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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be hurt that my sister doesn't want to meet up with me?

18 replies

oldfatandstressed · 21/08/2017 22:05

She is visiting from overseas for a very short time. I never get to see her without her DH, or other family members present. I asked if I could have dinner with her tonight, she said yes. . When I double checked the arrangements with her, she asked for dinner to be moved much later (9:30pm). I suggested that we meet up for coffee at 9 rather as I can't eat that late and she agreed. Half an hour before we were meant to meet up, she texted to say she thought I was tired and so she wanted to cancel. I said I was fine, and really wanted to have time with her, but she said she was tired too and wanted to be fresh for tomorrow when she is having dinner with my brother (I'm not invited). I am so hurt by this, I haven't said anything to her, but feel like she thinks I am not important enough to speak to, or spend time with- yet other members of the family have had time with her. I'm going to see her with all the other family tomorrow afternoon. Should I say something or just let it go? Am I turning this into a bigger issue than it really is?

OP posts:

Aquamarine1029 · 21/08/2017 22:26

Only you can decide if bringing this up with her is worth it. It doesn't appear that you have a very close relationship, so I would wager that any type of criticism or confrontation will only divide you further. This is your call. If you want to express your hurt, then you should.

Nuttynoo · 22/08/2017 05:57

Sounds like she misinterpreted your coffee request. You should have just gone to the dinner regardless of the time and eaten something lighter. If you feel left out, tell her.

Mushroomburger17 · 22/08/2017 06:06

Is your brother not going to be at the family meet up? I rhink you're right to feel hurt but what is the history? Are you close? Is she a difficult person?

Neutrogena · 22/08/2017 06:09

YANBU, but I don't think you can do anything about her reluctance to see you

Happydoingitjusttheonce · 22/08/2017 06:22

It's a tough one. I think you'll have to accept she's choosing to not spend her time with you. It seems that if she was to meet you she'd be going through the motions. I suspect she suggested dinner so late because she knew you wouldn't go for that. Naturally you will want to understand why this is but I think that if you think about it as objectively as you can, you'll find the answer without asking

Only1scoop · 22/08/2017 06:28

A coffee at 9pm?

Don't think I'd have been up for that

Could you not have made an exception and ate later for once if you want so much to see her?

missmollyhadadolly · 22/08/2017 06:30

I would have to ask her about it. Just tell her what you've told us. Her response and attitude will tell you a lot. And then next time she visits, you will know whether to arrange to see her alone again or just see her at family occasions.

What time is she having dinner with your brother?

littlebird77 · 22/08/2017 06:34

It does look like she is avoiding you, but why?
Have you had problems before? Are you close?

The fact she hasn't made time to see you and hides behind other family members instead of wishing to see you one to one indicates a person whom is not comfortable. I have a similar relationship with a sibling, it is the only way it works as I find the relationship overbearing without the watering down element of others. I am not suggesting this is happening with you, merely using an example that there are many good and valid reasons for distance.

If there is no history here, then I suspect she is a private person who does not 'do' families. Hence the living overseas. Try not to take it personally and leave it as it is. Without knowing if she is a naturally a cold person or whether this is out of character. Only you will know that. You can't force these things it will push her further away.

littlebird77 · 22/08/2017 06:36

Also please consider ( I lived overseas for many years) cramming in so many people is a nightmare and the logistics are always exhausting. She may have demands from friends in trouble, ill members of the family and other things you are unaware of. There is never enough time to get to everyone that much I have learnt.

BarbarianMum · 22/08/2017 06:39

She was going tohave dinner with you - and you cancelled because "it was too late to eat". So she'd have had to go out earlier, get dinner and then meet you for coffee. Probably she thinks you can't be bothered.

NancyJoan · 22/08/2017 06:42

Maybe she feels put out that her sister, who she rarely sees, won't change her rigid rules around mealtimes just for one day to accommodate her.

Text her this morning and ask if you can join then for dinner this evening.

missmollyhadadolly · 22/08/2017 06:47

BarbarianMum remember that OP and her sister has arranged to meet earlier and that the sister moved it to 9.30 and then cancelled it altogether.

I think she knew OP wouldn't want to eat at 9.30pm amd was hoping OP would want to cancel altogether. When OP suggested coffee she told OP she'd rather cancel as OP must be tired (deflection) and then when that didn't work, she said she wants to be fresh to have dinner eith their brother tomorrow. Why not invite her sister to eat with them?

I don't think it's the OP that's not bothered. This is such childish and excluding behaviour from the sister.

Miserylovescompany2 · 22/08/2017 07:10

You will see her. So it's not as if she's excluded you. I don't understand why you couldn't of just gone for a meal and ate something light - coffee at 9pm? Maybe she thought you weren't all that bothered?

Maya12 · 22/08/2017 07:15

If I travel back home for a short while, lots of people want to see me and it only works if everyone makes themselves available when I can do. If I have dinners with people I keep my mornings free for sanity - as nice as it is to catch up it's usually a bit stressful too. Your sis should have said dinner would work better and not try to accommodate and then find she can't do it. Maybe she thought you weren't THAT keen given you didn't want to meet in the evening, so slightly easier to cancel on you than others?

I'd just say that you're sad that you won't see her this time and next time you'll try to fit around her schedule so you can definitely catch her.

Luxembourgmama · 22/08/2017 07:34

Were you close before she moved abroad? It does sound like she may be avoiding you I'd probably just let it lie and not make the effort next time.

Penhacked · 22/08/2017 07:43

If you want time together one on one, it really should be you visiting her. That is my opinion as a person who lives overseas. Everyone wants a piece of you when you are five mins down the road but no-one can be arsed to spend some money and come and visit. Bet you never go to see her.

Witsender · 22/08/2017 07:48

Yanbu op. She changed the time, then tried to blame cancelling on you, then said it was because of her plans for tomorrow. So why change to later if she was worried about being 'fresh'?

I'd invite myself along tonight

KarmaNoMore · 22/08/2017 07:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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