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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think answering a mobile phone is not mandatory?

46 replies

ShowMePotatoSalad · 22/08/2017 16:08

And that phones can be turned off if the owner of the phone so wishes?

I have a couple of family members who get really annoyed with me if I don't always answer my phone, or respond to texts straight away.

Even if it's not an "important" message, they pretty much demand a response almost instantly. If I don't answer straight away, I get loads of "are you OK?" messages. DH's side do it as well. My aunty has started sending "have I done something to upset you?" messages if I delay by so much as a couple of hours.

People often call early evening when we are sitting down to eat. So obviously I don't want to get on the phone to them, but I know if I don't pick up I will then have to deal with them being moody to next time I speak to them, and questions as to why I didn't pick up.

DH's mum has told people DH doesn't speak to her very much or answer her calls. We've heard it from two separate family members that this is the case. DH will answer the majority of her calls but sometimes will have to miss them for whatever reason. Am I wrong in thinking that answering every single call is not a mandatory act, and that phones can even be switched off if the person feels like it? Or now that pretty much everyone has a mobile phone, is it wrong to ignore a call if you are in the middle of something, or just don't want to talk at that moment?

OP posts:
coddiwomple · 22/08/2017 16:57

YANBU

People like that would drive me insane. I vaguely check the number calling if my private phone vibrates at work, in case it's one of the schools but I am happy to leave phones ringing. Our home landline is usually unplugged because we always forget to put it back on at the weekend (no one is waking us up on a Saturday or a Sunday morning)

Do people really expect you to answer when you are driving/ in the loos/ having a shower/ at work or just busy? I think it's very rude to answer the phone when you are with someone else, or spending time with your family.

If you know the callers are massively over the top, you shouldn't worry about a miss call and message. Just get back to them when you are available. In case of emergency, my DH and older kids would also text or whatsap, to make sure I see the message even if I don't answer the phone.

ShowMePotatoSalad · 22/08/2017 17:08

I get that horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach when I see 5 missed calls from my mum, or my granny, or aunty. I assume someone has died, so I phone them back straight away even if I'm busy. I can't help but think if someone is that desperate to get hold of you it must be serious. Then it turns out to be nothing. I do think it is causing me to become anxious. I feel on edge a lot of the time. I can't sit and read a book for example - my phone will go off so many times. And if I put it on silent I then feel that horrible sick feeling when I see so many missed calls. How do I get out of that cycle and establish some boundaries?

OP posts:
WorkingBling · 22/08/2017 17:08

Aaah, let me introduce you to my mother....

The woman was crazy. She would call and I would not answer because I was in a meeting/ driving/ at the gym/ having lunch/ any number of other things. She'd leave a message.

She would call back 30 minutes later. If I was still in a meeting/ driving/ at the gym/ having lunch/ any number of other things, she would leave another message. This one would have a slightly hysterical edge to it*

This would be followed up by a few text messages. Mostly incomprehensible as she never really mastered text messages.

After a very short time, she would start calling other people. DSis. BIL. DH. Usually, she would manage to convince at least one of them to call me because, "Bling isn't answering her phone. I think there's something wrong. I've tried for ages."

Dsis/DH/BIL would ring me. You guessed it, I'd miss the call because of the above reasons. They would leave a message. Usually something like, "Please call Mum. She thinks you're dead. If you're not going to take her calls could you at least please send her a text message so she know you're alive."

I'd eventually (one hour after the original call) get to the phone to see multiple missed calls and increasingly angry or frustrated calls/texts from mum and everyone else. On one occasion, my dad only just managed to convince her not to call the police when I'd turned my phone off for a physio appointment and forgotten to turn it back on until the following morning...

It eventually stopped (kind of) after Mum's dog died. She called me. I was in a meeting and my phone was on my desk. When I got back, there were at least three messages. One was from my sister who basically accused me of being a selfish cow for not responding to Mum's message when her dog had died. I went ballistic. On all of them. Pointed out that I had been out of touch for less than 60 minutes, during a work day and that, believe it or not, I regularly had meetings. I pointed out that my desk phone was ALWAYS answered by someone on my team so if it was really THAT urgent, they could ring the office and someone could get me out of the freaking meeting.

I was furious with all of them, not least my sister who had actually fallen for my mother's woe-is-me story. She's been her daughter for longer than I have so her buying into the BS made me beyond livid.

After that, it calmed down. Although there was the memorable time where it turned out I hadn't been responding much (turns out I was pregnant but didn't know it but had been extremely busy and stressed at work, and feeling like death) and mum spent a month thinking I was mad at her for something!

  • My dad told me once he would hear her leaving those messages and he'd think, "Oh Shit. This isn't going to end well".
Ceto · 22/08/2017 17:16

OP, can't you work on educating yourself that, if you have a load of missed calls, it's massively more likely than anything else that it's just your batshit friends and relatives being batshit and it will do them good to wait a bit longer?

toastandbutterandjam · 22/08/2017 17:17

I had a friend like this, but, she used to sit up all night and sleep all day, whereas i'm the opposite. The problem was, she wanted to talk (always about herself) and expected a reply when i'm flipping sleeping. One morning, I woke to 102 messages from her - I didn't even bother reading them!

She lives next door to me (this is relevant)

I mentioned it to her, she apologised. A few weeks later, I couldn't find my phone, finally found it at 8pm - I had one message from her saying 'hey' - I replied 'Sorry, I couldn't find my phone! How are you? x' I got this back:

'You are so rude. I have spent the entire day really anxious thinking you were dead. I have been bordering on a panic attack and I was going to call 999 because I almost had a stroke due to your nastiness. You could have replied, whether you misplace your phone or not, it's no excuse.
Oh well, never mind, it's not like you care about me enough to reply, or even consider how stressed i've been all day. I could have had a heart attack, but do you care? no.
Anyway, How're you? are you free to meet on Monday?'

She does it with everyone. If you go out with her, she'll sit on her phone. We went out for dinner and she spent 40 minutes going 'shh' to me because she was on her phone sending a friend the 'are you ok?' messages because he hadn't been online for a whopping 5 minutesHmm

I don't speak to her anymore, but afterwards, if people were demanding replies etc, I reply in my own time just saying 'I told you I was busy at X time and would return your call/text when I have a spare minute.' - Seems to have done the trick so far!

chirpyburbycheapsheep · 22/08/2017 17:20

How do I get out of that cycle and establish some boundaries?

I've honestly considered doing away with my mobile. I am just old enough to remember a time before them when people had patience and not everything was instant gratification. In the mean time I actually spell it out to people that if they call I probably won't pick up. Best to email or text and I'll get back to them when I can (which is sometimes days later unless pressing).

My mother is the only one who demands I reply straight away even though she is the worst for replying (worse than me).

I do wonder how much modern anxiety is created through all this constant 'connectedness' that's supposed to be so good for us.

fullofhope03 · 22/08/2017 17:21

Aaaah!!! This thread is making my blood pressure rise! On the one hand, I do think sometimes how on earth did we manage before mobiles were invented. On the other hand I feel they have taken over peoples lives to a ridiculous degree.
Don't get me started on people ignoring 'you' when you're out while they answer a text or call and you're sat there like a lemon waiting for them to finish. Beyond rude Angry And it irriates and amuses me equally when I see most people faffing about on their phones while out and about. And when couples are together, totally ignoring each other. I forgot my phone the other day and frankly felt happy and 'free' for a few hours. Bliss!

chirpyburbycheapsheep · 22/08/2017 17:23

toastandbutterandjam that is nuts. It makes me wonder what would happen if all devices such as laptops and mobiles were taken off these kinds of people for a week. Would be an interesting experiment/documentary.

DeadGood · 22/08/2017 17:25

This would drive me up the WALL.

missiondecision · 22/08/2017 17:29

It's only you that can change this.
Training all the needy pecks in your life would take far too long.
If you can/want to answer then do it and have some stock brush offs.
Oh sorry got to go I need a shit.
Oh sorry got to go my friend has arrived for a chat.
Make some up.

Nikephorus · 22/08/2017 17:34

Working - we have the same mother! I call her daily just to check in (it's a long story) and one day I'd gone out first thing to a client. It's regular thing each month, I'm sure I'd warned her a couple of days prior but even if not it didn't take much thinking to work it out. I'm back between 10 & 11am so not out long. DM tried ringing me before 9.30am & left a message, then because I'd not called back (not being there!) she'd tried again. Then she rang my mobile which I didn't answer because I was driving home. I got back before 10.30am to find my DF pulling up outside in his car to check if I was alive because my DM was panicking at not having heard - and he had the cheek to be cross with me!!!! Similar happened last week except she was ringing the mobile a mere 17 minutes after the first call & I'd ignored the landline calls because I was busy doing something upstairs and decided to finish it rather than chase downstairs - I picked up the mobile though (and fumed inwardly). FFS am I not allowed a life?!
I blame Alexander Graham Bell Angry

Aquamarine1029 · 22/08/2017 17:36

They can demand you answer calls or texts all they want, but I'm begging you to keep your boundaries. Letting them control you like this is fucking abusive. You must want to scream your head off at them.

RaspberryMousse · 22/08/2017 17:44

@ShowMePotatoSalad yes you can turn the 'last seen' function off on Whatsapp. Go into Settings > Account > Privacy > Last Seen and set it to Nobody.

ethelfleda · 22/08/2017 17:57

YANBU and this really bloody winds me up!! My mobile phone is there for MY convenience, not theirs. They'll get a response when they get one. And I won't answer the phone if I don't want to.

Whitelisbon · 22/08/2017 18:06

My ds does this. She'll send me a Facebook message, which I don't see because I'm, you know, doing something, so she'll send 3 more, then she'll post on my Facebook wall "is everything ok? Been trying to get you for ages and you're not answering", then she'll call dm and ask if she's heard from me, then she'll send me a couple of texts, then leave me a voicemail, then post of Facebook "really worried now, call me asap", then she'll call the house phone.
This normally takes approx an hour, and is normally started at about 6pm, ie bath and bedtime. No matter how many times I tell her wrangling 3 toddlers in and out of a bath and into bed means I ignore everything at that point, she still does it.

ShowMePotatoSalad · 22/08/2017 18:43

Whiteslion that sounds so stressful Sad

Thank you Raspberry I've just changed my settings and told DH how to do it in case he wants to as well.

I agree with others saying that phones are for the owner's convenience and not so people can pester them. I will bear this in mind and try not to react.

Aquamarine I do feel that this has highlighted the lack of respect our family seems to have for us. They want us to be at their beck and call, quite literally. And yes I want to scream at them but all hell would break loose if we told them how we feel, especially DH's family.

OP posts:
ShowMePotatoSalad · 22/08/2017 18:44

Whitelisbon sorry

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ForalltheSaints · 22/08/2017 19:11

No obligation except whilst at work. Making it know when you will not answer a phone to those who call you regularly will set ground rules.

sonjadog · 22/08/2017 19:31

This sounds really awful. It is a form of control hiding under a guise of being caring.

My mother had some tendencies on this direction when she got her first mobile phone, but fortunately I discovered quite quickly that when her phone notified her that the message had been delivered, she thought that meant that I had read it (and ignored her), when it actually just meant that it had reached my phone. After this was explained to her (about 10 times), she stopped the increasingly hysterical text messages.

One of my best friends has a good attitude to his mobile phone. He always has the sound turned off, so he only ever gets messages when he remembers to check. If anyone complains, the sound was turned off you he didn´t know about it... As he is consistent about this and refuses to change, family and friends have accepted it. It can be really frustrating when you want to get in touch with him and can´t, but really, it is very rarely that much of an emergency that it can´t wait until he gets round to checking his phone (usually a couple of times a day).

Kazzyhoward · 23/08/2017 09:31

No obligation except whilst at work

Not even at work. You may be in a meeting, on a course, driving, or just in the middle of something urgent/complex that you don't want to break away from.

GetOutOfMYGarden · 23/08/2017 09:35

I don't see why people can't just send a text saying what they wanted after a missed call. I might be somewhere where I can't chat, but I can discuss via text (eg. DGM wanting to chat about her uterine prolapse while I was on a packed train Blush!)

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