To feel annoyed at dps reaction?

[Gezzagirl]

It was a scary moment but my 14 year old dd, walked with a friend yesterday to meet another friend they met in a park and I said if she lets me know when in her way back I'll walk to meet her as was getting on for 7pm. Her phone died and I couldn't contact her and she couldn't contact me, I walked with dp and dogs to see if could see her, no joy so as it was starting to get dark I was worried so I drove round, nothing so I went round to one of her friends houses. The dad informed me that his wife was giving her a lift home as she didn't want to walk! I was relieved but also fuming as she never said anything about going to friends house and why did she go out with a phone nearly dead. When I got home she was in tears, I was fuming but then she told me she went to park to meet friend, she kicked a ball that was there which belonged to an 8 year old boy, not realising this the boy came over called her a slag a whore a cunt etc. Said he was going to beat her up. He was with a group of teenages smoking weed they were encouraging him to beat her up past him bottles to throw at her, were laughing and jeering and then the boy tried to set fire to her hair, luckily it didn't work. So she walked back with her friend and got a lift from there. We had a conversation about what to do if in future if phone dies, needs to remember my number and NOT to go out with only 10% battery. She was upset at her experience obviously and also upset that I was fuming to bigin with. I was debating whether or not to report it as sounded quite serious. Dp at this time was at football and went for a drink after, I let him know I had her and a bit of what happened. Had a drink we all calmed down and thanked my lucky stars she was home safe.

Dp came home (dds step dad) after a few drinks, filled him in with what happened, he ranted a raved for ages saying she needs to grow up, she's so stupid that girl, basically criticising everything she did. I said yes I know we've had the conversation explained I was fuming and she was crying but now I was glad she was home and we can have a better plan of action if a similar situation ever arises again. He still ranted, I was so defensive over her, he's entitled to his opinion. I told him to please leave it as I didn't want to get all upset again. Asked him if he enjoyed football and went on about what a good laugh it was , chatted to loads of people which silly but annoyed me because he was grumpy with me before went out and then I dealt with all this then he comes back ranting at me. I felt so emotionally drained last night. I needed him to come home, ask if we were ok how's dd now and give me a hug really not ranting at how stupid she is. Would you be annoyed?

Victim blaming mentality at its finest. Great parenting from a Father figure. Ask him, what difference would it have made had her battery been charged? What difference would it have made if she had ignored/responded differently? Predators are just that, they don't care how their victim reacts. Whether they were 8, 13, 17, 30.

OP I hope you called the police about last night and I hope you're considering showing your husband the door today. He's so out of order it's untrue. Is he critical of other aspects of her as well?

I don't understand why you focus on and blame her for the low battery. You can't phone someone in a similar situation, you have to shout or run or do whatever you can to flee. I hope you called the police today to report the assault. Take care of your daughter, she needs your love and support. Your husband sounds very selfish.

You should certainly report to police - throwing bottles? trying to set fire to her hair ? - she could have been extremely seriously injured, don't ignore this and let that happen to another child that these kids decide to pick on, and also your DD needs to know you are treating this with the seriousness it deserves, that you believe her and have her back. She must have been very frightened.

Your DP is victim blaming - he sounds awful, calling her stupid because she was attacked - he has shown you very clearly what he thinks of women. I wouldn't consider him fit to parent a teenage girl if that is his attitude, I'd tell him to shape up or ship out. (Actually I'd sling him, but you may want to give him a chance to redeem himself)

I think she handled it pretty well tbf. My phone often shows 40% battery and then dies. Not sure what your DH is on about. Calling her stupid is seriously unhelpful.

Sorry I meant DP

Yes the police have been informed and the reason the battery thing is important because she can't contact me, nothing to do with being attacked or not that would happen anyway but she needs to have a plan if this happens that's all. Yeh she did deal with it pretty well under the circumstances at least she didn't walk home! Was scary though. Not happy with dp at all, I wonder how he would of been if I reacted like that if it was one of his dds

Most people have had their phone die on them at some point, it's hardly the crime of the century! It happens.

Your DP's reaction was wrong, but you focused a huge amount on her phone as well. Even if she had her phone on her, getting it out while all that was going on wouldn't have been the smartest - it would probably have been taken and smashed or chucked somewhere.

I think in the circumstances she did the right thing - went to someone's house and got help. She was probably panicked and upset and not really thinking about ringing you, in all honesty.

Do you think your DP reacted like that because he was a bit worried or angry he couldn't be there to help her?

Sorry to me it's important she has a phone while out but I don't really care about that anymore I'm more annoyed at dps reaction, don't really care what his reason was I didn't like it!!!!!

I only mean the phone is important so I know were she is and can be contacted not to phone me when attacked but dps reaction, I'm trying to understand it he says he cares and that's why he reacted like that. I don't get it when on and on about the phone thing, how she should know my number off by heart, how she needs to smarten up, it just keeps ringing round in my head then he doesn't understand why I'd be upset .

Sorry to hear about what your DD has gone through. It will have shaken everyone, especially your DD. Good for you for reporting to police.

I would use this incident to talk with your DD about how to handle difficult situations in the future. (Not only potentially dangerous situations). Work out how she can help herself, think through various scenarios and responses, where she can safely go for help etc. Over reliance on phones is not good. Phones break, there are not spots and as she discovered, batteries run down. She needs to remember phone numbers, know how to use a phone box, understand about not spending every penny and to keep some money for getting home (bus, tube, tram, taxi). These things are her responsibility in return for enjoying privileges and freedoms she is allowed as she gets older.

When things have calmed down you need to have a chat with your DP. His response was thoughtless and at the very least, unhelpful. He needs to stop blaming her for what happened. She made have put herself in a vulnerable position or not. Shouting won't help her make better decisions next time. Yes, bad things can happen in parks after dark but they can also happen in broad daylight in a busy place.

I know, my daughter was assaulted on her way home from school, yards from our house moments after waving to me as I set off for work. It was 5pm on a busy road. She was 15 and in school uniform.

I would give him a chance to put this right. He may have reacted badly because it scared him. Just like when a small child goes missing. What parent doesn't yell at them when reunited out of sheer relief?

Yeh possibly machineBee he does over react sometimes though. Good advice too, so sorry to hear about your dd too. Awful world we live in x

She wasn't physically injured, but very shaken. It knocked her confidence for a while and that was the thing I was unexpectedly cross about. I never wanted my kids to be fearful and before it happened she was a very confident young lady. It took a lot of time for her regain her lovely attitude.

That would take a long time for her to get over, and you tbh. I hear about things happening to teenages in my dd school and you can get beaten up over the slightest thing outside school and it not a bad school or anything or a bad area, but it can happen anywhere even in a kids park it seems. I hope your dd gets her confidence back gradually x

She has. She's in her 30s now and married. She does get quite stressed about odd things that don't seem related, but I'm sure are in some way. It's like she's reluctant to trust her own feeling sometimes.

Victim blaming is wrong, but there were mistakes made here:

1. 14 yo was allowed out at night with a low battery. You should have checked it if you know she's irresponsible.

1. 14 yo was going to a park at night. I'd never allow my teenagers to do that, male or female. Parks are often a hot bed of crime at night even inncuous playgrounds. Friends should have met up at each others houses.

1. Your daughter needs self-defence classes. One of the first things you're taught is how to run away. She froze and in doing so gave those criminals an opportunity to try and set fire to her hair.

Do you think your Dh was maybe overreacting on purpose to scare her into not be so unthoughtful in the future with regards to phone? I think it sounds like he was really worried after the story of what happened. Glad she is ok, little sh*t of a child.

Nuttynoo I would hardly say 6.30 being night! Saying that I did feel slightly uncomfortable about it hence I arranged to meet her, there was an 8 year old boy there for god sake! Not a very nice though granted. She wasn't alone and her friends parents were ok about it. Those kids could of been there any time of the day so I think that's a bit unfair. Also they did get out of there and stuck together, so they did actually do the right thing. The phone thing your right I should of checked but then as people said, phones are unreliable so we should of had a better plan.

No I don't think dp was over reacting on purpose to scare her, he was having a go at me anyway not her she was in her room!

Sorry, but am I reading it right that in the middle of realising your 14 year old was missing, and out of contact, instead of staying to support you, your DP buggered off to the pub to watch football?

Yep had a great time apparently and then had a go at me when back. He did ring before he started though to check I'd found her which by then I knew were she was, so not too bad.

Blokes can react differently to women. My own DH is very relaxed about his kids as he has an approach to life that all will be well. I'm more anxious and imagine so many awful scenarios, but he is right and they have never yet come to fruition and I hope they never will. He wasn't disinterested, he just didn't think about the awfulness so much as you did perhaps? I would try not to dwell on the what ifs and when the right opportunity occurs have a proper chat about what support you expect from him in future instances.

He went to the pub while OP was fretting about not being able to contact her daughter - of course he's bloody disinterested!

From what OP says, his reaction would have been different if it was one of his DDs who was missing.

Is he always like this OP? I couldn't bear it.

Wtf?

She is 14 and should be fine to be at the park at 7pm.

The dd got out of the situation and found a way to get home safely. She did fine.

I was set upon by thugs who used a young lad to do their thuggishness when I was a teenager. I felt vulnerable and humiliated, not knowing if to hit back or run, I think she did well to negotiate her way out of that. I'm glad you are getting hold of the police, that's a confusing and shitty situation.

Your dp is a ranty asshole, I'd give him short shrift.

MachineBee, if the reason the dp buggered off to the pub is that blokes are so supremely relaxed (unlike us poor twittery women), then what becomes of his defence that he ranted because he was so scared?

I posted as OP was posting. I guess her DP was disinterested.