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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Should Grandparents do more

53 replies

littlemittens · 21/08/2017 18:52

Ok so I didn't really know where to put this, and I am really just trying to get opinions.
My son's dad has never really bothered much with him,in fact he saw his parental Grandparents more than his dad for a long long time-though this was just once a week for a few hours.
Now his dad is in his life more and he spends one Sat night with the Grandparents and one with his dad-with one being at home.(so sees Grandparents and Dad once each a month.
My mum is the type of Gran who buys thing for the children all the time-little things really but she is I guess the "typical" Grandparent.
Spoke to my OH and he said his Grandparents were the same.
The thing is the parental Grandparents never buy anything for Son outside of seeing him the once a month..they send a £10 for Birthdays and Xmas.
When we have ever gone away on Hol they never send any spending money for Son
Dad is the same-though we do have an agreement-he gives me £40 a week towards Son-though this took a long time to sort out and for many Years I got nothing.
To me this just seems strange,I guess I am just used to things being different with my own mum and what she does.
What is everyone else's situation with Grandparents like?
I think maybe I have just been spoiled by my own mum-she is brilliant!!

OP posts:
HarveySchlumpfenburger · 21/08/2017 19:26

You can't agree you're being unreasonable on the first page. You're second post is far too reasonable.

Petalflowers · 21/08/2017 19:31

I think the gp-in-laws also sound like typical GPs. My kids GPs never send holiday money, buy extra gifts etc. It doesn't mean they care for them any less.

GPS like children don't come with a rule book. Everyone is different.

appreciate the gps for what they do do, not what they don't.

flowery · 21/08/2017 19:31

"Exactly why is it wrong for a GP to give their GC ice cream money?"

I really don't think anyone said it was. It's very wrong for someone to think GP "should" (to quote thread title) give grandchildren money though. Especially when said grandparents already do lots of babysitting including overnight.

JennyBlueWren · 21/08/2017 19:32

DS's paternal GP give him some marshmllows for the train home ('cos we want a sugar filled DS!). Great-GM often gives us a tenner for him though. Maternal GM just pays for some treats when she's visiting/we're visiting. And they both give generous birthday and Christmas presents and GM knits him jumpers from time to time.

I never thought of this as anything unusual and it matches what I was given by my own grandparents although when we were older they took us round the toy shops with £10 each.

brayd · 21/08/2017 19:34

One set of my grandparents have over 30 grandchildren, so they never give money for holidays etc, other set used to but then again they could afford to. It's a nice thing to do but no way should it be expected.

Kailoer · 21/08/2017 19:36

I think OP is confusing the obligation (moral, legal) that a child's parent has with the 'nice to haves' that GPs can offer if they want/are able

OP - your child's GP (gmother or gather) should not have to (or be expected to) fill in and cover for poor parenting by their own father: it is not their obligation or failing I sense here

Nicpem1982 · 21/08/2017 19:38

Jenny - got to love gparents and their never empty treat cupboard

StillDrivingMeBonkers · 21/08/2017 19:46

But it is wrong (IMO) for the OP to expect it, and to be on here complaining that they don't

^^ that isn't what the Op said at all - she was musing out loud, like we are all prone to doing .... this is actually what she said:

My mum is the type of Gran who buys thing for the children all the time-little things really but she is I guess the "typical" Grandparent.....When we have ever gone away on Hol they never send any spending money for Son ....To me this just seems strange,I guess I am just used to things being different with my own mum and what she does.
What is everyone else's situation with Grandparents like?

I cant see where the Op has asked for money or complaining, shes's stating her circumstances; shes asking what everyone elses parents are like compared to her own mum.

ILoveMillhousesDad · 21/08/2017 19:47

Wow. So they have your child once a month, giving you the night free to do as you wish!!! On a regular basis!!!

Count you bloody blessings instead of grumbling about the lack of dosh your child (who will be totally oblivious) receives.

Witchend · 21/08/2017 19:48

My Dp give pocket money to the dc for the summer holiday, but that's because they live on the doorstep of their other grandchildren and 300 miles away from us. So they tend to get ice creams and take for days out with them, and send ours pocket money.
ILs have never given any money to ours.

I wouldn't say either set loves them more.

vixsyn · 21/08/2017 19:48

Eh, what is normal?

I thought this thread would be about more involvement than anything else, to which my response would be "in an ideal world, families would spend time together for the pleasure it brings to everyone" - but it's not an ideal world.

My maternal grandmother (no grandfather) wasn't very involved with us because she dropped in and out of our lives, as she did my mother's. My paternal grandparents were more like your mum, but these relationships are so different in different families that any expectation is unreasonable, really.

Gonegonegone · 21/08/2017 20:13

Big fat zero here from all sides (there are step GPS also) get sent lovely gifts from an aunt dh never knew he had though, she's lovely and it's all very sad as we send to live near her before we know she existed and now live half way round the world from her so she's never even met the kids :(

Sugarformyhoney · 21/08/2017 20:16

Hmm tricky one. My dm does the obligatory cards and money for birthdays and very little else. I appreciate her input but it's her lack of effort which is hurtful as opposed to the money.. even if she'd send a postcard or whatever other than the bare minimum it would help my kids feel they are important to her.
My dh parents don't bother st all.
I don't think grandparents 'should' play a certain role but at the same time it's hurtful to see my friends parents helping out with things like uniforms and seeing the kids really regularly knowing ours dgaf. I'm that respect I get where the op is coming from

Ropsleybunny · 21/08/2017 20:18

Grandparents did their bit being parents. Anything they do for your children is a bonus.

I think your mum is extremely generous and not generally representative.

Witheredtits · 21/08/2017 20:23

Yabu. Most families have one or both sets of gps that do diddly squat. Sorry

ALittleMop · 21/08/2017 20:28

I think some grandparents give a lot more, in many ways (time/money/of themselves) and others a lot less than your ex's parents

Ignore the posters are all huffy re them "babysitting" and you being "ungrateful" - it seems to me, rather, that they wanted to do that and it forms part of a kind of access arrangement - ie filling in for their less than engaged son/making sure they had a relationship.

Shenanagins · 21/08/2017 20:29

My mum never gives them money for treats but she has set up a bank account and puts money in every month. The other gps do hand cash over when they see the dc which they know goes straight into the bank account.

Both sets will give sweets but absolutely no presents outwith birthdays and Christmas. All are happy with this as I did rather that the dc have some level of savings than mindless tat which they have plenty of already!

Original poster
littlemittens · 21/08/2017 21:17

Thank you all.
I agree my mum is very generous and my children have a very close bond with her,she spends a lot of time with them.
My son is 12 and it is only in this last year that he started to go overnight to GPs and his Dad's.
I am perhaps pushing my feelings of how I view his Dad's involvement -or lack of-onto the GPs, Which I shouldn't do.
It would seem I and my Children are very lucky to have the Grandmum they do(my mum)and I am happy that the GPs do see Son and have him overnight-though this was their suggestion, I do not use them for a babysitter!

OP posts:
iamyourequal · 21/08/2017 21:27

OP. Yanbu. My grandparents often gave me little gifts outside of birthdays and Christmas. My DM and MIL do the same with mine and give them spending money when we go on holiday. It's very kind of them. I think I would happily trade it all in for DCs to have an occasional overnight stay with them though- but that is never offered!

BubblesBuddy · 21/08/2017 21:27

My children have not stayed over night with their sole GM. The granddads were dead before DC were born and other GM was not capable of having them and died when they were young.

Their existing GM is absolutely fantastic and they know they are lucky to have her. No GP ever gave us money, opened a savings account or bought tat. Their only GM has given her time, her knowledge and her enthusiasm for life, even at the age of 93. I wish my DC had been able to know their granddads. Be thankful yours can.

Picklemuncher · 21/08/2017 21:29

YABU because you didn't know how lucky you are that they have your son one night a month. My DCs grandparents think they are great to show up for birthdays and Christmas (and they are healthy and not too old).

It's not about money, really, it's about time spent. I miss my grandmother terribly. She didn't give loads of money, but she did look after when my parents were stuck.

lynmilne65 · 22/08/2017 07:25

Well I am more than happy to give gc a little pocket money for holiday out of my meagre Pension !!
I just don't eat ( joking) !!!!

sweetbitter · 22/08/2017 08:08

I have never heard of GPs giving spending money for holidays before. Mine were lovely to me, perfectly generous at birthdays and Xmas etc but never sent me holiday spending money...

Ilovetolurk · 22/08/2017 08:27

We do holiday spends etc etc but I wouldn't say it's normal or expected and not a reflection of the love the GP has for GC

StickThatInYourPipe · 22/08/2017 08:33

Lol at 'normal gp send holiday money!'

If my Nan sent me holiday spending money I would die of shock! Grin

OP some do, some don't but I wouldn't feel badly about them either way, everyone's situation is different