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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think my iPad is private?

52 replies

Thesestreetsusedtolookpretty · 23/08/2017 15:12

I think I've probably been rude. Am I weirdly uptight about my IT? I have reason to be but maybe that is unusual.

Mum visiting. Asked where my iPad was so she could look something up.

I said id get it for her later, it's got passwords and there are things open on it I'd need to close down. I couldn't actually remember if password protection was enabled. But i didn't want her looking at other things open.

Went to my bedroom later and found my iPad plugged in charging. She had gone in to find it to bring it to me, it didn't have much charge so she plugged it in.

I was mortified as there are things open that I really didn't want her to see. In fact there were email message alerts on screen.

Was I unreasonable to be annoyed? i told her it was private and she shouldn't have gone to get it.

As background, yesterday she read a letter she found because she didn't think it was private. It wasnt ideal. But I didn't say anything.

We hadn't seen each other in over a year so it's not like we have an established easiness about my home and privacy.

OP posts:

Original poster

Thesestreetsusedtolookpretty · 23/08/2017 17:23

Crap sorry, i keep it "on" my bedside cabinet rather than in. Sorry. I just meant it's not somewhere id ever expect visitors to see it.

I did say in my op "so it's not like we have an established easiness about my home and privacy". So not like the easy familiar family set up some have.

I do welcome your view though thekillers etc as it makes me less annoyed and more understanding of a different perspective.

OP posts:

dollydaydream114 · 23/08/2017 17:26

thekillers You don't seem to understand that just because you don't keep private stuff on our iPads, plenty of people do. To use your example, my parents are welcome to help themselves to food and drink in my house - because I don't keep my private correspondence, personal pics, bank statements etc in the bloody fridge. I do keep them on my iPad.

You really need to understand that your way isn't everyone's way. My mum is lovely but I wouldn't want her seeing, for example, the notepad app on my iPad which includes notes from my sessions with a psychotherapist, or an email notification from Amazon to tell me my new vibrator is about to be delivered.

thekillers · 23/08/2017 17:36

thekillers You don't seem to understand that just because you don't keep private stuff on our iPads, plenty of people do. To use your example, my parents are welcome to help themselves to food and drink in my house - because I don't keep my private correspondence, personal pics, bank statements etc in the bloody fridge. I do keep them on my iPad.

and

Did you actually bother to read what i has posted before you posted?

I think that I said Not saying it is the only way- just explaining our family way.

BackforGood · 23/08/2017 17:51

YANBU but she certainly is.
It doesn't matter if it were on the table next to her - you don't pick up anyone's phone / iPad, or letter, unless they specifically say you can.
Same to reading letters.
Same to going in someone's bedroom.
Your DM has serious boundary issues.

SandyDenny · 23/08/2017 17:57

It doesn't matter what anyone else does with their ipads, you want to keep yours private and that's your perogative.

Your DM is being totally unreasonable

sonjadog · 23/08/2017 18:00

Put a code lock on it so she can't access it without your knowledge.

ChelleDawg2020 · 23/08/2017 18:01

It's a grey area. Some people think that sharing an iPad or computer is no different to sharing the same television. People like me hate it when friends and relatives start looking at our bookshelves, because they will judge us!

I am very wary about my own laptop and tablet and will go out of my way to prevent anyone else looking at it. I'm easier with my phone because I only use it for texts, taking photographs and looking at the news.

mounyaandyiolanda · 23/08/2017 18:01

Banking apps etc need a password to even log into them so I wouldn't be that bothered.

I also don't really do anything on the iPad that would make it very private.

Sorry, I just couldn't get worked up about it.

All you'd see on mine is kids opening kinder eggs on YouTube

Feelingprettycrapaboutthings · 23/08/2017 18:02

YANBU. What she did was rude/crossing a boundary.

SomeDoNot · 23/08/2017 18:03

It is just a household appliance. Like using the toaster or TV.

Mxyzptlk · 23/08/2017 18:27

Going into the bedroom is a big No-No, even without the iPad. So is reading your letter.

Addley · 23/08/2017 18:33

It's odd to say "meh I couldn't get worked up about it" or "in my family everyone has the run of everything" in relation to this - people use communal property differently to personal property. If we had a family tablet, I wouldn't use it for looking up my arse blisters or whatever; I'd use my phone instead. If I had a personal tablet, I'd likely be happy be using it for things I didn't want others to see. If I'm at someone else's house, family or not, unless I know their tablet is a family tablet and therefore not used by anyone for personal private things, I wouldn't touch it.

Addley · 23/08/2017 18:37

It's like knowing the difference between a family diary where everyone looks in it to see what everyone's doing, and a private diary that has all kinds of personal bits and bobs. If in your house you have a family diary that anyone's welcome to look in, you can't assume that when you see a diary in someone else's house that is for anyone to look through.

AdalindSchade · 23/08/2017 18:39

I have notifications turned off for pretty much everything so I don't get things showing up on my lock screen. I'm extremely private so I make sure I have privacy that I need.

RenterNomad · 23/08/2017 18:43

Bah, she's a snoop anyway, even by old-fashioned standards (witness the letter), so you're not wrong to be miffed.

The US Government believes that individuals reveal much about their private lives and thoughts through their mobile phone/ tablet usage (mobile.nytimes.com/2017/02/14/business/border-enforcement-airport-phones.html)...

missnevermind · 23/08/2017 19:01

As background, yesterday she read a letter she found because she didn't think it was private. It wasnt ideal. But I didn't say anything.

To me, this one sentence explains everything. She didnt think your belongings were private. And that is where it all starts.

Original poster

Thesestreetsusedtolookpretty · 23/08/2017 19:42

I think what I get is that it wouldn't matter at all to some people but it would to many others. As it's clearly far from a household appliance for many I feel I'm not odd to want my privacy.
We seem completely unable to manage harmonious family visits.

OP posts:

RenterNomad · 23/08/2017 20:10

Ah, bugger.

Carmichaela · 23/08/2017 20:11

Our iPads are totally private. I wouldn't dream of using another member of my family's iPad and they wouldn't touch mine. Total invasion of privacy

SaveMeBarry · 23/08/2017 20:22

iPad is private imo, much like my mobile phone. It's not that I wouldn't allow someone use it if they briefly wanted to look something up (likewise I'd allow someone make a call on my mobile) but it's different to a laptop or home computer where somebody can log in as a guest user so ok for them to have a quick google but not to take it off to a different room.

I don't want anyone browsing through my emails or seeing at a glance which sites I most often visit (or seeing my MN user name!) even if they weren't deliberately snooping. My DB would ask to use it just to browse because he has no manners and sees nothing wrong with visiting someone just to sit and ignore everyone while he surfs he knows my answer is no! He's 43 by the way so you might imagine he'd have some concept of privacy.

Original poster

Thesestreetsusedtolookpretty · 23/08/2017 21:47

On reflection I am thinking she doesn't respect boundaries. Esp reading a private letter.
I think she's offended at being questioned over anything as she's my mother.

at your 43yo brother behaving like a teenager SaveMeBarry.

OP posts:

BackforGood · 23/08/2017 23:50

That's a good comparison Addley.

Thing being, when you are in someone else's house, everything is their's, and therefore private to them, until you are invited to use it / share it / read it. Going in to someone's bedroom is completely unacceptable.

Mind, I would have had very blunt words when I caught her reading my letter. This isn't a MiL feeling (I normally defend MiLs on threads on here), but the same would apply to any rude bugger who thought it was OK to read my private correspondence.

DoJo · 24/08/2017 01:06

To be honest, while I would hate someone to use my tablet for the reasons given above, I think the letter is more of a breach of privacy. There are legitimate reasons to use someone else's ipad and the subsequent breach of privacy could be incidental or accidental or even inconsequential.

However, picking up a letter than you know isn't addressed to you is both incredibly rude and a complete invasion of privacy.

Original poster

Thesestreetsusedtolookpretty · 24/08/2017 06:12

Yes my reaction is due to how private the things open on the tablet were compared to the letter. Which I suppose my mum couldn't have known.

Given she read the letter I'm now thinking I'm naive to believe she didn't read what was on screen which is a very difficult thought.

I'm feeling worse about it today. And not sure whether I'm being paranoid because I won't know if she has or not.

OP posts:

RenterNomad · 24/08/2017 06:59

It's not paranoia! It's common sense and betrayed trust! She is a demonstrated snoop, and even if "you have nothing to hide" (which is unlikely:at the very least, you are now complaining about her on t'internet! ), it sounds as though she needs to be hit in the nose with your boundaries, if she is to learn. That will be entirely her fault, of course, since her nose ought not to be in the same place as your boundary...

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