to expect less reliance on me from exp?

[colditz]

he comes to see the boys every day

He feeds them here, out of my fridge, I have to remind him to change the baby's nappy, and he usually doesn't take them out because he has nowhere to take them and no money to pay for them anyway.

he owes me money from when he borrowed off me to put a DEPOSIT DOWN - he was supposed to bring me the money on Friday but hasn't brought it yet, and says he will bring it tomorrow.

I often don't know what time he is going to leave, so don't know if I have time to do anything on my own.

He leaves a mess in the kitchen and when he does change nappies, he leaves them in the living room - not always, but sometimes.

He still hasn't given me a clue as to his shift pattern for next week, so I can't plan anything, and it's ds1's birthday next week, and he hasn't got him a present yet.

I want him to parent, and not babysit! he treatsit like a favour to me, but when I tell him not to bother, all hell breaks loose and I get "i am NOT missing a day with MY KIDS"

He still hasn't contacted sky to have it terminated - I have written to them but have heard nothing

Where does he live?

he doesn'ty live here - he4 lives in a room in a shared flat. they are really skuzzy.

he moved out 5 weeks ago

yes, then?

I had this with my xh ,he used to come everyday but it drove me up the wall and I eventually made him change to twice aweek after work and one day at the w/e.
He sees them at my house during the week and wt his parents at the w/e.
Do not get into this situation! I split from my xh 5 1/2 years ago and he still winds me up twice a week!

I don't think you are being unreasonable but it maybe that he hasn't accepted that it is really over yet. Do you have any legal contract about visiting/ custody etc. i know it can seem like a hassle but it makes it easier in the long run.

I had to stop my ex H from doing it to he was always at my house and treated it like his own

You need to get your own life back . Does he feed himself at your house too
I dont think you are being at all unreasonable

I had to have words about him using the computer to download stuff, I had to shout "YOU DON'T LIVE HERE ANY MORE, YOU WOULDN'T DO IT ANYWHERE ELSE, DO NOT DO IT HERE."

I want him to see the boys every day though - I think it's good for them, and he does engage with them very well, but it is getting on my nerves, this refusal to accept that it's not my job to enable him all the time.

Put a password on your computer asap

colditz it does sound annoying...but as you say the benefits to the kids of him seeing them so much will be HUGE, specially as it's still very early days in the split situation...it's so hard though isn't it...he can't take them to his scuzzy flat I suppose, and it would be miserable for them if they felt they had to be 'out' for a certain length of time and end up pounding the pavements or hanging round the park just to pass the time....

However it's totally reasonable for you to know when he is leaving, how long he will be at your house. If he won't tell you, then tell him you are going to do some jobs in town and will be back at a certain time. Make it clear when you're back you are taking the boys somewhere.

Can you suggest he takes them to his family say once a week, or takes them swimming or bowling or something? Maybe this would encourage a routine?

i think it will be better when the weather improves.

Just had a row over the phone

he said "I always pay you as soon as I can"

aRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRH NOW YOU DON'T YOU DELUSIONAL PRAT, YOU PAY ME AS SOON AS YOU CAN BE BOTHERED TO GET ROUND TO IT.

"You only want me for my money, huffpuffhuffpuff"

At the moment, love, yes.

Oh, and it's NOT your money, it's mine, that's why I need it back.

This does sound very frustrating for you. However how really do you feel about him being at your place? What I mean is do you want him to take the kids to his place? If not and you feel more comfortable with him seeing the children at yours why don't you lay down some ground rules i.e. how long he can stay etc so you know where you are? Also, and I suspect that you may say 'but why should I', why don't you take the opportunity to go out when he is there- have a bit of time for yourself? If you lay down the rules about cleaning up, putting nappies away, expecting him to leave by 6pm or after he has put them to bed that it may be easier in the long run to say 'well I've asked you to respect my space etc but it hasn't happened so we need to review and work out a different arrangement. I am trying to be careful how I put this as I don't want to sound patronizing as you have probably tried all these things but am trying to help if I can!

I don't really mind him being here, but I really object to the mess he leaves. His argument is that the kids would make a mess whether he is there or not, but I feel I don't want to go out because I will walk into chaos, he will leave straight awayt, and I will be left trying to clear up with a 1 year old and a 4 year old round my ankles.

I suppose I resent him full stop, I resent that his behavior has put me in this position in the first place. I had plans, and my plans never included 'At the age of 27, you will now be a single mother of two on a rough council estate, on single parent benefits'

I would be pissed off too Colditz it's yours and your children home not his and he needs to bloody respect that. Kids make a mess thats just what they do, but IMO this man is now a guest in your home and needs to start understanding that.