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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To want a car?

24 replies

bea179 · 22/08/2017 15:45

Less of AIBU more of a WWYD. DM has offered to pay for me to have driving lessons or a crash course. Then pay for a cheap car. I am absolutely delighted, the prospect of freedom is exciting. Me and DP live in a very expensive city - in a poxy 1 bed appartment with DPs 5yo a few times a week.
If I drove, we could look at moving out of this city, into a neighbouring town where rent prices are far lower, and we could have a 2 bed house with a garden for a small amount more than what we're currently paying. DP doesn't drive, doesn't want to, but commute via bus (he used to commute much further before we moved into this flat). He obviously enjoys having no commute. I think he'd rather I used the money on some (his) debts. I help with the debts a lot currently. But me having a car would mean more day trips, able to visit family (we live near no family members accessible by bus), I could apply for more jobs (would have choice of 2 cities), plus in my line of work many jobs require drivers. We could have a garden and DSD her own bedroom.
DP has said if it's what I want to do then fine but he clearly isn't thrilled about it and would rather I didn't. I think this is because he knows I'm going to expect us both to tighten our belts and I'll need him to contribute to household bills more than he currently is.
Am I being selfish? Should I do it anyway?

OP posts:

scurryfunge · 22/08/2017 15:48

Do it.

PinkSnowAndStars · 22/08/2017 15:49

Go for it. 100%. And enjoy the freedom!

PinkHeart5911 · 22/08/2017 15:49

I'd get the car personally.

I think having a car gives you more freedom to go off out for the day, when it takes your fancy you can just go.

You say driving would be good for your line of work

You could move further afield if you wish and live better in a bigger place

Anyway why should you use a gift from your mother to pay his debts?

Decaffstilltastesweird · 22/08/2017 15:51

Yanbu. The car makes more sense.

If you aren't married and he has loads of debts, sorry but I probably wouldn't help out with those any more than you already are, (or maybe not at all depending on relationship).

Hont1986 · 22/08/2017 15:53

Why would you need to tighten your belts if your mother is paying for it?

Birdsgottafly · 22/08/2017 15:55

In your situation having a car would be life enhancing for all of you, nothing selfish about it.

It isn't family money that it's coming out of, so just do it.

Being in a 1 bed isn't going to work forever.

Original poster

bea179 · 22/08/2017 15:57

I do help with the debts because some of them involve me - he had a lot before we got together but we got them right down but have had to use credit cards again for things we needed. All bills and debts are paid every month. Then we both get a bit silly and buy things admittedly we don't really need then struggle a bit the last week.
I'm fully aware we need to curb this, create a budget and plan our money carefully.
But I'm at least willing to do this because we earn enough that we could but I know he worries about the debts - but it's only a couple of thousand and we are paying them off. But I know I'll never have the money to do a crash course and buy a car. So feel like it would be wasted if I used this money to pay off a credit card

OP posts:

Original poster

bea179 · 22/08/2017 15:57

We'd need to tighten our belts for the running of the car. Petrol, insurance etc.

OP posts:

Hont1986 · 22/08/2017 16:07

I think you need to work more on your financial situation first. If you've spent all of your paycheck 3/4s through the month and need to rely on credit cards to carry the rest of the way, then I don't think you can really afford the petrol and insurance and MOTs etc at the moment.

Original poster

bea179 · 22/08/2017 16:10

That isn't every month, has just happened a few times. Unforeseen things such as train tickets/hotel for a relatives funeral. New bed needed for DSD. It's not a great amount, and we certainly don't use the credit card every month.

OP posts:

NC4now · 22/08/2017 16:11

Well at first I thought he was just being a misery guts, and on paper it looks like a really good move, but it does look like you need to sort your finances out.
Would the cheaper rent offset the cost of running a car? Because it sounds like there are loads of advantages if you can just nail the financial side of things.

Hont1986 · 22/08/2017 16:15

It isn't cheaper rent. She is talking about moving somewhere larger (and further away) for only a slightly more expensive rent.

Original poster

bea179 · 22/08/2017 16:16

Yes we absolutely need to sit down and create a budget and work our finances out. He just really loves this flat, he always says he'll miss it because it's our first home together. I just think it's too small, there's no outdoor space to dry washing, DSD has to share a room with us, I just hate it. I just think it would be so beneficial to all of us ☹️ we live relatively near loads of free attractions that I've never been to (didn't grow up here) because they aren't accessible by bus. Maybe I'm just getting too excited, mum only offered today.

OP posts:

KimmySchmidt1 · 22/08/2017 16:21

why do you pay off the debts of a man who is not your husband?

have you made a written agreement with him about what happens to all this free money you have given him if he leaves you?

how much of your money are you willing to give him to keep paying off his debts? £5k? £10k? £150k?

I suggest you let the grown man pay off his own debts if he doesn't want to marry you, and you buy whatever you want with your money.

And I think your DM would be appalled to think you were using her money to give to some bloke because he's a spendthrift and keeps racking up debt.

NC4now · 22/08/2017 16:23

I'd take the lessons anyway. It'll take a few months to learn and pass your test, and you can still have your car where you are.
You can look for another job too and if you can increase your £££s you may be in a stronger position to move. You don't have to do it all at once.

Original poster

bea179 · 22/08/2017 16:26

We've got a contract where we are now anyway, and we've just renewed so couldn't move for a year anyway. Sorry if I made it sound like I want to move and get a new job all at the same time.. I just meant I'd have the option to do these things that I currently can't

OP posts:

Snausage · 22/08/2017 16:29

Be excited! You will have so much freedom. If it means you'll also have the opportunity to move to a property that you'll be happier in and that your job prospects are better, that's fantastic 😊
It sounds as if your DP will have to grow up a little, to be honest. I know what I'd do if the choice was to remain in the status quo or give my kid some more space and increase the opportunity to see/do more. You are not being unreasonable.

AvoidingCallenetics · 22/08/2017 16:29

It would be wrong to take this money from your mum amd then not use it for the purpose she intended. She wants you to learn to drive. She wants to buy a car for her daughter, not pay off the debts of her daughter's boyfriend.

This isn't his money - he shouldn't be getting a say!

Mrscropley · 22/08/2017 16:32

Having a licence is a great investment!! Opens up opportunities for a better life. .

widowtocricket · 22/08/2017 16:35

Do it!

You will never regret learning to drive. It's a great skill to have, & as you say it will open up the possibilities for jobs, living etc.

Your mum had offered the money fair that reason so I'm thinking it would be wrong to use it for anything else. Go for it. I suspect your dp will see the benefit of it further down the line, especially when he wants a lift somewhere!

Beachbaby2017 · 22/08/2017 16:53

Regardless of everything else, seize this opportunity to learn how to drive. It's an important skill and will open doors for you.

Fishface77 · 22/08/2017 18:45

He sounds like a cocklodger.
He shouldn't get a say in how you spend that money.
Move and dump him too.

littlemisssweetness · 22/08/2017 19:50

I suggest you both see a budget advisor especially as you've said you also get silly with money

OliviaBenson · 22/08/2017 19:53

Your mum has offered to pay for driving lessons, not pay off your partners debt. There's a big difference.

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