra we don't have the budget to cook different meals for each person so when he's on nights I can cook things I like but he doesn't. We watch a lot of the same things but he doesn't get my love of medical programmes for example (they make him queasy) so I record them to watch when he's on nights.

dollydaydream114 · 25/08/2017 23:53

Catra We mostly eat together because we like that, but like you, I don't feel like I can't do/eat/watch my own thing when my DP is home. We do lots of stuff together but often we'll be doing separate stuff, albeit in the same room.

That said, while I love my DP to bits and we rarely if ever argue, I don't miss him much when he's away for brief periods. I'm happy in my own company. He travels quite a bit for his hobby and I never mind if he has a couple of nights away.

Oblomov17 · 26/08/2017 00:00

Dh rarely goes away. When he does, I don't miss him at all. I question myself, as to whether that is bad?

RedastheRose · 26/08/2017 00:03

From your last post it sounds like there is more going on than just not missing him. If he is controlling and critical when he is there it is no wonder you don't miss him. He shouldn't be like that as it is very unhealthy for him to be forcing you to feel that you are failing by not jumping high enough when he says jump! You should think about counselling for yourself to explore why you are letting him dictate how your life should be lived rather than being a mutually supportive partnership. Your relationship doesn't sound healthy.

scaryteacher · 26/08/2017 10:24

Dh was in the RN for 34 years until he retired, now has a job that also entails trips away, so have done weekending for years, sea time, and now trips abroad for meetings. I like being able to not cook if I don't want to; listen to the radio all evening, as opposed to watching the TV; sorting things out my way.

Red It's perfectly normal for people to have different ways of doing things. I keep my to do list in my head, Dh's is on paper. I always noticed when he came home from a couple of months away at sea that he would raise an eyebrow at how I'd dealt with things. He got told that as he wasn't there to deal with it, I had, and if he didn't like what I'd done he could have dealt with it himself, except he was at sea, so couldn't, so he either accepted what I'd sorted, or left his career.

Original poster

callmemamma · 26/08/2017 13:59

Red: It's easy to put a blame on the other person.I think a lot of it is in my head and if I say it to him he would deny and say he loves me and appeciates what I do and how I care for the children and home(whether he is here or away)
I tend to overthink things.Difficult to explain and also it's not easy to decide when one a third person should be involved to deal with problems.

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