DM and DF infantilising my nearly 7 y/o DS

[ProseccoandPizza]

Background: My parents played a very integral part of raising my DS as a baby and small child. DS is very close to my parents and I've always encouraged this and facilitated it.

I split with DS's father at 10 months due to Donestic Violence. My parents were always there when to babysit if I wanted a night out or to visit my friends in a different city. DS's father has been notoriously difficult over the years. Violent and aggressive towards me in front of DS in 2015. Court order for custody which he has repeatedly breached (when ever anything comes up he drops DS and priorities his GF and subsequent children.) So my DS has probably stayed at least once a month or more with my DParents since around one years old.

DS and I have never lived with my parents as we had our own place but stayed there over Christmas, birthdays etc.

For job related reasons from December to May/June last year DS stayed every other weekend at my parents.

Over the last year or so my parents seem to be refusing to acknowledge that DS is no longer a baby or toddler in some respects and in others treating him as a teenager.

He is allowed to eat all food in his or their bed at their house if he wants, calls my DF to bring drinks to him, doesn't use cutlery, my parents wash his hair in the bath, dry him afterwards and then dress him. To the point he doesn't even put his own pants on. Last weekend they joked that he was tired as my DM only took tablet off him at 23:30 when she absolutely needed to go to sleep herself.

A typical morning is my not so dear father goes out shopping returns with a Greggs sausage roll that DS eats in their bed whilst watching his tablet, then two slices of toast followed by tea and biscuits. They laugh how DS shouts how long will it take?

For further background my younger DB is turning 27, doesn't know how to do most things including grocery shopping, cooking, making a cup of tea, ironing or even putting a washing machine on. My DF takes his breakfast up on a tray in the morning, my DM irons all his clothes and takes him to work. He then texts my DM when he is on bus home so she can put his dinner on.

I've just had a raised words phonecall with my DM based on all the above. She claims that as grandparents their allowed to spoil him. I say there's a difference between spoiling i.e. A big bag of sweets, McDonald's or a day out and what their doing which is effectively keeping DS a small dependent child who in effect doesn't want to return home to me because I make him put his rubbish in the bin, clothes off the bathroom floor, use cutlery, put his clean underwear away and generally be a more independent child with a bedtime.

The AIBU is an I being unreasonable to stop DS from staying overnight there now as they are completely unwilling to see that they are turning him into a brat just like DB?

Thing is though, if you've literally years of free childcare to enable you to progress your career, it's very difficult to start threatening them with not having him round. I'm guessing you don't need the childcare any more, or you are prepared to burn your bridges and find another carer who will have him for entire weekends whenever you need it. I would imagine that would be hugely expensive.

Same with my parents and my brother. 4 girls who were left to do everything by themselves and are now stable independent adults. Then they had a boy and they still do everything for him and he's 32, he can't make a cup of tea either. And he is now mentally unstable and can't cope with life.

My parents aren't too bad when looking after my kids 3 and 1 but I hear you about the feeding sweets and biscuits and crap. Falls on deaf ears.

Your parents sound a bit like mine. I have two siblings, both us girls had to do chores, learnt basic life skills and worked from as young as possible. Both moved out young and lived our own lives. Our brother was treated very different, did not do any chores, was allowed to get away with behaviours that we would have gotten a smack for, got whatever he wanted, was not allowed to get a part time job or paper round because it would interfer with his sports. Still lives at home in his late 20s, cannot cook or do anything for himself, is woken up by parents to go to work and has his breakfast brought to him, a packed lunch made and an evening meal. He is a useless manchild that I doubt will ever leave. My sister ended up a single mum and has been very dependant on them with her son. They have done a lot of good for him but they are also now causing problems. Her son has been treated the same as yours, no bed times, allowed to do whatever he wants, back chats, only eats junk. Wont even cut his own food up. They won't listen to my sister at all and she is very upset that he is becoming spoilt and bratish. They tend to only do it to male offspring though. If they won't listen to you and undermine your parenting then I think it is better if you reduce the amount of time he stays there, how you can go about it without hurting anyone's feelings I don't know.

Teenage years are a few years away OP but if there's even a tiny risk that your DS could say that he prefers it with them, simply because you're asking for some help with chores, then I'd sacrifice the free child care.

Stay on this path, and no good will come of it. You already know that, or else you wouldn't be posting.

This has nothing to do with DGP's
indulging. This is almost setting you up to fail.

No years of progression career wise. I was a SAHM until DS started school. I helped to run a business last year with unsuitable opening hours to fit around DS on weekends. I started a degree last September so only for 8 months or less was I ever reliant on them for childcare plus a few days over each house move to get house sorted without added stress.
They actively ask to have DS. They literally would have him a week at a time if they were allowed.

I'm definitely taking this very seriously. I encourage DS wherever possible. He's had a taste of greater independence and I try to include learning with consequences and results. For example learning to tell the time and road safety has meant that we've built up to him walking to park on next steed from us and playing with friends for half an hour.

He asks to help out with Hoover and mop. He's learnt to change a pillowcase and trying to do the rest of a bed linen change.

I've massively improved his eating in the past six months and he now eats a significantly more varied diet than my DB.

I want DS to have the best life he possibly can and that means seeing the world and making his own choices rather than being dictated too. I've been explaining he's a big boy now and that babies can't put their own pants on or use cutlery etc. But that's he so grown up now he can do those and ask to help me. He's such a caring and loving child it's horrible to see the spoilt brat when he returns.

My parents also have a history of domestic violence. A few isolated incidents over the space of 15 years. Only one involved me on a horrible Boxing Day where because my mum didn't want sex my dad started smashing up house, I called police on new mobile which my 'df' threw out of the window and me down the stairs followed by an ironing board..... he was taken away and cautioned but my DM refused to press charges.

OMG that sounds awful! Are you sure you want your DS to be there unsupervised?

That incident was the only one that involved either myself or DB. That was over half my life time ago and I've never forgiven my father.

DS is literally the light of their life and I've definitely scaled back how much they see him over the last few months. But as far as I can see it's not been enough. I feel like they are actively trying to garner his favour and replace me in his affections.

DS is the personality and looks mix of DB and myself. He's the boy my father always wanted ultimately.

Yanbu. It's not the norm to treat a 7 year old like he's an emperor. They are doing him a massive disservice- he will have problems with future girlfriends and his peers if he ends up expecting this from life. You don't want your son to end up a man child who can't cope on his own.

YADNBU!! The way they're treating your DS now will really shape his personality, I agree that you should limit contact with DS and your parents, also be firm about how you're feeling. It's very disrespectful that they aren't listening or taking what you're saying on board.

My SIL treats her DS very similar to this, allowed to eat all meals in bed, everything brought to him as soon as he beckons her and clothes put on him; after years of doing this he speaks to her awfully and his behaviour is shockingly spoilt even in front of guests. He can't get on with other children his age (12) and will throw a strop any time something ever minor doesn't go his way.

There is nothing wrong with them treating your DS but what they're doing goes way beyond that.

Talk to your son too. Lay out the facts. He's being treated like a baby by his grandparents. And then he behaves like a baby! What can he do differently when he's with them because if he's not careful they will stop him maturing into a capable young man. No woman will want to marry a baby.

The domestic violence puts an anti rely different spin on this. I wouldn't let me child go to any home where there was a history of assault. That's the isssue - not grandparently spoiling.

They sound like very indulgent grandparents and your brother sounds like a big man baby. That said, if they and he are happy with that, then really I don't think you should interfere with their living arrangements re brother.

As someone else has pointed out, if this indulgence is only twice a month for your ds then I don't think you need to worry about most of it. Pick your battles. Personally I'd draw the line at 5 sachets of salt on the chips - you can get poisoned by a massive quantity of salt. I wouldn't much care about the babying - i.e. Bathing and dressing him, it's not a big deal as long as you are clear what happens at their house doesn't happen at yours.

OP You can say or threaten anything you like, but the truth is that you won't change your parents behaviour. The only aspect you can control is your parent's access to your DS.
If you don't want your parent's behaviour (in all the forms you don't like) to impact your DS, stop creating the opportunities. If you don't want him eating crap in bed for breakfast, stop him being there at breakfast time - when your DP ask to have him overnight the answer is "No". No threats. No 'talks' building up to threats. Your DP already know your parenting boundaries and ignore them so it leaves you with only one course of action.
Ultimately you are responsible for your DS and yourself, and how your DS turns out and that is all.

A bit of spoiling by gps is great, but the blatant sexism and the risk of witnessing dv would make me, if I were you, OP, severely limit contact.

I'm a grandmother and my dd needs my babysitting services, like you did with your parents, but that does not give me carte blanche to harm my dgc.