Arrrrgh. OK.
DH's father is coming for lunch at the weekend and I already have a slight sinking feeling at the thought. He is a lovely, gentle, kind man. I do find him quite difficult to make conversation with, but that's only because we don't have much in common. He wouldn't hurt a fly, he's sweet and generous, and for all that I don't find him easy company I do respect him and feel affection for him.
But. His hygiene is, and has always been, grim. He simply doesn't shower or bathe so far as I can work out. He uses dry shampoo and nothing else for months on end, his hair is stuck down to his head with grease (it's definitely not product). I think he maybe wipes the crucial body parts with baby wipes or something and then uses deodorant? And he washes his clothes occasionally. It's not out-and-out armpit BO all the time, more this all-pervading sickly mustiness. Last time he got in our car I had to hush my older son from going 'URRH what's that horrible SMELL' - he thought it was something in the air outside the car, he didn't realise it was FIL.
His table manners are... not good. He ducks his head right down to his plate, eats fast with lots of lip-smacking and heavy breathing. And he burps with his mouth open. Admittedly I have a bit of a thing about eating noises anyway, but this is definitely not pleasant to be around.
We don't go to his house any more because it is too dirty and cluttered for the kids. I am no neat freak, quite the opposite, but it is squalid. There are pieces of furniture that can't be used for their intended purpose because of the clutter on them. His elderly dog has accidents that don't get cleaned up. Once I brushed my hand against the shower curtain in his bathroom and a layer of mouldy grot came off under my nails. Last time we were all there (before our now-toddler was born), my eldest asked to use the toilet and FIL looked slightly panicked and said it would probably be better not to. I don't even want to know what it was like in there.
He lives on his own and I'm sure this doesn't help. But equally I'm not sure anything we can do will make a difference. DH and his sister on a couple of occasions did a huge clean of the house with FIL's permission, and hired a cleaner to come in regularly. The mess crept back, the areas the cleaner could get into became smaller and smaller. Eventually FIL cancelled the cleaner. I think at one point in the past he was quite depressed, but the mess and poor hygiene long predate that period, and have continued even though he has been emotionally much better for years now. I'm sure he's overwhelmed by the idea of sorting it out but frankly so am I - we could spend our lives cleaning up for this grown man and he would still make no effort to maintain it. He's a bit unfit but he's not frail or sick. It's not physically beyond him to clean or carry out better self care. He just chooses not to. Ever.
I never really talk about this to anyone - I would feel very rude saying anything to FIL, and I don't want to hurt DH's feelings or make it difficult for him to see his dad. DH goes to the house sometimes, but the kids and I don't because it's not safe for the little ones. So we invite him round here instead. I cook for everyone and smile and am polite, and feel like a horrible person for being secretly grossed out by this otherwise nice man.
AIBU to be bothered by this? Is there anything I can do or say without being rude? Should I be doing more for him? I don't know whether to try and tackle any of it, or just carry on keeping quiet, or what.