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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel so guilty!

27 replies

SuzukiLi · 23/08/2017 20:17

I'm a single parent to a 3 year old, father not involved so no help. I've worked really hard over the past year at college doing an access course and for great grades and have been accepted into university. The only problem is my DD is going to have to go nursery full time, 8am till 6pm 5 days a week. I know in the long term when I'm qualified and earning good money it will all be ok but I feel so guilty about her doing 10 hour days while still so little!
Has anyone else had to do the same thing?

OP posts:
luckylucky24 · 23/08/2017 20:21

My son was in nursery full time for about 18 months. DH and I were both working full time to pay the bills. Many families are in the same boat. I did feel very guilty but its life unfortunately. After my second I went back part time and I still feel guilty about the long days they do when I work.

ImperialBlether · 23/08/2017 20:25

What are your hours on your course? I couldn't work out whether you were on an Access or a degree course, but surely neither involve 9-5?

Original poster
SuzukiLi · 23/08/2017 20:28

Degree. 9-5 but with an hour drive each way.

OP posts:
TooFew · 23/08/2017 20:33

Congrats on getting a Uni place. You're working at creating a better life for your daughter...dont beat yourself up about this. Many families have to do the same. You're presenting a great example :) good luck

SenoritaViva · 23/08/2017 20:36

Don't feel guilty. You are long term planning for you both and when she's older she will have a strong, independent mother who will be a great role model.

TheFifthKey · 23/08/2017 20:39

I'm a lone parent and my 3yo does those hours as I work full time. No choice in the matter! She's happy and has lots of little friends, and will settle into school no bother when the time comes. Plus you'll have plenty of holiday.

Original poster
SuzukiLi · 23/08/2017 20:42

Thankyou for the reassurance!
I come from and area where mothers stay at home so am often met with negative reactions when I say I'm starting uni in September!

OP posts:
MissMogwai · 23/08/2017 20:47

Well done on your achievement!

My daughters were in before and after school clubs for years whilst I studied and worked. I also did an Access course then university.
I did feel guilty sometimes but, like you, I was (as is everyone else whether studying or working), doing it for all of our benefit.

Will you be in lectures/placement every day? I thought I'd be in more than I was, it turned out that I was only in 3 days per week and you do have lots of holidays which are great.

manglethedangle · 23/08/2017 20:49

I'm not a single mum, but I do work full time, as does DH. My 19mo is in nursery full time. It is't ideal, but me being at home full time wouldn't be either (my mental health and our mortgage would suffer irreparably).

katemeister · 23/08/2017 20:50

DD had been full time in nursery since she was 1. She's now 3.5 and has absolutely thrived there. 3 and up is a great age to be benefiting from the setting as they build up to school. Until recently DD was having a good long nap there so wasn't getting overtired. Well done on getting a place at Uni.

highinthesky · 23/08/2017 20:58

I took DD (aged 2, has been f/t at nursery for a year and 3 days a week prior to that) back to her nursery friends earlier; they greeted each other like long-lost relatives!

I had to tear her away but any residual guilt I felt over the last year at leaving her there early in the mornings has now evaporated. She loves it there and is well looked after. Which is just as well, because it costs a fortune.

SenoritaViva · 23/08/2017 21:01

Also I had a crazy job when DD was born. Not in this country so had to go back to work when she was 4 months. In her first year I did more than 25 overnight trips (some Mon-fri). Not sure how I did it but I did. DD is now ten and not at all 'damaged' (I now work school hours so things have changed dramatically!)

Original poster
SuzukiLi · 23/08/2017 21:02

missmogwai yes everyday :( just had my timetable through. Not all day everyday, but I want to use those hours to get my work done so when I'm home with my DD we can do fun stuff!

OP posts:
HelloSquirrels · 23/08/2017 21:03

My son goes to nursery 3 says a week but will be going 5 days from September. He is 16 months. I understand why you feel bad about it and I will do as well but you're doing the best thing for you and your dd.

I'm going back full time for a better job so I see it as I'm earning more to give us both a better life. I think also as cheesy as it sounds you enjoy the weekends more and make an effort to do things and spend quality time together.

TeachesOfPeaches · 23/08/2017 21:07

My son has been in full time childcare since 8m old. He is nearly two now and so sociable - he loves other children.

I'm also a single parent with one child.

Good luck OP

WORKWORKWORKWORKWORKWORK · 23/08/2017 21:08

I've just done a pgce in similar circumstances to you (DS was the same age at the start of my course) with a similarly long commute. Yes it's tough (I didn't find the course tough actually, just the logistics of childcare for my son) but he's already forgotten about it two months later!

You're doing something amazing to better yourself. That's showing your daughter (in the future) that determination, drive & sacrifices are desirable traits.
Work as much as you can at uni & spend as much time as you can with your daughter. Children are adaptable.
Good luck!

WORKWORKWORKWORKWORKWORK · 23/08/2017 21:08

P.s I forgot to mention I'm a single parent too with no support/dad involved, so it's doable!!

aaaaargghhhhelpme · 23/08/2017 21:14

Congratulations on the degree place!

My first went into nursery at 1 when I went back to work. We did insanely long days - 7ish to 6. She was fine. I was not!

You're doing this for your future. And she'll have fun playing and being with friends. It was certainly an effort to drag her away at times....!

cardibach · 23/08/2017 21:14

I worked full time from when DD was 7 months (too old to have had 12 month entitlement). I had to for financial survival, but I probably would have anyway. I didn't (and don't) feel guilty. She's a lovely, kind young woman of 21 now.

junebirthdaygirl · 23/08/2017 21:22

When you are settled in you may find you are able to pick her up earlier some days and do essays when she is in bed. And you will have holidays every so often. And weekends.You are doing your best and you and dd will benifit in the future. Do you have any family around to support you at all? Everything will be ok.

TroelsLovesSquinkies · 23/08/2017 21:51

You are doing a great thing Suz One day your child will thank you for the great role model you are being. might take 30 years but one day

MusicForTheJiltedGeneration · 23/08/2017 22:10

Congratulations on being accepted on the Uni course Flowers What are you studying? Well done for taking the opportunity to further the long term prospects for you and your daughter. As mentioned by a pp you are setting her a great example.

I'm sure your daughter will be fine, plus it will be good preparation for school. It sounds as though you'll be spending lots of quality time with her too in the evenings and weekends (plus holidays). Go for it Smile

AlpacaLipsNow · 23/08/2017 22:14

You are doing a brilliant thing going to Uni for a better life. Go for it! You might as well because you'll feel guilty anyway. That's Mother's guilt for you. If you were a SAHM you'd feel guilty. There's so much judgement of mothers in society there's always something to feel guilty about.

Original poster
SuzukiLi · 23/08/2017 22:18

Thankyou everyone :) I'm studying robotic engineering! Just finished an access course in physics and maths!

OP posts:
cheesydoesit · 23/08/2017 22:42

Congratulations! I'm starting my third year in September and 2 and a half year old DD has been at nursery full time for the last year. Uni are really supportive and my personal tutor always reminds me that my time there is an investment for both our futures. Definitely aim to get the bulk of your work done during the day so you can spend all your home time with your daughter.