To explode with sadness about my Mother WIBU to go no contact?

[fuckofffamilyforever]

Very shaky and my head feels like it's exploding I have been trying for years but STILL cannot comprehend why I'm so meh and unlovable according to my mother.

We've been getting on for the last few years alright. Everything's alright as long as I remember to not show my fears or worries or depression. I get it that I'm shit company when I'm depressed I really do but I feel like I'm going mad because I don't even feel depressed as such, I have a lot of huge problems at the moment with my health. Talking on the phone I start to feel very depressed and worthless and so, so humilated and ashamed to be me

How do you go no contact without a big, bitter row?

I am so lonely, I don't have freinds or other close family.

I am so heartbroken and embarrassed that my mother couldn't give a shit about me, it's so obvious to everyone else no wonder everyone thinks I'm a pathetic joke. I withdraw from people rather than admit how unloved I am so I don't have to watch them be shocked and repulsed by me.

I hate being this way what can I do? Go nc? What else?

Therapy never worked before I don't even understand the concept I mean how can talking to someone change anything in me?

Hi OP, there is so much in your OP that I want to reply to. I can relate to a lot of the things you are hinting at.

Therapy really can help. It helped me anyway, when working through some very complex and confused feelings towards my mother. It helps not so much by talking it through; it helps because a therapist will offer you a space to live out some of the conflicts you are feeling. They can also help you to start distinguishing between your own voice, and your mother's voice.

In my case I really struggled to tell the two apart, so that my mother's critical attitude towards me became the dominant way in which I thought about myself. During therapy, I worked on developing a stronger voice which was my own, and which was much Kinder towards me and who I was.

You don't give much detail about your relationship so I can only suggest finding a good therapist and seeing them for a good amount of time. It took me 4 years but it was the best investment I ever made!

I have no experience of this at all but I just wanted to say that if your mother does or says things to make you feel that you are meh and unlovable then there's something very wrong with her. You know that on some level hence thinking of going no contact. And kudos to you for being able to see that even when you feel so low. It's not you - it's her.

You sound like you have your troubles atm but the way your mother makes you feel is a reflection of her failings not yours.

I'm sorry I don't have more practical advice. I know lots of people on here have gone the Nc route (discussion on the stately homes thread if you want to share where you are at with people who have experienced this) but I just wanted to underline the point about your mother's issues.

Hope you find some good support and strength on your journey.

Thank you LittleBirdBlues. I'm very glad to hear you were helped by therapy. Did you have the same therapist for all your time in treatment?

Sounds silly maybe but I have a question, to you as someone who has also had some awful feelings about the mother-daughter relationship; what is it like now for you? If you have let go of a big chunk of the relationship with your mother, what was left?

Did it feel hard and lonely and like you were grieving for a while?

How do you even grieve for things like this. I fucking thought I was over it, thought I was ok.

Now I feel vulnerable though because I'm sick, I have nobody, I'm left thinking wtf will I do if the worst happens and I end up very ill and need major ops? My mother will be cool and distant and leave me to figure it out alone.

Yes, I did have the same therapist throughout. It was important for me ad it took me a long time to build trust and feel comfortable around her.

I have a pretty good relationshio with my mother now, but my boundaries are very clear. Whenever she makes me feel small, or when I notice that she is being manipulative (she is doing it without consciously wanting to I'm sure, but it is no less damaging), I simply stop interacting with her. I am able to day things like: 'you sound really upset and stressed about something, but it has nothing to do with me. If you want to talk about what's wrong call me again but don't project your frustrations into me'

Sometimes that means that we won't talk for a while because she is angry or upset with me. But I honestly don't feel hurt about it anymore because I know that it had nothing to do with me.

This attitude had actually enabled our relationship to improve. I know where I stand. She knows that there are lines she can not cross. We talk about stuff we share a passion about, like cooking. It's fun. I would never turn to her when I'm feeling low or insecure though. Tut that's ok.

Feel free to ask more questions. I will answer tomorrow

Thank you LittleBirdBlue. When you say: "I would never turn to her when I'm feeling low or insecure though." I can really relate to that.

I get caught out though with mine. I can't explain it, it's so confusing. Even though I don't now turn to her as such, but if I'm in any way honest about what I'm feeling it's a disaster.

BackingVocals thank you so much for your reply. Logically I do know it says more about my mother's own issues than mine but I just can't believe it My father never wanted to know me either (found him in my teens and I tried for a few years) so it feels like it's me that's the common denominator.

I'm so ashamed and sick I can't really explain how mortifying it is, it's like you're born and get one shot at life, and basically as soon as I was born I fucked it all up and made my parents not love me. I feel so humiliated I wasn't a good enough baby to inspire proper love. And so sad because we only get one go at life and I'm so aware of all the parental love I missed, and how it's given me such a screwed up idea of what relationships are.

The only thing is I'm better at relationships nowadays I am very careful. Friendships not so much, I am so lonely.

I'm really hearing your sense of shame that it's you . It's just so simple and so amazing how much human babies respond to love and how our entire self worth is tied up with having been loved.

you have obviously parented yourself to a degree. Spotted that your mother harms you, worked out for yourself how to manage relationships, identified that you are now a bit stuck and need some help.

Please be a good kind parent to yourself and look after yourself as you would your loved child by finding a therapist who can help you work through all this. You sound lovely and deserve some care and attention.

Would going v v v low contact be easier for you than no contact
?

No baby ever asks to be born. It is the duty of the parents to love, nurture and protect their children as well as they are able. The parents are after all the only reason this child exists. If your mother wasn't willing or able to do that then she is the one who failed, absolutely not you.

Depression is a horrible thing. It's like having the meanest person sitting in your brain, sticking their hobnobbed boots where it hurts the most. Sometimes you need to protect yourself from further injury. If you feel that your mother is harming you more than anything else, then perhaps it would be good to take a break for some time and reassess at a later date when you are feeling less vulnerable.

I hope you get the help you need for this. And people are listening here if you need it.