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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Is an uninterested dad a turn off?

17 replies

VodkaRB · 25/08/2017 18:44

I have a very complex personal issue going on in my private life and with my DH and my DSS.
I don't like the way DH is dealing with it and during all the conversations we have had about DSS, it is becoming obvious that DH cares more about me than his child. And by that I mean that he is more worried about me leaving him than his child getting help
I'm very uncomfortable with this. My children come way before any single person on earth.
DH just seems a bit uninterested in his children. Eg DSD started secondary school and he doesn't know what subjects she has on her timetable?! He doesn't take his children out on their own unless I practically force him and even then he says he didn't really enjoy it. They spend 99% of their time in their rooms, come out to eat, back to their rooms.
Due to the problems we are having with DSS this lack of urgency to get him help (whilst desperate to make sure I'm not going to leave him) is making me lose a bit of respect for him. As my eldest kids dad deserted him, an active dad is a massive plus point for me.
I just wanted opinions on whether a lacklustre dad would make you lose respect and ultimately interest in your partner,

OP posts:

Ellisandra · 25/08/2017 18:46

It wouldn't "ultimately" make me lose interest.
I would instantly lose interest.

PrimalLass · 25/08/2017 18:46

Tell him that one thing that will make you leave him is if he is a shit dad.

Moanyoldcow · 25/08/2017 18:48

I would have no time for a man who was absent from his children's life.

It would be a complete dealbreaker as would a man who couldn't communicate properly with his ex for the sake of their children.

mystvpn · 25/08/2017 18:48

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

CakeNinja · 25/08/2017 18:51

Not a turn off, I don't get turned on being ordinary people being ordinary parents.
I'd say he was a tosser that I wouldn't want to have much to do with though. I think a whole lot less people who can't put their kids first.

Glumglowworm · 25/08/2017 18:53

Not just a turn off, it would make me really dislike them as a person

elQuintoConyo · 25/08/2017 18:54

He sounds like a dick. I wouldn't find him remotely attractive.

Prusik · 25/08/2017 18:56

I think a man shows his true colours once he's had kids. I'd strongly reconsider being with him, especially if you are hoping to have a family in the future.

babybigapple · 25/08/2017 18:56

It's not really an attractive trait is it? At the same time though his concern over you leaving, is that because of you or because you seem to care more about his DC?

lunar1 · 25/08/2017 18:56

I couldn't be involved with someone who was an appalling parent. Sadly, for many people it seems to be what they want, to be a higher priority than his existing children.

MrsPicklesonSmythe · 25/08/2017 18:59

Few things less attractive than a lazy/disinterested dad

PerryPerryThePlatypus · 25/08/2017 19:01

I think he's more afraid of losing the person that cares for his kids.

Original poster

VodkaRB · 25/08/2017 19:17

Well I leave all parenting decisions to him and I do not discipline his children. I do not allow him to have any say with my children either. Not sure why that is. Maybe because we have different parenting styles and I prefer mine.....
Are him and I just not meant to be????
I have to say that he treats me like I am a princess. My aforementioned ex abused me and left me so to have someone who genuinely loves me for me is amazing.
However, is this enough???

OP posts:

Huffletuff · 25/08/2017 19:21

I couldn't be with him, sorry. It's beyond comprehension.

My exh went non contact with DS9 when he was 2, because he doesn't want to pay for him.

His new partner knows about this and is still with him. She has children of her own and I just don't know how she can be with someone who deserted their beautiful child.

Children always come first.

Handsfull13 · 25/08/2017 19:21

I would tell him how you feel. If he wants to keep you it might kick him into gear with his children. If he gets back into being a dad and you get your interest back it's all good. If your interest doesn't come back there is a different problem.
And if he doesn't change at all and your interest decreases even more then you have to think about why you are still with him.

Original poster

VodkaRB · 25/08/2017 19:43

He hasn't always been a full time dad. For about 5 years his children lived with their mum as they split up. She then died so he got them full time.
Sometimes I think that he just isn't used to children and he doesn't know 'how' to be a parent?! He has had them full time for 4 years

OP posts:

babybigapple · 25/08/2017 20:06

I think there is a lot to be said about a person that just doesn't know how to parent but it's their attitude towards change that is the measure of him. My DP was an LP and he had some interesting parenting ideas but he's slowly adjusted and is not far from what I think is ideal.

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