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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To un-forgive my parents after 15 years?

58 replies

thewintergirl · 25/08/2017 14:23

When I was 22 I fell pregnant with my eldest dc. I was in a very bad relationship with an abusive man who used to hit me and verbally abuse me every day, I know, I should have left him, but I was both afraid of him and on some level hoped he'd change.

My mum's response to this was to throw me out, even though she knew I had nowhere else to go and that he was abusive, although I know now I could have gone to a women's refuge. I just couldn't think straight. My sister also refused to help me saying I could stay a night here and there if it 'got really bad' after I told her what was going on with him and that he was hitting me.

My mum and I had always had a bad relationship before that as I grew up, she was very cold and set a lot of store by what people think. She is very religious. There are too many things to list here but my childhood was a catalogue of just having my confidence eroded away with comments that stay with me even as an adult in her 30s, from being 'disgusting' for sleeping with my boyfriend to her telling me she hated me. She was not like this with my sister.

During the pregnancy my sister told my mum that partner was continuing to hit me, I hoped that they might offer to let me come home but they didn't. Reading this makes me sound absolutely pathetic I know, I know I should have just left, and eventually I did end up in a women's refuge.

After dc was born my mum made a big thing of 'forgiving' me and accepting her dgc. She implied that she did not believe that I had been abused as badly as I had and also suggested that I had 'let it happen to me' if it were true. Our relationship got a bit better and she was an OK grandmother, though only ok, and didn't have massive amounts of time for dgc. She continued to run me down though and often made comments about me being a bad mother eg dc was a late talker and she said it was because I didn't bother to talk to her. Which wasn't true. And often said dc would probably be the only child I would ever have as noone would be keen to take on another man's child.

When I met my really lovely DH she got a lot nicer as I was now respectable and no longer an embarrassment to her.

Anyway we got on ok, and I tried not to think about her throwing me out any more, until a few months ago when we had an argument that escalated. The way she spoke to me just triggered something in me, she speaks in such a sneering, spiteful tone to me, and I just realised that I never wanted to hear her speak to me like that again. I went NC and realised at the heart of it is the fact that I had not forgiven her for what she did all those years ago. My dad went along with her actions when I was pregnant though wasn't as cruel as she was afterwards.

My sister and mum have both implied that I am raking up the past unreasonably and should have got over it.

I feel such a weight off me going NC with her. I can't explain it, I just feel so unbelievably happy and liberated that I will never have to listen to her being nasty to me again. AIBU? And thanks for reading.

PS I have told her she can see her grandchildren but she hasn't taken me up on it.

OP posts:
Neutrogena · 25/08/2017 15:36

@quercuscircus - you don't need to continue to feel pain and anger to remember that her mum is awful.
Pain and anger is a sign of a wanting a different past/future.

When you fully accept that mum is a despicable woman, then you won;t have pain and anger about the future because she won;t be in it.

Cakeycakecake · 25/08/2017 15:42

Totally disagree with neutrogena.

I've moved on from being raped and abused in the past- I will never forgive it though.
I've moved on from a family member telling me they hoped I'd be raped again and that I got sick and died - but I'll never forgive it.
I don't see why op is any different. She's been treated appallingly. In an unforgivable way.

Op you feel free and happy- that's all you need to know. No nc with sister and never look back. You're better off without these people.
Don't allow them contact with your dc, they're toxic and will damage them

Arion · 25/08/2017 15:45

Telling someone to forgive and not be angry is counterproductive often in someone with a history of abuse. It leads to suppression of feelings that need to be expressed to work through them.

OP, have you had any counselling to deal with it? If you do, I recommend you look for a counsellor who is trauma aware and not short term NHS counselling, as short term work 'pushes' and can be re-traumatising. Can I suggest you look into complex trauma/complex ptsd? With the history from your mum, and from your partner this could be an issue.

Arion · 25/08/2017 15:50

Can I suggest that anyone promoting 'forgiveness' reads this first? It's from a site about healing from complex trauma. The person is a survivor and very supportive, there are really good resources there. This particular article is about expectations to forgive, and how damaging they can be.

scarletpopapil · 25/08/2017 15:50

YADNBU. Sod her. She let you down, and worse, time and time and time again. She should crawl at your feet in shame and if she did I still wouldn't forgive her.

TillyMint81 · 25/08/2017 15:51

I think you've done the right thing. Apart from all the very good messages above think about your dc. Do you want her to grow up thinking it's acceptable to be spoken to like that or to speak to someone like that?
You have done your family unit a favour. I'm sure your mother is reacting with a little guilt. The religious act put on is something I've seen a lot and it's an excuse to hide behind when you are being a knob.
Onwards and upwards and don't look back. Xxxx

Aeroflotgirl · 25/08/2017 15:59

Your parents and family acted in a dispicable manner towards you, when you were extremely vulnerable and needed help. They disbelieved you, and made you believe you were responsible for it (which of course you were not!), they only took you back, when you were more acceptable to them. Their love was with conditions, totally opposite of what a mum and dad should be. Now they are still burying their heads in the sand, not apologising, and putting the blame on you.

You have every right to go non contact with these toxic and posionous people. Your life will be better and a lot lighter without them dragging you down.

Aeroflotgirl · 25/08/2017 16:00

Do not expose your children to her toxic ways.

Aeroflotgirl · 25/08/2017 16:01

They did not love or care for you their child, I certainly don't think they will love and care for your children.

KirstyLaura · 25/08/2017 16:02

You've definitely the right thing. Cut her off and walk away, I wouldn't ever been any obligation towards family just because they're family. She's done nothing to earn your love, hold your head high and embrace your new found emotional freedom. Personally I wouldn't let your children have contact with such a toxic person either. I would have no trust for such a person so I really see no reason why you would want your children to be subjected to her judgments and vicious callousness in the future when they don't meet her perfect ideals.

KirstyLaura · 25/08/2017 16:03

Feel*

quercuscircus · 25/08/2017 16:08

I kind of see what you are saying neutrogena . It is a process I guess.

Also many people who are abused do 'forget' that they have been abused - the self doubt and the confusion, the gaslighting, the minimising, the guilt etc it can make it hard to see what has really occurred and this is where anger and 'blaming' can be useful. Why not apportion repsonsibility where it belongs? Instead of it being misplaced onto the victim?

I think this is where sometimes we 'forgive' by rewriting the past as not so bad, or the victim feeling to blame, and sweeping things under the carpet.

Healing takes time and it takes as long as it takes. I think a lot of other posters are also speaking from their experience of trauma and abuse.

I see it as the feeling and expression of anger helps maintain or construct the boundaries, once the boundaries are solid then the scaffolding (the anger) is naturally not needed. But as anon says re 'pushing' you don't need to rush this aspect. I reckon so long as you aren't cultivating hate, then anger naturally subsides.

Keeping safe and feeling happy and free is what the OP can focus on and CELEBRATE! :) can we have a fireworks emoji?!!! will Cake do?! Star Star

facedontfit · 25/08/2017 16:09

YANBU

Original poster
thewintergirl · 25/08/2017 16:11

Thank you all who replied. I have not had counselling about this. However cutting contact with them has had such a positive effect and I feel in such a strong and good place that I wonder if might be able to think about doing it now.

OP posts:
Jux · 25/08/2017 16:12

The reason you feel so relieved and happy means it must be the right thing for you to do.

The reason they think you should have got over it is because they feel guilty.

How can anyone expect someone to get over a thing when it is so damaging and hurtful and such a betrayal, when there is no remorse from the perpetrators? No real change in behaviour or attitude?

You've done the right thing.

Beadieeye · 25/08/2017 16:14

I 100% identify with this.
Yanbu in fact you owe it to yourself and your children to cut toxicity out of your lives. Best of luck

AyUpMiDuck · 25/08/2017 16:15

Good for you OP - you now have the strength to see that she was not there to help you when you were at a low point and desperately needed her love and support.
YANBU.
You know you have done the right thing because you feel happy and liberated- yet you still need reassurance because it is such an unnatural thing to break that mother-daughter bond.
We often tolerate bad behaviour from blood relatives from a sense of duty but sometimes you just have to bail out.

We do not need toxic people in our lives.
Re letting her see your DC- watch out! See if you can ensure your DH is around to chaperone- if she is as toxic as my own DM she will spin them cruel stories about you and rewrite history.

lifeinthecountry · 25/08/2017 16:21

YANBU

ohfourfoxache · 25/08/2017 16:21

The relief from your initial post is just incredible. I can almost feel it. What a bloody awful time they've put you through Sad

NC is without a doubt what you need to stick to. But for the love of god, do not let her near your dc. Why the bollocks would you let her near them after what she did to you?

Stay strong, you sound in such a wonderful place now, don't let anything compromise that

MoosicalDaisy · 25/08/2017 16:23

She's taken no instead in her gc, that says it all really.

Primrose06 · 25/08/2017 16:27

Thewintergirl.
You must do what makes you happy and feel good.
You have been treated disgracefully. Sometimes the older generation wrongly focused on what others think.
Put the past behind you and focus on the present. I am so glad that you have found happiness and I wish you well.
Have you had councelling ?
You owe your mum and sister nothing
Once again wishing you all the very best.

ChilliMary · 25/08/2017 16:27

Some times, blood is definitely not thicker than water! Just because someone gave birth to you, so what? If they have treated you so very badly why would you want to be in any kind of relationship with them? . Make your happiness your number 1 priority and do what's right for you and your child. Your mother sounds horrible.

TeatimeForTheSoul · 25/08/2017 16:34

YANBU at all.
Just wanted to add my voice to all those supporting you in this. From your post they are saying it's dragging up the past, but it doesn't seem like the past. It sounds like ongoing behaviour which has never changed and gives no indication of changing. You are changing the situation by going NC.
I've experienced how going NC can be difficult, 20yrs NC with an abusive sibling. But I've found having to justify to family being NC, a few times a year upsetting but not nearly as bad as being constantly on my guard for the next attack. Just as you say like a massive weight has been lifted. This will never change in my case.
I hope the relationship gets better for you in the future, but for now, we'll done you for taking the piwerful step to protect yourself from thus behaviour!

WhoreOfBabyliss · 25/08/2017 17:15

Anyone that says you are dragging up the past is minimising this terrible situation, probably for their own ends. Remember the old adage, you can choose your friends but your family are thrust upon you. Stay out from under OP. I am NC with my awful abusive sister. It's been 12 years and it's amazing to be free of her tyranny by my own hand.

eggsandwich · 25/08/2017 17:19

I really feel for you, I would say keep your children as far away from that evil woman by going totally no contact and while your at it go no contact with your sister and dad who have sat back and watched you being treated so badly when you were at your most vulnerable.

I would then move on with your life but would also suggest you seek some counselling to help you see that none of this is your fault, and enjoy your new life with your children and Dh judgement free.