To not want to always be thought of as lazy?

[NormaDesmondsEyebrows]

I've just come back from a week away with my parents. I do usuallly keep contact to a minimum that I can handle as my mother has form, but this was a holiday for the kids.

The holiday was at our friends' villa with a pool. Dh and I were very clear before we went that I would be mainly relaxing while he did lots of swimming with the kids, playing pool, table tennis etc. I obviously joined in at times but this was what we BOTH wanted from the holiday.

I have terrible mental health and have reached a good balance over the past year by knowing my limits, getting plenty of down time (alone time included) and generally looking after myself. My mum claimed to be totally on board with this.

During the week I made sure I kept everything tidy, prepared meals and cleared up and paid more than our share for meals out etc.

Throughout the week there were a few snipes, mostly 'banter' about how good DH is to me (he is!) and what a princess I am. When I was cleaning etc I got 'oh that makes a change'. Mum regaled our friends with tales of my slatternly ways, that all I do is watch tv all day while DH slaves (not true!), that I'm lazy and would be better off getting a job (categorically not true). That my house is a constant mess (it's not, but my mother is totally anal about cleaning and tidying). By the end of the week our friends had started to join in, one night I said at dinner (late) that I was looking forward to bed and our host said quite pointedly that I needed to wash up first as mum had helped cook. I would have done anyway, so it stung a bit and I'm sure came from my mum needling.

On the flight out I sat with the younger kids and dh sat behind. On the way back he asked if he could sit with them so I sat across the aisle. Cue a tirade from my mum about how I've done no parenting all week and now I'm palming it off again.

All the way home her 'banter' morphed into out and out slagging, apparently I wasted two whole days because I was hungover. This is absolutely not the case, they were days following 'big' days, one a party and one a morning walking round a very busy market before walking into the village and having a long meal before walking back. Yes I was drinking, probably not as much as everyone else tbh, but I wasn't hungover. I was wiped out and so I had two restful days but I still participated, I just took time out in the afternoons to sit and read and sleep. Which is exactly what we'd explained I'd be doing to avoid a horrible crash.

There's more along the same lines but this has got very long already.

When we got home my lovely MiL had taken several loads of dirty washing to their house, washed it, ironed it, and brought it back (they were in feeding the cat) and I just lost the plot. MiL meant it kindly but it just tipped me over.

Is there any way I can stop people thinking I'm lazy? I have been called lazy my entire life by my mother in particular, but also my whole family and family friends, and despite my best efforts to prove I'm not, nothing ever changes.

Don't go with them again.

I am deliberately lazy on holiday, I never cook, what would be the point of a holiday where I run around like I do at home? I love lazy holidays.

You need to step aside from your mum's version of yourself and calmly assert who you are 'no, I'm not lazy mum, I'm having a rest' rinse and repeat and don't spend too much time with her. Enjoy your own family.

araiwa I think that is unfair - if OP is shouldering most of the home management while OH works long hrs when it comes to holiday she is entitled to take a bit of a back seat on Holiday. It sounds like OP was doing stuff on holiday but not hovering waiting for people to finish a drink or meal to immediately start washing up.

There is a generation of women that have waited hand and foot on people in families and are bitter about it and constantly think women today have it easy (god alone knows why) and nit pick those not doing what they would do it really winds me up. I do not iron other than for weddings and special occasions. But I do 95% of everything else. You go on holiday for a break not to run round waiting on others.

OP your Mum was entirely unreasonable and should be told that in my view. She makes sweeping assumptions and should be told that. SHe is toxic as others have said. My own Mum sometimes does similar but I get firm and hand it right back toher. e.g. My DD has some veruccas, we have had a go at home treatments after two trips to the Drs where no action was recommended. She was reeming me out about it following a recent visit to them and my sister (who even having terrible feet herself is weird about veruccas and has a thing about them) and was saying I should go and have them frozen out blah blah blah. I just turned round and said if that was the case would not the G have said that and also that I thought the freezing was cruel particularly for children as it causes deep pain and that I would not be exposing C to that. We have started treatment of the one that occasionally bothers her but really generally its none of her business and is up to me and C to manage. At the point I said we have seen the GP she should have butted out and without saying that I got my point across - I got a cats bum face but it really is none of her business

If everyone has been calling you lazy for many years then maybe you are a bit? I'm lazy and wish I could change.

Ive had that situation too.
I have ME and can't do as much. DH has no other choice that step up and do his fair share if the work (aka. 50% of the work).
I also have to be careful about pacing so would be knackered after a long day etc etc.

And yes people assume that DH is a fantastic husband and father because he is seen doing things, things with his dcs (the ones that are fun and enjoyable for him, not sorting our uniforms), things needed in the house such as hoovering (but that still only amount to half of what needs doing).
That's because it is assumed that men DO NOT do housework or look after the dcs. It's still a woman's job regardless of the particular situation, incl ill health (mental or physical).

I think you will have to find a assertive way to tell your mum that her comments are out of line. You have found your balance within your relationship, something that works both for you and your DH. That's the important part. For the rest, her shaming you, making constants digs and judging isn't welcome and you need to tell her that.

Fwiw I found that book on shame and inadequacy really helpful to put into word WHY that sort of comment is so hurtful and how to express it. Maybe this will help you too.

Your first error was going away with hypercritical people who don't care about your health in the first place. But you've realised that.
Don't do that again.
Go by yourselves, so you can do exactly what suits you all without external lemon-sucky lip-pursers putting a downer on things.

And for the love of god go low contact with your extremely toxic mother, who, if she actually cares about your well-being, does a remarkably good job of NOT showing it.

Why do so many people seem to think that you are lazy?

Is it because they are just parroting your mum or because you don't go out to work?

The "problem" is that you seem to care about what they think-stop.

The only way to show youre not lazy is by doing stuff and not being lazy.

So does that mean that any time someone offers the OP an unsolicited opinion of her level of activity, she has to work her arse off to prove them wrong? On her holidays too? Is she only allowed a rest when every arsehole with an opinion is satisfied she's done enough?

Your mother is being horrible, OP, for whatever reason. Imagine it was your own adult child who had mental health issues, you'd go on holiday with them hoping they would have a good restoring rest, you wouldn't spend the entire time needling them and ruining their holiday. You can't change your mother's behaviour, you can't stop her making comments, but you can make sure she doesn't get the chance again. Make that the last holiday you spend with her. According to her that should be a massive relief for her anyway as she won't have to come with you and do soooo much housework for you

I've noticed that some mothers of adult children do seem to fixate on a particular thing and decide that this is what defines their offspring and it will never change. My mother, for example, is convinced that I am some sort of extravagant spendthrift shopaholic and mentions this (admittedly not in a horrible way, just jokingly) literally every time I see her, often in front of other people. The fact is that I'm not, and have never been, like this, but she has decided that I am and won't be told otherwise.

It's always hard to know from posts like this whether the OP is being a bit over-sensitive or the mother is genuinely being bitchy. Without knowing your mother's tone or actually being there, it's hard to tell whether what she was doing was nasty or just standard mum/family teasing. I was a bit surprised that your MIL doing some washing for you (which clearly was just a nice gesture) sent you over the edge and as you say, you've had to work hard at looking after your mental health, so maybe you are a bit more sensitive than you'd usually be at the moment? Do you honestly think your mum is being pointedly nasty/angry, or is she just teasing? (I realise teasing is annoying as well, but the intent behind it, at least, is different.)

Btw, inhate this expression 'lazy'.
What does lazy means?? Is sunbathing lazy because you are supposed to be running around with your dcs all day long (incl teenagers who should be perfectly ok looking after themselves?)? Or is lazy because the OP, as a woman, stayed sunbathing whilst her DH did stuff with his dcs?
If the situation had been the other way around and the DH had been resting and lounging whilst the OP did all the cooking, cleaning and entertaining the dcs, would anyone saybthat the DH is lazy? I doubt it. People would say that he was entitled to his rest!!

And then, is it lazy to do little because you can't physically be doing more? I mean do you expect someone with cancer who is tired to be running around and not 'resting' because otherwise it would be lazy? Again, I doubt it.
But the OP 'only' has MH issue to its all fair play to say that her being physically unable to do some stuff or to be looking after herself is just being lazy.....

Seriously, I wish people would think twice about what they say/write.

We are NOT talking about someone who has decided to do as little as possible. The OP is someone who is doing as much as she can within her own capabilities. And that is NOT being lazy.

The thing is, I'm only 'lazy' because I don't do things my mum's way. I don't iron, I rarely do 'crafts' with the kids (this is a weird one because neither did she, but she does with the GC), I don't get up at 6am to hoover before everyone else is up (although I do get up at 6am to make DH's breakfast and sarnies...), if I'm too tired or cba to do a chore I'll leave it until later.

But I keep our house and family ticking over, I worked FT until a couple of years ago. I do all the decorating and gardening, I volunteer in the community and at school. I spend lots of time with the kids and dh doing things for them and with them.

But if she is to be believed I do literally nothing. She paints a picture of me as some fat lazy housewife who watches tv all day. And it bites.

OP, I sympathise, I've been called lazy because I don't iron DH's shirts or have dinner on the table every night when he gets in. Never mind that we both work full time, he gets home earlier than me, 3 or 4 nights a week I'll have bunged something in the slow cooker and he's perfectly happy, as am I, with the 50/50 split of chores. If one of us is poorly then the other picks up the slack, and that works both ways. Apparently that's not good enough for some people, and I should be taking on the wifework, because that's what the generation before did.
Nope. I know what happens in my house works for us, and it sounds like you're the same. If it works for you and DH, then it's of no concern to anyone else. I'm with pps, ignore ignore ignore, blank face when she tries to make a barbed comment, or even leave the room half way through her comment - you're not obliged to be polite to people who aren't polite to you. Her friends don't sound much better. And never allow this holiday thing to happen again. Keep it to you, DH, and the dcs. Holidays are for relaxing, and I certainly spent days lazing and reading in mine, as did DH - as long as there's one parent around who's 'on call' if you like, then the dcs will be fine. They don't need activities 24/7 either, down time is beneficial to everyone.
Hope your MH issues aren't too bad as a result of this

Polly when teasing is hurting the other person, then it's not teasing anymore. It's being critical and not nice.

The person on the receiving end is NOT been oversensitive because it's normal that everyone reacts to different things or comments an situation in a different ways. If anyone should be changing what they do is the person doing the teasing because they are hurting another person. And that is never a good thing to do.

The one thing that stands out for me is that the fact the comments were hurtful has never been addressed by the OP. Hence the fact the friends also ended up joining. The idea that it wasn't on because it was hurtful to the OP was never raised IMO.

How old are the children? Do you have time for yourself while they're at school everyday?
To an outsider it would look like you're lazy when you have more free time than most people do.

Now you're back, could you have a conversation with her about it? I'd want to know why she wanted to make me feel shit, and show me up in front of others.

You're absolutely entitled to relax on holiday, your husband was looking forward to, and enjoying his time with the kids, he wasn't some put upon martyr!

I'd do something nice for mil though, what a lovely thing for her to do

Love stop feeling the need to justify yourself to us here or in RL!

If you and dh are happy then it's no other buggers business.

Holiday just yourselves next time.

Firstly give DM a wide berth. It is not acceptable to carry on like this.

That should give you the space to sort yourself out. Are the comments hurtful if there was an element of truth to them? And if there wasn't, why didn't DH and friends air their disagreement directly with your DM rather than letting it continue? It only continued because you didn't nip it in the bud in the first place.

I say this as a firm believer in God. And God did not put me on this planet to do unnecessary housework.

Your mother is full of shit and so is anyone on here tutting about how you probably are lazy. I'm sorry you had this experience and yes, the best thing to do is to limit contact with your mum (it's unlikely she'll change much). Definitely have a conversation with your husband about it so you are both on the same page about how to handle your mum's toxicity and he knows what to expect and how much her needling can effect you.

If you feel capable, you could try developing a silvery, tinkling laugh every time your mum makes one of these comments and start going on "oh mum you're such a scream! I wish I'd inherited your sense of humour. I just love your wild exaggerations, you're so funny" etc. but I have to admit I wouldn't be able to carry it through!

It's a shame your friend began joining in. I would see less of your mum, if you and your DH are happy and the children are well cared for, it's none of her business.

Wo now.

This is bang out of line and has actually made me very angry for you.

DM is being VU and frankly her behaviour is toxic.

You say that you planned your holiday in the manner which you did because of your mental health. You and DH have put in place coping mechanisms to ensure that you stay on a level playing field and everyone has an enjoyable time.

This is not about you being lazy at all. I suffer from issues with my mental health and know that there are days where I will have to put strategies in place to protect myself. This is exactly what you were doing.

Your DM needs to get with the programme or you need to get her out of your life.

Thanks for understanding.

I've actually spent the best part of the last three or four years bouncing in and out of hospital, with several suicide attempts and breakdowns. It's only in the last year that the fog has lifted, and only with a lot of hard work from both me and dh.

So it's quite serious, and not just a case of me being a bit precious and taking to my bed. I don't understand at all why my mother thought any of her jibes were appropriate.

Just tell them all to fuck off

Hully! I could just kill them, I suppose.

Do it

Seriously, if you and your dh are happy with the arrangements you make it is absolutely fuck all to do with anyone else.

And your mother is vile.

Um have the people who agree OP is lazy not read that she has MH issues? Would you say to someone with a serious physical illness that they are being lazy by not running round waiting hand and foot on everyone? Just because MH isn't visible, it is no less debilitating and taking time out to relax is not lazy, it is part of self-care. Sometimes it's the best thing in order to avoid feeling like shit or being medicated.
As for friends saying you should do the washing-up, get to fuck. You should have accidentally pushed them in the pool.

If you don't work (like me) then going on holiday can just be re-labelled as a business trip. Because you don't actually get a break for your day to day routine of housework and cooking and looking after the children.

Dh works full time I have been a SAHM for 12 years. Boys are now 14 and 11. I do all housework, cooking, shopping, cleaning, everything but then I am well for about 90% of the time. The times I am not well (fatigue) then things slide. Nobody dies, I just don't hoover that day.

I am never going to lie on my death bed and think, boy I wish I had done more housework.

On holiday Dh even refuses to hire a car. He wants to be totally looked after, not by me, but by staff. That way we don't clean or cook but we enjoy time with the children as a family. He likes to be chauffeured around in taxis.

Isn't a holiday supposed to be about relaxing and taking a break from it all?

Ignore your Mother, nothing will ever be good enough. You have to accept that you are good enough for you and your family and that is all that matters.