Giving my children the choice to see their dad?

[leanne9872]

I have 2 ds' s (6&7) and a 3rd (5). My daughter has no problems seeing her dad. He sees them every 2 weeks on a saturday
My youngest son is undiagnosed adhd and tourettes. He refused point blank so see his dad and I have a lot of issues with him. He tried walking in front of cars because he thought i was making him go to his dads. My eldest gets really upset when i say he's got to go to his dads. It hurts me to see them so upset so ive been giving them a choice. Their dad says I shouldn't give them a choice and I should tell them they have to go. I want to do what's right for the children.

Sorry 3rd should be DD (autocorrect )

It's a difficult one, is there a reason they don't like to see their dad, is there anyway to make seeing their dad more attractive? I agree with giving them the choice to an extent but to allow them to cut him off seems unreasonable. If you were in his shoes how would you feel about losing contact with you children.

What would you say/do if their dad had main custody and you were in his situation?

They are far, far too young to understand the implications of refusing a relationship with a parent. They should not be burdened with the responsibility of that choice.

I have tried with their dad to help his relationship with them. I went to court to get a contact order to make him see them every week and now he's changed it to every 2 weeks. They say it's boring going there and their dad doesnt do anything. They sit in his flat the whole day. My eldest tells me his dad promises him things but then tells him the next time that he has no money to do as they planned. I would never stop him seeing them, I'm glad of a break, i would love them to spend more time with him. I've tried putting all our differences aside to help him but he refuses to do anything and says they should want to go just to see him. I really dont know what to do.

Do the kids have any toys or games at his house? Are they allowed to watch tv or do they just sit there. He shouldn't be forced to entertain them constantly and it's ok for kids to be bored (it's actually good for them). Personally I'd make it none negotiable, they go no arguments. I'd hope that once they realised that not going wasn't an option they would make the best of it and your ex would start to find things for them to do together. Unfortunately you need to be consistent otherwise they'll continue to complain til they wear you down.

He sounds like a selfish dick and i wouldn't be making them go. Poor kids. I also wouldn't give them the choice,it's not appropriate. He needs to step up.

I think they are too young to understand the long term ramifications of giving up on a relationship with their dad. And though he sounds lazy with them, I dont think it's bad enough to be concerned for their well-being.

That said I know how hard it must be to send them off when they are upset about going. Is there no mileage in talking to their dad again about what he can do to address their unwillingness to go? Can you help them think of ways they can entertain themselves at his, do they take toys/books etc?

I think it is harsh to call their Dad a selfish dick if he cannot afford to do things with them. I suspect he was used to you getting them to play when you were together.

I think suggest to the children that they chose some toys/games to take that can either be left at Dad's or that are brought back each time they visit.

Possibly they could go for shorter visits initially and build it up.

They are too young to chose not to go and that is why their feelings about this would not be taken into consideration until they were older were it to go to court.

Please try to help your ex work out a way to make these visits work.

My kids don't like brushing their teeth and doing homework, but I still make them do it because it's good for them in the long run.

I'd take the same line with contact with the NRP unless there are safeguarding issues. Shame he doesn't take parenting more seriously, but I'd be of the opinion that they form their own opinion of his parenting skills over the years.

One of the kids is walking in front of cars to get out of it. They're bored. Last time I checked parks/walks/libraries are free.

The OP sounds like she's doing all she can but she cant force their father to parent adequately.

Argh what a minefield for you OP.

Yes they're far too young to decide to quit that relationship.

But you've got your child with additional needs who is going to find the stress of the break of routine/unfamiliarity and coping with stress that much harder.

And i hate when NRPs can't be buggered to actually do anything with the children and enforce attendance while the children have a miserable time and hate it. That isn't building a relationship, that's destroying it. Any good parent would be doing everything they could to help and support their kids, and to make the most of this time. Ex needs to realise that the day is fast coming where it will no longer be about his right to have them but about what the kids choose to do as your eldest will vote with his feet and it will be up to him. If he doesn't make the effort to build a relationship and quality time with them now then he'll lose them the day they're old enough to opt out.

Money has nothing to do with it. Parks are free. Playgrounds are free. Charity shop games and dvds to share cost pence. Involving kids in helping you cook meals and shop is free. He does not require money to spend time with his children or have fun with them.

Yes, the children need to go - but he needs to get a grip and sort things out fast, that's not your responsibility to do for him.

YY to what Miss Havisham said.

They are far too young to have to make the choice. Having to actually choose and you asking them to choose could create a lot of anxiety and worries for them. It's natural for children to worry, and as parents both of you need to work on reassuring them rather than just saying OK you don't need to go to you dad's.

If you're worried about them being bored, you need to worry more about them not spending time and building a relationship with their own father. That is far, far the bigger issue.

My dd choses not to see her dad. He walked out her life at 4 months then back in slowly when she was six. In tbe mean time my dh moved in when she was just 3 and she sees him as a father figure. Both myself and dh have tried to get her to go. I shamefully offered her money to go. I dont know why it was a really stupid tbing to do. She wont even go to his wedding

I've suggested loads of things for him to do with the children. He won't go out of his way for anything and won't listen to anything i say. Like i said i want them to have a relationship with him. I have even suggested coming to my house on other days even for an hour or so just to try and help his relationship with them. He said he shouldn't have to so he won't. Sometimes when he does have them he takes them to his ex girlfriends house where they all tell me they dont like going. I have tried persuading the kids with things to go. It was my youngest son's birthday almost 2 weeks ago. He went to his dads, woth his sister as his dad promises him a party and presents. They had the party at his ex girlfriends house. He bought him presents. My son had to leave his presents there. He wants allowed to take them home, none of them have ever been able to take birthday or Christmas presents home. They have plenty of toys at his house the children tell me so they get very upset they have to leave their gifts there and I'm left picking up the pieces. I just want him to step up and be a proper father and help me to help him. Like i said i want the kids to know him and want to see him but he makes it so difficult like cutting his day down from once a week to once a fortnight. He saw them twice over the summer holidays and that wasn't because the kids wouldn't go. Also I'm not worried about them being bored thry have plenty to do there and can take what they want from home there's just no interaction from their dad.