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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think this woman is being foolish?

31 replies

Anotherchangedname1 · 25/08/2017 11:54

My friend is moving with her partner for his job. She has already found a job there, but he will be earning a lot more. They plan to use her wage for living costs and his for luxuries/savings. I've advised her to make sure she has equal access to the savings in event of a split. She says she doesn't need to because she trusts him to be fair. AIBU to think she's being incredibly naive?

OP posts:
Papafran · 25/08/2017 11:57

Yeah. They should split living costs proportionately according to income. So if she earns 2/3 of what he does, she pays 2/3. Both of them should save individually in separate bank accounts. Yes, she would be an idiot if she spent all her wage on living for both of them and he saved all of his. Unless it's a joint account, she would have zero claim to it in the event of them splitting up.

Is she taking a paycut when she moves?

Original poster
Anotherchangedname1 · 25/08/2017 12:00

No, she has a minimum wage job so I suspect if anything she'll earn a bit more.

OP posts:
Anecdoche · 25/08/2017 12:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

glenthebattleostrich · 25/08/2017 12:05

She's a fool unless she has equal access to everything.

Original poster
Anotherchangedname1 · 25/08/2017 12:11

Anecdoche yes, basically. I've told her to either get a joint account, or ensure a proportionate amount of his wages are transferred to hers. She won't. I read on here about women leaving themselves in precarious financial positions, but I can't believe she's walking into it without seeing the dangers.

OP posts:
Original poster
Anotherchangedname1 · 25/08/2017 12:13

I know the boyfriend well. He isn't one to be easy parted from his cash. When he spends it he likes a lot of gratitude.

OP posts:
Cabininthewoods69 · 25/08/2017 12:13

So hard to tell someone when they are so wrapped up in someone but def split fairly and have own savings however small put away for emergancy

PollyFlint · 25/08/2017 12:14

Yes, that's a very odd and risky way of doing things. A much safer and fairer system would for them to split their living costs and rent/mortgage in proportion to their salaries and then have a joint savings account (or two separate ones if there's such an imbalance in their contributions that one of them could majorly lose out if they split).

At the moment, she is basically going to be supporting him while his money gets put away into an account she won't be entitled to access. She is incredibly naive.

If he was a genuinely trustworthy partner he would never have suggested this system, frankly. My DP earns more than me and he would never a million years suggest we ran our finances like this!

PollyFlint · 25/08/2017 12:19

Also, who exactly decides what a 'luxury' is and whether money gets spent on them? I suspect that will be him, not her. Hmm

trulybadlydeeply · 25/08/2017 12:23

Please urge her to be very, very careful, OP. What a person says and how they behave at the beginning of a relationship can be very different to how they are at the end. She's being incredibly naive to trust him to be fair.

Birdsgottafly · 25/08/2017 12:27

"He isn't one to be easy parted from his cash. When he spends it he likes a lot of gratitude."

So how has this worked up to now?

I've known a few relationships were it has worked ok,but the relationships have all ended before the Women were 30.

As you get older it gets harder to pick yourself up after a split and being left with no savings would be a stupid position to get yourself into.

She needs to be putting at least £10 a week away.

highinthesky · 25/08/2017 12:27

YANBU but is it worth risking your friendship over making a point? (Presumably as she'll be moving away you'll be seeing a lot less of her?). She's akin to the cow thats happy to be milked.

If you must point it out to her, do it in a slightly abstract fashion eg, "If you were my daughter, I'd be very worried..."

Flicketyflack · 25/08/2017 12:37

Has she asked for your advice?

Original poster
Anotherchangedname1 · 25/08/2017 12:39

I won't point it out to her again, I mentioned the point a couple of times and the second time she snapped at me about it, so I won't say anything more. Birds at the moment she rents a flat with her friend and he still lives at home with his parents. He flashes the cash now and then and takes her to expensive restaurants she can't afford, then spends the following weeks telling her how he always seems to be paying when they go out.

OP posts:
Gottagetmoving · 25/08/2017 12:42

She is being naive so YANBU.
You have told her your concerns for her and she isn't agreeing so you need to leave it at that. Some people have to learn the hard way.

misshannah · 25/08/2017 12:50

My partner and i opened a joint account for food, rent, bills, petrol, vet bills, dog food, etc and pay equal amounts in to cover those. We use our own money for date nights, take aways (taken in turn) and other little luxuries. We earn a similar amount, but even if we did not we would arrange it so it was 60/40 or 70/30 depending on salaries. we have a joint savings account as well for things like we're saving for a new mattress (things that affect the two of us and very little actually goes in here) but also have our own separate savings accounts.
I think your friend is being naive and probably feeling a bit overwhelmed. I'd suggest as sensitively as you can perhaps a joint account to cover living costs?

ButchyRestingFace · 25/08/2017 12:51

She says she doesn't need to because she trusts him to be fair

Yes.

But you know what they say, there's no fool like... a fool.

niknac1 · 25/08/2017 12:52

I would ask for joint savings account.

highinthesky · 25/08/2017 12:55

She'll learn when her love goggles slip off. As a pp said, the hard way.

Soci · 25/08/2017 12:56

YANBU, she is extremely foolish.

Original poster
Anotherchangedname1 · 25/08/2017 12:56

Indeed Butchy. I'm just scared for her that she's going to leave herself financially reliant and in a place where she doesn't know anyone. I've fallen victim to an abuser before so I'm hyper-sensitive to it happening to my friends. Hopefully I'm just projecting and they'll be happy.

OP posts:
Squarerouteofsquirrel · 25/08/2017 12:58

Most people unsurprisingly don't like being told what to do.

If I want to make a point, I would just casually drop in my own financial arrangements. Me and such a body pool our money this way joint back account for bills, etc it works well for us. Blah blah.. Then let then go away and ponder it. Telling someone they are being a fuckwit over a boyfriend, will not have the desired outcome you are looking for.

Walkingthedog46 · 25/08/2017 13:11

My friend had this arrangement with her partner. For ten years they lived on her salary while he paid their (very small) mortgage and banked the rest of his salary. When she gave up work to have their baby she discovered that he was as tight as a duck's arse. She had to go cap in hand for money and account for every penny.

WhingyNinja · 25/08/2017 13:13

Ugh. Yes, she's a damn fool.
Unfortunately she's a big girl and will probably learn the hard way when all her money is gone and he is squirrelling his away.

Being a tight arse is so unattractive in anyone!

WhingyNinja · 25/08/2017 13:14

'As tight as a duck's arse' is a brilliant expression. Your poor friend though, what an utter fucker.