To feel angry with my sister's husband

[Eeyorecc]

He can be ok but treats her like a doormat. He basically does whatever he wants all the time, never helps out with anything or checks she's ok with the kids and she's so scared of upsetting him that she never says anything. We are all away on holiday with some friends and she made a very mild comment last night about him going off to a pub in another town with a friend without letting her know while she was looking after all the kids on the beach. (This sort of thing happens often). He sent her a very nasty text message this morning and then left the holiday home and has only just returned at 2:30am. She has been beside herself with worry and I'm furious on her behalf and don't feel that I can speak to him in the morning.

Her circus her monkey. As much as I understand you wish to support her, there is very little you can do unless she feels able and willing to stand up for herself and challenge his behavior. All you can do is be there for her and express to her that you are concerned.

YANBU though.

Yanbu, my dsis husband is a dickhead too but I've had to button it as she won't entertain the notion of the alternative

Has she said anything to you about the way he treats her? Even a hint that she's not happy? Until she does there's nothing you can really do other than drop very mild, very subtle hints that she deserves better when she says the least thing criticizing him.

She's in an abusive relationship. She probably knows it but isn't ready to take that step yet. It's important that you maintain a relationship with her as best you can so when the time comes she'll feel comfortable calling you for help.

She often talks to myself and a friend about being upset about his behaviour but never says anything to him because she gets so stressed when he behaves like this. He has no empathy, cannot see that he has done anything wrong ever and always twists things to make her feel like it is her fault for upsetting him if she mentions how she feels. It's frustrating watching this and makes me want to tell him how unreasonable he is.

Are they up yet and how is the atmosphere?

It's really hard as she needs to be the one to say he is unreasonable
Bite your tongue for now (as presume he does not she has shown you the text?) and be there for her when she needs it

If he did something awful in front of me though I would probably have to comment though!

Sounds like he is a manipulative dickhead.

Tread carefully OP. The last thing you want to do is bad mouth him because if he starts the 'you friends and family dont like me' rubbish and you've been slagging him off (however well intnetioned), it could keep her there.

Listen to her when she's upset, support her & remind her that you are there for her whenever ahe wants to talk. That way when she realisea/decides to leave she knows she can come to you.

I was your DSis, although my now ExH didn't go off. He hung around to make me and then my youngest DD as miserable as he could. A holiday with my DSis and her family showed her how bad things had become and she gently helped me realise that he was being abusive. It took a couple years before I was actually able to leave him.

Just be there for your DSis. If he behaves badly in your presence, a comment from your DP may give him pause for thought (that's what my BIL did and it helped a bit while on holiday). Otherwise, try to avoid too much criticism because she'll become defensive.

He sounds a prick but stay out of it OP.
No-one ever really knows other people's relationship dynamics

Don't confront him in case he takes it out on your sister when you're not there or tries to stop her seeing you in future.

My local police are running a campaign about domestic abuse based on on the walking on eggshells feeling. Do you think you sister realises how bad it is and that it's not her, it's him?