Undermining parenting

[Notwittyenough]

My DD is 2 and has never been the greatest sleeper. She wakes up and cries a bit, often just wants a quick cuddle but sometimes seems genuinely distraught and takes ages to calm back down.

I have always done the majority of the night stuff since she was born. DH will help if asked but rarely off his own back. She was up the other night, I went to her have her a quick cuddle, found her misplaced stuffed bunny and she went back to sleep. She woke up again a bit later (she normally only wakes the once, waking twice is out the ordinary) so I asked DH if he would mind going in to her.

He goes in and DD is quite distressed crying and shouting for me. I leave him to it and eventually it sounds like she is going back to sleep. Shortly after that she wakes again and starts crying. I decide to get up and see if I can help. This is where it all goes wrong. When I go in he gets really angry and storms out telling me not to ever ask him to help again and he refuses to talk anymore about it. The next day he has a massive go at me saying that he only ever gets to deal with the shitty stuff, he was just getting her to calm down (didn't sound like it) and that by going in I was undermining him as a parent. I apologised and said I hadn't thought about it from that point of view, I just wanted to help. If it had been the other way round I would have been in there silently begging for him to come in.

This was a couple of days ago, he still hasn't forgiven me as apparently I have done nothing to deserve it. I have also been getting an earful of every other reason I am ruining his ability to parent (cuddling too much amongst other things)

So anyway, was ibu to go in to help?

Ywnbu he sounds like an arse.

YWNBU.
You also WNBU to leave a lot more of the parenting stuff to him to do too, since he wants to so badly.

It's hard to say if YWBU under the circumstances but it doesn't matter. You apologized and your DH is being a dick for refusing to let it drop. That said, it sounds like he's harboring some fairly deep resentment about his role in parenting. That definitely needs to be addressed, but in a calm way over a glass of wine once he gets over this particular event.

Yes, I do think you need to back off and let him find his own way with DD. You now know that he isn't sending silent prayers for you to come in. He has got a backlog of things to tell you about how he feels marginalised. And if this example is typical, he's got a point.

But he's not making the point effectively by the way he's acting up about it.

Can you find a babysitter and go out together, and actually talk about how you are parenting, clear up the misunderstandings and go forwards more as a team?

So he's caused a big fight with you, blaming your actions, with the result that he's not doing any more night time parenting! What a chancer!

NU!

Poor you!

Not many people actually discuss what their expectations about role sharing are before a child comes along. That's not a criticism nor is it remotely surprising: how can you plan for something so unknowable? Many people just fall into roles and are content with it, but as this has happened, it offers a golden opportunity to have a solid conversation about it as kinkyfruits suggests.

Do you and DH even know what each other expect? Or want? Or don't want? It might be there are things you really don't want to have to do that he would be content to. There might be things one of you would love to do that the other one would be completely content with relinquishing.

You never know: this could end up being really positive!

He was tired and stressed and I'm sure you can see why he felt it was undermining or patronising, even if it wasn't your intention.

My children are much older but I still remember feeling upset when they expressly wanted DH as opposed to me.

I took significantly less time off with DS2. DH took a 2 year sabbatical and, as I was working, he did most of the night time stuff. I felt left out and again, can empathise with the frsutration when you want to be able to settle your child but a) are less sure what to do b) they want the other parent.

I think he was being unreasonable but I understand why.

Ok thanks guys, I realise I should have left him to it. My main problem (and I'm not trying to drip feed, I just wanted to get some opinions without this extra bit) is the fact that he says he wants to parent, but rarely does. Whenever I ask him to do something there is a list of reasons why he can't. I ask him to out her to bed, he is in the middle of something else, has other stuff that needs to be done. He is always giving her chocolate and stuff and I ask him not too, but he holds that against me on the rare occasions I give her something - like he can't tell why an occasional treat is ok but I get upset with him when it's every day. I just get fed up with having to ask for everything all the time, and to now be told that I never let him be a parent when I am constantly asking for just that is too much

You shouldn't have to be asking. That IS exhausting as it means that essentially, you are having to take responsibility for everything.
You need some ground rules: some areas for which he is solely responsible, albeit he can ask you for help.
Why not start with one evening where you can go to see a friend, take a run, rest your eyes or something? Make it clear, that does not mean that he can simply leave all the tasks to be done by you the next day!

Ah - the lazy bastard who is canny enough to make their laziness 'your fault'. A short time dealing with a crying baby and he;s decided 'fuck this - it's hard work' and very neatly told you he's not doing it again.

He sounds like a horrible man child, who is jealous of your relationship with your DD, - he wants all the perks of parenthood without doing any of the hard work. He needs to wise up, get off his arse and do some of the donkey work, then he'll get the cuddles and closeness -because your DD will realise he is her parent too - at the moment she probably thinks he's just some randomer !