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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Cooking dinner for my date! Help!

35 replies

Confused009 · 23/08/2017 21:17

Hey guys
Need some advice yet again regarding cooking dinner for date it's our fifth date. I really do like him and I feel we are well suited.

I'm pretty sure he is into me as he tends to arrange the next date and on the last we were at his place had coffee in town and walked holding hands together.

So now it's my turn to entertain at home and I'm cooking. But I've already started to have doubts in that I'm pretty sure he is still dating other people ie exclusive to me and I'm worried that cooking for him might be showing too much effort and interest. I feel like I should make more effort to date other people myself...

OP posts:
Original poster
Confused009 · 23/08/2017 21:18

Sorry should read not exclusive to me

OP posts:
Mrscropley · 23/08/2017 21:18

If that's you dd then get a take away - you will likely poison the poor bloke. .

TheFifthKey · 23/08/2017 21:20

Ok. Well I would say cooking on a fifth date is fine by the sort of timeline I'd usually work on. Fairly casually though, not all candles and beef wellington.

I wouldn't start dating other people at this point, but if you're not sure he wants to be exclusive with you, why not make an effort to plan lots of things with friends? If he wants to go out on a night you already have something planned, you just say you're already busy and arrange something on your timetable. Not for game playing sale, just to make sure your life is full enough without him and he's a nice extra. Plus it stops him from seeing you as a"fallback" girl.

SaucyJack · 23/08/2017 21:22

Don't play silly beggars is my advice.

If you want to cook dinner, then invite him round.

Why dick about dating other people?

LellyMcKelly · 23/08/2017 21:26

Keep it simple. Steak, rocket and baby spinach salad with cherry plum tomotoes and Parmesan shavings, some fresh bread such as a Tiger baguette, and some good butter. Strawberries and cream for afters. Coffee and some After Eights if you want to push the boat out. Bottle of red wine. Job done. Takes 15 minutes. I did this for my DP the first time I cooked for him, and he still maintains it was the best meal he ever had.

Original poster
Confused009 · 23/08/2017 21:29

All friends soo busy and married! Not sure what you mean by silly beggars I do thoroughly intend to cook just don't want to look like the overly invested one as if you see from my previous threads I question his ability to commit!

I understand he has been dating for a while and even a friend of mine also doing OLD recognised his profile from last year!

I'm just thinking of making an effort to "appear" busy even if I am not actually dating though I just want to keep my options open

I guess the next question is how does one know when they are ready to commit and date exclusively? Sorry so new to this and out of previous long term relationship

OP posts:
milliemolliemou · 23/08/2017 21:31

Cook dinner - make it simple and no candles. But why not invite other people around or arrange to go out with them afterwards if that's possible (not always in the countryside/no buses/taxis). So it's not a commitment from you or him and you can see how it goes? If you have any reservations for heaven's sake don't sleep with him.

If he is seeing other people you will find that out - but don't go out with other people just to play the same game though nothing wrong with keeping on making friends of both sexes. And if you ever get that far, safe sex. Just in case he's a player and a numptie.

arethereanyleftatall · 23/08/2017 21:33

I couldn't be even arsed with these games. Maybe I'm too old. If you like him, go for it. If you don't, don't.

SaucyJack · 23/08/2017 21:46

"Not sure what you mean by silly beggars I do thoroughly intend to cook just don't want to look like the overly invested one"

It's just dinner matey. Perfectly normal stuff. He's not gonna take it as a marriage proposal.

You can't control his behaviour or his intentions, but you can make it as easy or as complicated as you like from your end.

You want to see this particular guy? Invite him round. Why go waste your time looking for options if you like the one in front of you.

Original poster
Confused009 · 23/08/2017 23:11

Thanks saucy I get what you mean I guess I am just concerned about his track record which I guess I know very little about

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Bobbiepin · 23/08/2017 23:19

Confused that's the point of dating, to get to know people! Stop playing games, cook something you know you can cook, open a bottle and talk to the man!

And for the love of god come back and tell us how it went!

Original poster
Confused009 · 23/08/2017 23:32

I know I know I'm sorry just that most of the guys are actually not very good and here is a really decent one to me and so I feel the pressure to make it work?

But of course I'm well aware I have no control over that

OP posts:
Sancerresanwine · 24/08/2017 00:36

Op old is hard sometimes!

Best advice is... if it's not fun, stop.

If you don't feel comfortable asking him about what else he is doing, ask yourself why that is, and follow your gut. Feel no pressure to make it work. Just move on.

Read the potted version of the bitches rules to dating
Read you weren't that into him either
Don't sleep with him if you haven't developed trust and good communication as it will do your head in.

Finally, as others have said, cook something you know you can cook, open a bottle, drink it slowly and get to know the man! Best of luck xx

Original poster
Confused009 · 24/08/2017 07:39

Thanks for all the replies will definitely be taking the advise of cooking something familiar and simple and just getting to know him! No candles

To be honest maybe I'm being paranoid as he is saying the right things for instance he did suggest that he would book a romantic spa weekend holiday and he also suggested meeting his family

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TheNaze73 · 24/08/2017 08:13

Go for it OP.

If 5 dates in to a new relationship, somebody was cooking for me, I'd think, that's nice, food what a great idea, not she's over invested. It wouldn't enter most men's heads, to think that.

PennyTentiary · 24/08/2017 08:15

Don't feel any pressure to "make it work" with anyone. This part should be fun! There are loads of shit blokes but there are also loads of really good ones. Keep it fun and light. And take note of what he does rather than what he says.

Hendersonsisnotrelish · 24/08/2017 08:17

Hmm do you know he is still dating others or are you assuming? Because that makes a difference. Dating others and suggesting meeting parents seems strange to me.

Some men are odd! I went on a first date once where I was taken out for drinks with his dad and dads gf. The whole extended family turned up Confused
They were fun so I didn't really mind even went back to his dads for cheese on toast and stayed over, no funny business.

The next date he came to mine planning on staying over. Walked in and ran himself a bath, very over familiar. I cooked a lovely meal of lamb shanks because it was an excuse to cook something nice. I was living on my own in new city so rarely bothered. No sex but spent evening cuddled up on sofa watching a film. He stayed all seemed fine.

We didn't see each other again and he later told me it was the meal that has scared him off. He thought it meant I wanted serious commitment. I didn't I was 25 and having a ball!

Long story short some men might read a bit too much into a meal so if you're wary keep it simple!

5rivers7hills · 24/08/2017 08:20

You need to have the "shall we go exluisove" chat

Whataboutmee · 24/08/2017 08:20

I wouldn't personally cook for anyone these days but if absolutely necessary, pizza in the oven and a bag of salad, wine, and a dessert to share. That's your lot.

Neutrogena · 24/08/2017 08:22

Takeaway curry so you can spend more time in bed/couch/shagging

StatueInTheSky · 24/08/2017 08:24

hmmm, I'd just be wary that cooking at home is a big flag leading the relationship to the bedroom in his mind. Obv if you have already covered that particular activity then that's fine, but if not is that going to be an undercurrent?

I know I'd feel a meal "at home" (his or yours) as a much more significant evening. I am very very old though and well out of the dating scene!

LanaDReye · 24/08/2017 08:28

How do you feel about multidating?

Personally I am not keen once the relationship is becoming physical. I have been dating through OLD for over a year and have had many first coffee dates, my record is 4 on 4 consecutive days, but for the ones with potential I ask for exclusivity. For me this is usually date 3-5. I don't see the point in playing games and couldn't enjoy the start of the relationship if I thought I was one of many.

I have cooked for my current date and he for me (we're at around 3-4 weeks and exclusive from day 2 of knowing each other). We have cooked whatever we have had in the fridge, but made an effort to make tasty food.

I think you should decide your boundaries early on multidating and cook something that you are comfortable with.

Original poster
Confused009 · 24/08/2017 08:33

Well to be honest he did invite me round to his last weekend and though yes things could have happened (think making out in his room) but nothing actually did and I felt no pressure

Yes possibly tiny but of me thinks don't want to scare him away but to be honest all I'm hearing from him is how much he is looking forward to it

And yes meeting family and spa weekend I thought odd I mean does he do that with everyone! Also he did say on our fourth date that he did actually meet someone else from online the previous weekend (I was working) so I kind of know at that point that he was still multidating

OP posts:
Bobbiepin · 24/08/2017 09:08

To be fair to the guy at least he's being open and honest about it. If you want this to go further then you need to have the talk but he sounds decent so far.

Sancerresanwine · 24/08/2017 18:19

Eh?! This guy is sending ME mixed signals and I'm not even dating him! Meeting the parents and multi dating?!

Op Google love avoidant warning signs and don't get too physically involved