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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To Not want to chat to married friend online?

14 replies

lizzieoak · 23/08/2017 06:02

Not sure what to do here. A friend from school days who I haven't seen in 30 years has been chatting to me on fb. Okay, he's moved to another country (so is not going to be a worry to his wife chatting visibly to an old friend thousands of kilometres away). I'm bored to death most of the time and quite chatty and he's interesting so I'm happy to comment back.

But now he's sent a few private messages. I don't think it's the same chatting via IM. Honestly, if he was single I might be interested. I like his looks, he's smart, seems nice enough. However (big however) I'm aware this could lead to an ea, something I don't want for me or his wife.

I don't want to be rude, or seem presumptuous, but how do I politely route him back to public comments? He comments on other people's pages quite a bit, btw, so I may just be being paranoid.

OP posts:

JudasInTheTescoVan · 23/08/2017 06:12

It sort of depends what the messages are. If they're chatty and friendly rather than flirty surely that's fine as you are friends. If you feel uncomfortable BTW you don't have to continue chatting to him.

HopelesslydevotedtoGu · 23/08/2017 06:14

If you only want to chat publicly then only post your comments publicly. If he private messages you then just reply on his wall (I'm assuming this is fb?)

However I'm not seeing the problem. I am happily married and I'd see nothing wrong with chatty messaging. If anything strayed towards EA then obviously that needs to be nipped in the bud early, but is there any reason to think that will happen?

I also really don't like long public conversions on social media, even if I'm just chatting about day to day things I don't want everyone to be able read it, I want some privacy. So in his shoes I might not want to carry on a long conversation if you insist on always posting publicly.

VeryCunningStunt · 23/08/2017 06:16

Honestly, if he was single I might be interested

Are the private messages he's sent inappropriate or hint at him wanting to steer things in that direction? Or, based on the above quote, are you starting to feel an attraction?

If not, I'm not sure what the issue is. I have several married male friends who live miles away. I would not automatically assume that private messaging would lead to something inappropriate, or that all of our exchanges needed to be visible to their wives.

Peachyking000 · 23/08/2017 06:32

Has he just contacted you out of the blue with these messages? If so, I would be wondering why

TidyDancer · 23/08/2017 06:33

Yeah it really depends on the nature of the messages. I prefer to chat to friends privately, it doesn't mean I want to shag them at all.

Nuttynoo · 23/08/2017 07:29

What are the messages like? Could you be reading too much into them?

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 23/08/2017 07:33

I think chatting should be done privately rather than on a Facebook wall. If you don't trust yourself that's a different issue.

StillDrivingMeBonkers · 23/08/2017 07:43

I don't conduct any of my conversations publically on FB.

5rivers7hills · 23/08/2017 07:51

How do you 'chat' if not via IM? Please tell me you don't have conversations back and forth writing on each other's wall. Cringe.

FittonTower · 23/08/2017 07:51

If I'm just generally chatting with friends i tend to do it on private message/email rather than in public comments on social media. Not everyone wants to read my boring chat and I don't need the whole world joining in a conversation.
If he's being inappropriate then tell him to piss off tho obv

MaidOfStars · 23/08/2017 08:00

Chatting privately is far better an option than posting on walls. I can't see the problem.

But you're not the only person who thinks differently. Last GE, I had a friend spam my wall with various comments about the results. I suggested, via PM, that we conduct GE analysis there. He refused and continued to post on my wall He obviously felt there was something qualitatively different about public posting v PMs.

(Yes, I changed my post settings after all this)

Original poster

lizzieoak · 23/08/2017 12:36

Maybe I'm worrying too much? He comes across as a bit bored is part of it.

The chatting prior to this is as with any of my friends - I post a photo or link and people comment and his comments are often used nvolving asking a question about the content or telling a story that requires a response. Which is fine by me (& out in the open so feels more above board) & how my friend all use fb. It's not just posting to a wall "hi, how you are? I'm bored at work, talk to me".for example, I posted a photo last week that reminded a friend of a book she'd read so she and I discussed that below the photo for a while.

I guess I just feel that if it were me I wouldn't necessarily feel great about my dh (if I had one) chatting privately to a single woman about who knows what.

OP posts:

PollyFlint · 23/08/2017 12:40

Unless the messages are flirty or inappropriate I don't think you need to be concerned - general comments on walls are one thing but I personally don't use them for personal one to one chats. PMs are no different from sending emails really.

Original poster

lizzieoak · 23/08/2017 12:42

Oh, and so far his messages aren't flirty. I just felt a bit funny as it wasn't out in the open (& I don't know his wife). Maybe it's fine then, it just concerned me as I haven't had this happen before. Also since it's been decades since I've seen him I don't know his morals, behaviour patterns etc.

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